541. Chapter 541

After Dreamworld

Episode 6.02

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, mine has no Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

Previously on Castle…Actually nothing like this has EVER happened on Castle.

As the Castle family and their retainers were pondering the startling news that "Doc" Davidson and his gang had stolen the Bruce-Partington plans, Victoria, the Castle's maid rushed in. Lord Castle had rescued her from a fate worse than death in far Samarkand and subsequently retained her as their maid. However, some of her native culture, whatever that might have been, remained with her. As she ran in, she bowed deeply to Cosmo, to whom she had begun to refer to as Your Supreme Magnificence, and curtseying to Lord Castle, said, "Ma'am, there are critters coming down the road."

"What sort of critters?" Demanded Lord Castle, however, Victoria, named after the Queen-Empress herself, remained mute, essaying only a vast shrug.

The household ran to the sitting room and looked out of the spacious glass windows. There, marching down the street in such perfect order as would excite the admiration of a Sergeant Major of the Brigade of Guards was a column of squirrels.

"Dash it, Mycroft!" Cried Lord Castle. "Is that the secret of the Bruce-Partington plans? Turning innocent squirrels into weapons of war? It is fiendish! It is dastardly! It is un-English!" Glancing at his wife, he quickly added, "It is un-American! It is French!"

"That may be, dearest. " Said Lady Katherine, "but it might be to our advantage to flee."

"Flea?" Cried Javier Esposito, a former tirailler d'elite of the famed Legion Etranger, the French Foreign Legion, but now Lord Castle's gentleman's gentleman, "Le cafard? The small bug in one's head that gets into a man's brain in the bled and drives him mad?"

"It's not really a bug that drives men mad out in the desert, or bled, that's merely…."

Lord Castle did enjoy showing off the vast knowledge he had acquired in his travels, but he was interrupted by Jenny Ryan. "Cor! Them squirrels is breakin' into Sir 'arry Flashman's 'ouse across the way. Look at 'em smash the windows an' muck about the 'ouse."

"They're carrying something out." Cried Lady Alexis. "Why, those are Lady Elspeth's jewels! Luckily she and Sir Harry are far away in Ladysmith, Natal. I'm pleased that no harm will come to them. But the squirrels are heading away with thousands of pounds worth of jewelry!"

"Look, Richard. A large column of the squirrels are breaking away. Why they're headed for our home."

Indeed, several score thousand squirrels had turned away from the main army and were headed straight for Lord Castle's home. One could hear the sound of thousands of tiny feet stamping on the cobblestones in perfect unison.

"Why, I believe they are singing." Cried Lady Alexis.

Indeed, the tiny soldiers were singing in very high pitched voices.

Боже, Царя храни!

Сильный, державный,

Царствуй на славу, на славу нам!

Царствуй на страх врагам,

Царь православный!

Боже, Царя храни!

"My God!" Cried Lady Katherine! "They're singing God Save the Czar! The Russian national anthem." It is well known that Lady Katherine spoke many languages. One of her more minor accomplishments.

All eyes turned to Mycroft McCord. "It's true. The Bruce-Partington plans were sent to us by Gregor Volkov of the Czarist secret police, the Okhrana. He must have intended for them to fall into the hands of Doc Davidson! The swine!"

As the squirrels sang and approached the door, Javier Esposito, stout supporter of the French Republic that he was, began singing God Save the Queen, albeit rather off key.

They observed thousands of squirrels using their tiny claws and teeth, they were chopping down a tree in Lord Castle's yard, preparing a battering ram.

"We must repair to the Zeppelin, dearest. "Lady Castle implored the love of her life.

"What? Run?" Quoth the heroic Lord.

"We must track down the perpetrators of this assault on decency." Cried Lady Alexis. "We can follow the squirrels who are taking their ill-gotten gains back to their master's lair."

Convinced by his lovely and brilliant daughter, Lord Castle led his family and friends to the roof of Stately Castle Manor and boarded the Zeppelin there, with Demming taking his accustomed place with the ballast.

