Where do I start from?

Where do I start from? What should I do?

These were the questions I asked myself that morning.

I sat on the couch in my living room, staring at the three pregnancy test kits that screamed 'you're pregnant'. Those red lines threatened to destroy the life I had known until then, the peace I had been enjoying, the friendship I cherished and the love of the one person I didn't want to lose.

I was really scared. I didn't even want to believe it but the evidence was there, right in my face to see.

Don. Just thinking about him made me nauseous. We were friends, close friends. Friends didn't do that to each other, especially not when it risked blowing up the life I had known all that while. Then there's Ray, my amazing boyfriend, cheerful, kind and reliable, the total opposite of Don's unfazed charm.

Tears welled up in my eyes, blurring the harsh reality on the coffee table. My gaze darted between the tests and my phone, Ray's number mocking me. (Should I call him? Should I confess this huge mistake that could shatter everything?) The answer churned in my stomach, a nasty mix of fear and guilt.

Taking a shaky breath, I grabbed the phone. It wasn't just my burden to carry. Don deserved to know. We both did. But as I scrolled to his contact, a new fear gripped me, what if it destroyed our friendship with Ray too? But then there were no what-ifs. It was inevitable, but the thought was still unbearable. Maybe there was another way, another solution... but for the life of me, I couldn't think straight through the fog of panic clouding my head. I squeezed my eyes shut willing an answer to appear, but only the steady tick of the clock answered back. The weight of the secret, of the unexpected life growing inside me, suffocated me. I had to do something, I thought, and fast.

My thumb was shaking over Don's number on my phone. One part of me wanted to call him. To have him tell me those positive pregnancy tests were all a big mistake. But another part of me, the bigger part knew it was real.

The doorbell rung and that made me jump as I quickly hid the tests under the couch. I looked through the monitor. It was Ray, my boyfriend. He was smiling and holding flowers.

My heart pounded seeing his kind face. I wondered how I could tell him. How could I break his heart like that?

I took a deep breath and opened the door, trying hard to smile. "Hey babe, you're here early!"

Ray kissed me on the lips. "Surprise! I knew you weren't feeling well, so I left work early to take care of you."

I felt so guilty and panicked inside. "R.. Ray, you didn't have to do that for me..."

He hugged me. "Don't be silly, of course I have to. You know I'll always put you first, baby."

Those words should have made me feel better. But instead, they made me feel even worse. I didn't deserve his love and care. Not after what I had done. I couldn't hold back my tears anymore.

Ray pulled back a little, looking concerned. "Hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. How could I possibly tell him the truth and ruin both our lives? The truth was so much bigger than a mistake. I could not even find a reason to defend my wrongdoing. I betrayed him in the worst way possible. I quickly looked down, ashamed.

"Ray...I...I'm so sorry..." I said softly.

It sounded weak even to my ears. It was a cowardly thing to say, but then it was all I could manage to get out. The rest would have to follow, no matter how painful. I knew I owed him the full truth, even if it cost me everything.

First, I lied. No.... we lied. But it was because I forced Don to. He wanted to come clean to Ray but I didn't let him. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. I wanted to hide it for as long as I could. I didn't want him to ever know. I didn't want to hurt him more than I knew I already had.

The shame and guilt were overwhelming as I replayed that night in my mind. Don and I getting carried away after too many drinks at a party. We practically shocked ourselves by ending up tangled together, clothes strewn about the hotel room when we woke up the next morning. At least that was all I remembered.

It was a momentary lapse in judgement. A huge mistake bigger than any I have ever made before. And as soon as I woke up the next morning, I was met with Don's face drained of colour while I couldn't help screaming "Oh God...what did we do? Ray is going to kill us both."

"We have to tell Ray" Was all he said.

I felt sick at the mention of Ray's name. Ray, my best friend in the world. The man who treated me like his entire universe. How could I have betrayed him like that, with Don of all people?

Don scrubbed a hand down his face. "I have to tell him, Jess. I can't look my best friend in the eye and lie about this."

But I panicked and frantically grabbed his arm. "No! Don, please you ......you can't say anything. Ray can never find out about this." I begged but he still seemed adamant about his decision which left me no choice but to beg harder, guilt trap him even. "I'm also your friend, Don. I've known you longer than you have known Ray. Are you going to watch my life shatter like that? All I'm asking for is time. Please give me some time to think of how to tell him. Please." I tried.

Tears burned in my eyes as I pleaded with him. I knew I was just compounding my deceit by trying to hide it from Ray. But the thought of that look of devastation and heartbreak on his face was unbearable.

For a long moment, Don seemed to wrestle with his conscience. Finally, he blew out a long breath and nodded reluctantly. "Okay...okay, I won't say anything. For now." He said as his eyes bore into mine. "But we can't just pretend this never happened, Jess. We have to figure out how to deal with this eventually."

I wanted to believe him, that we would find a way to make it right. But deep down, I knew the truth. There was no making it okay, no coming back from betraying Ray so completely. And as he looked at me with a pained look, I realized my world was crumbling around me. And I had no one to blame but myself.

I quickly shook my head to clear my thoughts. I couldn't stomach relieving that morning.

Ray's concerned eyes searched my face. "Jess, what's going on? Why are you apologizing?" That brings my mind back to reality. To the present, I just knew I didn't dare to go through with what I started. I couldn't muster the courage to look him in the eye and say the truth. I couldn't tell him. I knew it made me a coward but I just couldn't.

My mind raced as I tried to cover my tracks. I couldn't tell him the real reason, not yet.

"I'm sorry for worrying you," I blurted out.

"You're so sweet for coming over to take care of me. I just..." (Think fast). "I haven't been feeling well lately and I know I've been distant. That's all."

Relief washed over Ray's features and he pulled me into a warm embrace.

"Oh baby, you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm just glad I can be here for you." He kissed my forehead tenderly.

"Now how about you go put your feet up while I make you some soup, hmm? Pampering you is my mission today."

I managed a weak smile, my chest aching with guilt. My lies were so heavy on my chest.

As Ray busied himself in the kitchen, I collapsed back onto the couch, hand moving to my then flat stomach.

I had to tell Don. He deserved to know before anyone else that our reckless night had huge consequences.

Then without saying anything to Ray who was busy in the kitchen, I grabbed my keys and sent a quick text to Don: "I need to see you. It's important. Can you meet me at your place in 20 minutes?"

Don's reply was almost instant: "Yeah, of course. Everything okay?"

I drew a shaky breath as I typed back: "Not really. I'll explain when I get there."

The short drive over passed in a blur. Too soon, I was knocking on Don's door, my heart pounding a frantic rhythm in my chest. When he opened the door, I searched his eyes, wondering how I could drop this bombshell on him.

"Jess? You're scaring me, what's going on?" Don asked worriedly his eyes moving to my trembling hands. I quickly pulled them behind me.

I opened and closed my mouth, the words sticking and my throat going suddenly dry. Finally, I just squeezed my eyes shut and forced out the truth I could no longer avoid.

"Don...I'm pregnant. From that night."