37. Chapter 37

After An Embarrassment of Bitches

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Woof, woof, woof. That's dog for, "Not mine." Rating: K Time: See above.

Kate Beckett walked into her apartment almost expecting to find Royal there. She missed having Royal around. Kate laughed to herself. Liar. You miss having Castle have another excuse to come and see you. You don't want Royal snuggling on the couch with you, smothering you with kisses, you want Castle.

Kate thought back to the first time Castle had brought Royal over. He had demonstrated how to rub Royal with Kate's hand. Dammit! I should have just grabbed him, and dragged him off to my bedroom. I loved the way he touched me. I needed more. But I couldn't do it. What's wrong with me? I'm more like Francisco Pilar. He had no life, no family, nothing but his work. His only friend was Royal. Is that how I want my life to end up? As some old lady living alone with her dogs? And Royal didn't even stay with me at the end.

Kay Cappuccio! Here's someone with no discernable talent who's able to turn Espo into a fanboy with one glance. Kate mentally pictured Kay. Okay, Kate thought, Kay has a very nice face. Better than mine? Hard to say. Depends on your tastes. Boobs? Okay, hers are better, and I'd bet they're not fakes. She has nice legs and a nice ass, but put me in a skin tight mini-dress and I'd say we're even. Kate smiled to herself. I know someone who didn't get all hot and bothered over Kay Cappuccio! Castle. A couple of years ago, Castle would have been elbowing Espo out of the way in his eagerness to get his hands on her. But now? He paid her no attention. Oh, all right. He paid attention, but only as a witness or suspect. Not one leer or smutty comment did I hear from Castle. One more piece of evidence that he's interested in me because I'm the "remarkable" Kate Beckett and not just to get me in bed.

I'm glad and flattered that Castle thinks I'm remarkable, but I'm not. I'm a good cop. I know that. A very good cop, if I want to be honest. But remarkable? Hardly. It is awfully nice that he thinks that way about me, though.

Come to think of it, he's pretty remarkable himself. How many cases have we solved because of something Castle figured out? How many killers are in jail because of Castle? How many cops, how many just plain people would be devastated that they didn't figure out that Jerry Tyson was 3XK? Now that's remarkable. And he isn't even a cop. No police academy. No years of police work on the streets as a uniform. No being trained by more experienced cops like Montgomery trained me. He just walked through the door and started solving crimes. Maybe that's why I was so mad at him at first. It seemed unfair that someone could just walk in off the street and tell me I had the wrong man. But he was right and I was wrong. Is that why we started off so badly?

Now that I know him better, I realize he has had a lot of training in police work. Name a subject of interest to a cop, and Castle knows a guy who's told him all about it. He been trained by safe crackers, jewel thieves, and who knows who else, training no cop could get. He's not just good at what he does, he's make me a better cop. Something I should tell him, but have never managed to do.

And solving crimes is a part time job with him. He's a world famous mystery writer. Kate smiled. And the creator of the famous Nikki Heat, with some help from me, of course.

Whenever I think about Nikki, I always remember that Nikki slept with Rook before they had finished their first case together. I could have slept with Castle after that first case. What would have happened if I had? I wouldn't have slept with him after the first date, or even the fifth. Mr. Castle did need to be taken down a peg. I would have made him work to get me in bed. And if I did make him work to get me in bed, I would have gotten to know him better. I would have found out about his relationship with Alexis and with Martha. I never would have imagined Castle being that good and concerned of a father when I first met him. And a good son. He's really nothing like I thought when I first met him. No, that's not quite right. Part of him is what he was like when we first met, but it's a small part of him and by no means the most important part.

Imagine. If we'd gone to bed, we'd still be partners. He'd have still wanted to write the Nikki Heat books. We'd be friends as well, just as we are now. But what else? Lovers, certainly. There'd have been no other men for me, or women for him. No Demming, no Josh, no Ellie Monroe, no Gina.

I didn't need Castle to tell me he was in love with me when I was shot. I already knew he was. And I already knew I loved him. Would I be Mrs. Castle by now? It's what I want and I'm sure it's what he wants. Every day I know more and more that that's what I want.

And yet here I sit, alone. Why can I sit here by myself and calmly think about Castle and come to the right conclusions, but when I'm around Castle, I push him away? I know exactly what I should do. We'd go to Remy's, or better yet, the Old Haunt. We'd find a secluded corner and sit together. I'd be leaning against him, totally relaxed. I'd take his hand in mine. I'd lean in to whisper in his ear…And Ryan would interrupt us. No, I'd sent Ryan off to scrub all the traffic cam footage on the Pennsylvania Turnpike for the past year. Then I'd whisper in Castle's ear. "I know you love me and I love you too. I want you more than anything. We should go to bed and then work on planning the rest of our lives together."

Why can't I do that? I have to try.

Richard Castle lay in his bed. It's funny. I just had Royal here for a couple of days, and only on night, but I miss him. I miss the comfort of sharing my bed. Who am I kidding? I don't miss Royal in my bed. I miss Beckett and she's never been in bed with me. There's a thought. Can you miss something you've never had? Oddly enough, the answer is yes. I do miss Becket in my bed. And not just in my bed. In my life.

What do I do now?