935. Chapter 935

After Much Ado About Murder

Episode 8.20

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Forsooth, I owneth not Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

The Life and Legend of El Oso

By

Richard Castle.

Jorge Zamacona was born the son of poor but honest parents in Guadalajara, Mexico. At a very young age, he stood up for the little people: the poor, the uneducated, the short.

At school when a teacher tried to tell them that the world was round and not flat, Jorge challenged the teacher to a duel. However, the cowardly teacher refused to fight Jorge, making up some excuse about being seventy one years old and a woman. The school principal sadistically made poor Jorge clean the erasers in spite of being told that this was bad for Jorge's complexion.

However, for his bravery and daring in standing up to the hated establishment, Jorge was thereafter called, El Oso, the bear. For he was strong like a bear, brave like a bear, fearless like a bear, and just a tad hirsute.

Upon reaching the age of twelve, El Oso, saw that men from another town were overcharging his friends for marijuana. Not being able to stand this corruption and greed, El Oso stood up to these men and they…had an accident that caused their heads to fall off. As no one was using the men's fancy car, their jewelry, their money, their weapons and their women, Jorge decided to appropriate them for himself and one of his friends, named El Diablo. El Oso referred to this as recycling. See how ahead of his time El Oso was?

El Diablo, whose name was given in fun, he being a sweet and happy young lad, suggested to El Oso that perhaps they should travel to El Norte and learn of the many wonderful things that Mexico's neighbor to the north had to teach them.

El Oso discovered that El Norte had many fast cars, many large firearms and many beautiful women. But El Oso was sad. He had no money to purchase these fine things. However, he and El Diablo did meet some young men from what was called East LA who suggested a new financial paradigm to the young lad.

El Oso organized the merchants in East LA so that they no longer had to fear that young hoodlums would write graffiti on their buildings, shoplift candy bars, or burn the stores down with the owner and his family inside. The merchants were so happy with El Oso that they gave him money, happily and of their own free will so that El Oso would no longer have to be ashamed of having to drive around in a two year old Cadillac Escalade, and carry, strictly for personal protection, a North Korean made copy of an AK 47. He could now afford a brand new chauffeured limousine and a gold plated AK 47. El Oso was very happy.

El Oso was so happy with his newfound wealth that he splurged and bought a few pieces of jewelry to adorn himself with. To wit, a solid gold chain mail body shirt, encrusted with diamonds. He also got a girlfriend. And being a rather shy fellow, he decided to have seven girlfriends. One for every day of the week.

But El Oso had not forgotten about his friends in Mexico. No, indeed. He knew that they were unhappy and he knew of a wonderful herb that grew in the mountains of Northern California and on the Island of Maui in Hawaii that would make his friends happy. It would cost Jorge to get this wonderful weed, however, but cost was no object to our hero. However, he was not the sort to sell things at a loss, for that is not the way that capitalism works, and El Oso was much enamored with capitalism. In fact, giving things away for free is socialismo and El Oso had no use for that doctrine. In fact, he had many rather short discussions with the adherents of that doctrine, which ended with them no longer disagreeing with El Oso. One way or another.

Alas. The Government of Mexico, for reasons that are difficult to understand, did not approve of El Oso's generosity and his wishes to make his friends and indeed, all of North America happier. Such is the way of governments, one supposes.

The governments of both Mexico and the United States said many bad, and untrue things, about El Oso, which made him sad. El Oso just wanted people to like him. Is that so bad?

But then these governments went so far as to send men with guns to take El Oso to a place that was not at all fun. El Oso did not want to go to anyplace that was not fun. What was poor El Oso to do? He was a peaceful man, but somehow, and El Oso does not know how, violence began when the men who would take El Oso to the place that was not fun arrived at his modest home of seventeen thousand square feet, not including the garages, the guest houses, and the bunkers.

In spite of all of El Oso's efforts to resolve things peaceably, several hundred of the government's minions, El Oso's friends, bystanders, school children and several cute little kittens, were killed in some manner. El Oso was very sad about this and decided to take a vacation to El Norte to try to figure out how to resolve this difficulty that he unaccountably found himself in.

El Oso was lucky in finding a ruggedly handsome writer, who as luck would have it was married to a most lovely, intelligent, charming and dedicated woman. El Oso knew at once that any writer who could get such a woman to marry him was just the person to tell El Oso's story of how he had worked so hard to make everyone everywhere happy. The ruggedly handsome writer was, of course, more than happy to oblige El Oso. We are reliably informed that his wife was also overjoyed at this wonderful opportunity for her husband.

But, alas. El Oso ran into some unpleasant men with guns who took him to a place that was not the happiest place on Earth. But, amazingly, there was some sort of an unfortunate accident at this unhappy place and El Oso left.

Now El Oso is continuing his vacation while his ruggedly handsome writer friend with the perfect wife continues to write El Oso's life story. Isn't it wonderful when a plan comes together?

Kate looked over her husband's shoulder at what he had written. "Babe, don't you think the sarcasm is just too noticeable in this?"

Castle grinned. "What sarcasm? El Oso's lawyers delivered this to me today. It's exactly what he wants."

"Exactly?" Kate said, not certain that this was a good idea at all.

"I did add the part about the ruggedly handsome writer's wife. I'm sure El Oso won't mind."

"Shouldn't El Oso's lawyers be working on his trial, now what he's been recaptured?"

"Maybe, but just to be sure…typey, typey, typey."