342. Chapter 342

After Countdown

Episode 3.17

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: 3, 2, 1…I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

"Stud." Kate said seriously, looking across the table at Castle.

He smiled back at her. "That I am. I most certainly am."

Kate sighed deeply. "I mean, we're playing stud. Five card stud. Dealer's choice, remember?"

"I'll be happy to play any kind of stud you choose. I can do them all."

She shook her head. "Do you have any idea how easy it is to read you?"

"Right now? No problem. But, just to be sure. What am I thinking right now?" He closed his eyes and concentrated.

"You're thinking about what we'll do in bed later tonight."

"Oh, you are good. So very, very good."

"You bet I am." She said in a low, sexy voice. "But that was no challenge. I could read your mind on that even if you were in another room."

He laughed. "Be serious. You could read my mind on that if I was on the other side of the world. But, admit it. I have an unreadable poker face."

"Actually, mine is better."

"Oh! Better? Never. What would give you that idea?"

"You told me so."

"When?" He frowned. Castle was proud of his poker face. Certainly he'd never told Kate that hers was better. Did he?

"You said any number of times that for the longest time you never had any idea here you stood with me. Whether I liked you or not. Whether I wanted more of a relationship with you. Whether we'd ever…."

When she stopped talking, Castle looked up and saw tears running down her face. "Kate?"

She quickly got up, came around the table, sat on his lap and buried her face in his chest. She continued to cry quietly.

"Kate? Honey, what is it? Please?"

"Rick, just hold me. Just hold me."

So Castle held his sobbing wife, telling her that he loved her and that he'd make everything okay. If I can ever figure out what's wrong.

Finally Kate looked up at him. He brushed the last of her tears away. "Sorry." She whispered. "I didn't mean to interrupt the poker game."

"I don't care about the poker game. I care about you. What happened?"

She rested her head on his chest again. "For years, too many years actually, I kept everything bottled up inside me. Part of it was being a cop. We're not supposed to show any feelings. Part was being a female cop. We had to be tougher than the male cops. But, most of it was my mom's murder. I built those walls around myself. I learned never to care. Never to let anyone know how I really felt about anything. I learned that if I did that, I'd never feel the loss that I felt when my mom died."

"You did what you had to do. And you know I have always blamed Bracken for that, never you."

He could feel Kate nodding against him. "Thank you."

She relaxed against him. Castle wondered if she was going to say anything more. When he was just about to say something, she spoke.

"Starting when we met, I started to change. I wanted more out of my life than what I had. I wasn't sure at first what I wanted, I just wanted something different. Something more. And the longer we were together, the more I changed. Things changed slowly at first, but then we became a couple, we got engaged, we took down Bracken and then we got married. I not only didn't want to hold everything inside me, I couldn't hold it inside me anymore. When you first met me, I never would have cried in front of you, no matter how badly I felt."

"There was when you shot Coonan." He said.

"Yeah. And I'd known you for a while."

"Good point." He conceded. "But why did you start crying now?"

"Do you remember when I found out you loved me?"

"Sure. You had just been shot. I'll never forget that. No matter how hard I try, and I do try."

She giggled. Something she had never done before she met Castle. "No, not when you told me you loved me, but when I found out you loved me."

Castle thought for a second. "You knew before I told you?"

Kate giggled again. "Duh! I'm a detective, Rick. Of course I knew. But it's kind of a trick question. I tried so hard not to love you that I'm not sure when it was that I really was in love with you. But I do know when I almost told you that I loved you."

"When?" Castle was very curious now.

"Do you remember when we were trapped in the freezer? I thought we were going to die. I didn't want to die without telling you how I felt. I was that close to telling you and I passed out."

"Yeah. And Josh came back for you."

Kate ran her hand down the fabric of his shirt, gently caressing him. "I'm sorry. I know now…"

"We both know now. There's no reason to beat yourself up over it. I love you Katherine Houghton Beckett Castle. I love you."

"And I love you to, Richard Edgar Alexander Rodgers Castle. I love you so much. And I almost told you another time on that same case. When we were standing in front of the bomb. Just as it was about to go off, I was going to tell you, just before we were blown to bits. Then you pulled out the wires before I had a chance to say anything. Then again when we hugged. I was going to tell you, but I chickened out. I should have. I really should have."

"All's well that ends well." Castle whispered, kissing her forehead.

"After Fallon talked to us, you were going to say something. Then you saw Josh and you said something about going home and left. What were you going to say?"

"I wasn't going to tell you that I was in love with you. I still didn't think you were ready to hear that."

She shook her head. "I was. I really was."

"I was going to say something like, I wanted more of a relationship with you and that Josh had competition. I didn't want to scare you away."

"You terrified me, Castle. Nothing terrified me then more than actually feeling something for someone. Nothing scared me more than loving you. But I was ready. At least, I like to think I was ready."

Castle stroked her hair. "It's okay. We're together."

"Josh and I had another fight about you that night. I think he knew that I was more interested in you than I was in him. I stupidly convinced myself and him that you and I were just friends. I knew better, but I was too afraid to admit it. I knew Josh wasn't the one for me, too. I think he sensed that too. He was a lot better with feelings than I was."

Rick held Kate in his arms until she stretched and stood up. "We were playing poker, I believe?"

"Your deal. You said stud poker?"

"Stud? You must have heard wrong." She said with a smile. "I said strip poker."

"So you did."