372. Chapter 372

After 47 Seconds

Episode 4. 19

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Castle is da bomb, but I don't own it. Rating: K+ Time: See above and below.

Author's note: IMHO, these next episodes are the suckiest Castles this side of 6.23. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to make some very slight changes in the story. I'm sure if you read this and the following chapter closely, you'll find the very minor changes I've made.

Castle and Beckett looked out over the bullpen which was filled with the family and friends of those killed and injured at Boylan Plaza. "It makes you think about all those things in your own life that you don't want to put off anymore." Beckett said.

Looking around, Castle took her hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "At least that's not going to happen to us."

Kate smiled back at him. Things had indeed changed since the night of Martha's one woman show. She had taken Castle's hand, not to comfort him as she had before, but just to let him know that she cared for him. After a few seconds, she felt him squeeze her hand lightly. So she squeezed back. Then she leaned back and rested her head on his shoulder. I've wanted this for so long. Can I finally do something? Do I dare? Do I dare not do something more?

When Martha was done, they returned the furniture to its proper place and Martha quickly shooed Alexis upstairs and disappeared herself. Kate snuggled up against Castle and he put an arm around her, pulling her even closer. I have to do this before I completely lose my nerve. "Castle, I should go home. It's late. But I really don't want to leave you."

"You could stay the night." He had suggested. "We still have the spare bedroom made up."

"That's not what I meant. I think you should take me home and then stay the night."

Castle had been tired, but that brought him to full wakefulness. "You mean we should be…?" He left the rest unsaid in case he had somehow misunderstood what she had just said.

"We should be lovers, Castle. We should have been lovers years ago. I need you so much. I don't know what my life would be without you, but I'm afraid of finding out." Kate turned around to face him and kissed him, opening her mouth and inviting him in. Their tongues explored each other's mouths. Kate took his hand and placed it over a boob. "Take me back to my place, Rick. I don't want to wait another second longer than we have to."

"Then stay here with me tonight."

She pulled away from him. "Castle!" She said in a whisper. "Both Martha and Alexis are here. They'll find out."

"Kate, they both know how I feel about you. And sooner or later you'll be staying here with me and they'll find out anyway. Why not make it sooner?"

Kate wasn't too sure what to say. She could honestly say she'd never stayed with a man in the same house as his mother and teenaged daughter.

"Kate, you do realize that I want a lot more than just sex with you? I'm looking for always."

"Always." She said quietly. "That's what I want, too."

Castle made the decision for her, picking her up and carrying her into the bedroom.

"You have to promise to be quiet." Kate warned.

"Really? But I always do my Tarzan yell when I'm done."

"Then you'd better find Jane and not Kate." She warned.

Rick and Kate were the first ones up the next morning. Kate had hoped that they could have a quick breakfast and leave before Martha and Alexis woke up. No such luck.

"Hello, darlings." Martha said, coming down the stairs. "Did you both sleep well?"

Rick just smiled and Kate stared intently into her coffee cup while blushing prettily. Alexis just said "Hi" grabbed a glass of orange juice and left. Kate breathed a sigh of relief.

The bombing at Boylan Plaza was deeply disturbing to both of them. The random and senseless nature of the deaths was hard to handle. Worse, one lead after another led nowhere. The Middle Eastern man was cleared and their best suspect, Andrew Haynes, was cleared by the street drummer.

Their next break was Bobby Lopez. Castle had been busy and moved into the observation room to watch Kate take Bobby down. What he heard shocked him to the core. "She knew. All this time she knew."

Castle was sitting at her desk when came out of the interrogation room. "What the hell kind of a game are you playing with me, Beckett?" He snapped.

Kate was surprised and shocked. "What? What do you mean? I'm not playing any games."

"I was in the observation room when you interrogated Bobby Lopez. I heard you admit that you remembered everything. Every damned thing about the day you were shot. Now tell me you're not playing games."

"Castle…" She began.

"Beckett." Esposito broke in. "The Captain's gathering the troops."

"We'll talk later." She said, but Castle just glared at her.

For the rest of the day, Castle didn't say a word to her unless absolutely necessary. And every time she'd try to talk about them, he'd turn and walk away from her. At the end of the day, he walked to the elevator without saying a word to her. She grabbed her things and rushed after him, just making it to the elevator as the door closed.

"We need to talk."

"No. I don't think so. You need to get your story straight. If you can. I won't be in tomorrow. I don't know if I'll be back."

The anger and bitterness in his voice shocked Kate. "Castle, please let me explain."

"No. I don't want to hear any more lies from you."

"Nothing I've told you since we got together is a lie. Please just let me explain."

The door opened and Castle walked rapidly away from her. She had to do something and only one thing occurred to her. She caught up with him on the street. She pulled out her handcuffs and cuffed themselves together.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"We are going to talk."

"Beckett! You can't handcuff me. Take these things off this instant."

They were starting to draw a crowd, so Kate pulled out her detective's shield. "I'm a cop. Move along. Nothing to see here." She turned to Castle. "We're going to my place."

"Like hell."

"Okay. Then we'll talk right here if that suits you better."

He glared at her. Then followed her to her car.

Even when they were at her apartment, Castle was still glaring at her. Kate knew she couldn't let this go on. "Castle, I love you."

He snorted. "You sure have a funny way of showing it."

She choked back tears, but went on. "No one knows better than I that I've done everything I could to totally fuck up our relationship."

"Relationship? That's what you call this?"

"Castle! Look at me. What do you see?"

"You don't want to know."

He took a deep breath. "Then I'll tell you what I see. I see a badly broken, deeply hurt, barely functioning human being. I've been that way since my mom died. I started getting better when I met you. I've made a lot of mistakes in trying to get better, but I am getting better. I've been seeing a therapist since I was shot. At first I saw him because of my PTSD from the shooting, but I've been seeing him since then to try to help me get to a place where I can be with you. That's all I want, Castle. I want you. At the swings that day I told you that I couldn't be the kind of person I wanted to be or have the kind of relationships I wanted to have until my walls came down and that wouldn't happen until I found my mom's killer. That's what I thought then, but I realize I was wrong. I can't be the kind of person I want to be without you. The only relationship I want is with you." Kate took out her key and removed the cuffs. "I know you must hate me right now and you have every right to. I've kept you waiting for years. I'll wait for you as well. For the rest of my life if I have to. But I'm not giving up on us. I know I can get you to love me again."

Rick stood and looked down at Kate, and saw the tears begin to flow down her cheeks.

"I'm mad at you. I'm hurt that you lied to me. I'm upset that you didn't think enough of me to tell me the truth. I would have done anything you asked. Given you all the time and space you needed. But, Kate, you can't turn love on and off. I can't imagine anything you could do that would make you stop loving you."

Kate looked at Rick with a shaky smile. "You still love me?'

"Always."

"Thank you."

"Kate, could you just explain to me why you lied to me?"

Kate closed her eyes and marshalled her thoughts. "Roy Montgomery was my hero. He made me the detective I am today. I idolized that man. And then, all at once, I found out he was a criminal and that his actions had led to my mother's death. Worse, he knew from the day he met me who had killed my mom. He never said one damned word about it until it was too late. And then he sacrificed his life for me. Left his wife a widow and his children without a father. Every time I tried to think about anything that happened that day, everything just came rushing in on me and overwhelmed me. I wish I could have been stronger. I wish I could have been better. I wish I had told you and let you help. I still wish I was who you deserve."

Rick put his arms around her and hugged her tightly. "Whatever you think of yourself, you are exactly who I want. Always."