As they sailed through the skies over London, they looked down and saw hordes of squirrels ransacking homes, businesses, museums and even churches. As they sailed lower, they could hear the squirrels singing.

"By Jove!" Cried Lord Castle. "Those are singing…"

"Squirrels of Harlech!" Said Lady Kate. "Those were doubtlessly recruited by "Vague" Eric, henchman to Doc Davidson and Welsh nationalist." Lady Kate listened as the breeze brought another song to her ears. "Yankee Doodle? That can only mean "Sore" Will is also with him. To think that a fellow countryman would sink so low."

As Lord Castle comforted his distraught wife, they saw where the squirrels were taking their loot.

"Why, tis the Savoy Theater." Cried Constable Ryan. "I took my Jenny there to see The Yeomen of the Guard not long ago. Did ye know it's entirely lit by electricity?"

Lord Castle's eyes narrowed. "Davidson always was a show off. Of course he'd make his headquarters at a theater." He landed the Zeppelin on the roof and left the dumb animals behind, although he made it clear to Cosmo that he was in charge and not Demming.

Once inside, they went straight for the stage, knowing that would be where Davidson would be. Sure enough, there on the brightly lit stage, dressed in an ermine cape and a crown was Davidson. Surrounded by his henchmen and henchwoman.

"So, we meet again, Castle. Are you prepared to meet your doom?" Davidson twirled his mustachios, having excelled at mustachio twirling at the Fagin School for Apprentice Evil Overlords. "Once I have defeated you, all of England will be mine as well as your wife."

"You're mad!" Cried Lord Castle.

"Mad am I? Perhaps you'd care to fight me one on one?" Davidson threw Lord Castle a rapier and drew his own weapon. "En garde!" He cried and attacked Lord Castle.

Castle easily parried his clumsy blow, but found that his blade broke when he struck Davidson's arm.

The evil Davidson laughed. "I'm wearing armor, you see. And your sword is made of glass. I'm fighting you like an evil overlord, don't you know?"

Lord Castle lifted his fists. "I despise violence, but I am a master of seventeen martial arts and I defeated John L. Sullivan, the American boxer, at arm wrestling."

As Lady Katherine watched, she was suddenly accosted by Virginia Gina. "You won't have my man. I'll destroy you first." With that Va. Gina raised her fists and advanced on Lady Katherine. Lady Katherine sighed and assumed the position she had learned at the monastery of the Shao Lin monks.

But, as Davidson advanced on Lord Castle, he drew a revolver from his cape. "I have several more with me. I told you that I fought like an evil overlord."

However, as soon as he spoke, Davidson found himself being lifted towards the ceiling of the theater. When he reached the top, Lady Alexis walked out from backstage and smiled up at him. "If you're going to fight like an evil overlord, you should read the list of things that evil overlords should never do. Number 213 is, "I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape." The theater has a crane for lifting actors off the ground to simulate flight. I attached one end to your cape."

Lord Castle noticed a quiet sobbing coming from off stage. Seeing his beloved wife was not around, he rushed to the source of the sobs. He found Lady Katherine comforting a heart broken Virginia Gina. "What happened?" He asked.

"I simply explained the error of her ways to her. She's vowed to become a decent person and even become a virgin again."

"A virgin?" Lord Castle frowned. "Isn't that…difficult?"

"One merely has to twist the space-time continuum, Father. That will return things, or people, to what they once were."

Lord Castle turned Davidson and his minions to the police and returned to his home, where he found that Mycroft McCord had used the controls of the Bruce-Partington device to have the squirrels clean up the mess that they had made.

The next morning at breakfast, Lord Castle had a capital idea. "I say! Why don't we all go on holiday! I hear Ruritania is delightful this time of year and King Rudolf's coronation is in a few weeks. What say?"

Everyone agreed, but that is another story.