I Know What I Want

"Yes, Varya?" He questioned her nervously.

When she didn't say anything for a moment, he lifted his head and looked at her face. Her eyes quickly dropped and she felt she couldn't make eye contact. She never thought as an adult she would feel this nervous around something so normal. When he started to get tense, she knew she had to talk.

"Why haven't we had sex?" she asked, feeling the direct approach was the best route.

Basileus felt his head start to get hot and he quickly escaped from Varya's reach, stood up, and walked to the fireplace, keeping his back facing her. How was he supposed to tell her that he was going to become a very big problem for her if they ever crossed that line? The dread and stress started rising inside of him and he stared into the fire, willing himself to calm down. The first time they kissed, he knew she was the one he would lose control for - the one who would ruin him if she ever left him. From his understanding, she was from a culture who did things differently and the commitment he would burden her with was lifelong.

"I'm not upset," she said, unsure of if she should approach him or not. She could tell by his posture he was caught off guard. "I just wanted to know."

Basileus took a deep breath and let it out slowly. There were no words after that for a few minutes.

"Basileus, you're worrying me," Varya started, but she ran her hands through her hair and sighed. What a way to ruin an evening, she thought, feeling rejected once again. "Forget I said anything."

"Wait, Varya. Hold on." He quickly turned around, determined to stop things before they escalated. He didn't want her to think negatively of him.

"Don't you want to?" she asked him, her eyes not meeting his gaze.

He walked over to her and sat back down. Putting space between them at her question question was a mistake. While he didn't feel like being touched, he still grabbed her hand. He couldn't make eye contact at first.

"Of course I do," he responded. His eyes lifted to her face. "Look at you. I've never seen anything like you. You're in my bed every night and it's so hard to resist you…"

There was something he clearly wasn't saying. While the compliment was nice and caused her to blush, she knew there was something more.

"Then, what?" she questioned.

Basileus paused again, trying to find the right words.

"I'm going to tell you something not many beings know about Basilians," he started.

Her eyebrows lowered in confusion, but she waited for his explanation, trying not to jump to conclusions.

Before he started speaking again he kissed her hand.

"Sex, to us, is more than just a physical act," he spoke, but still couldn't meet her eyes. "It's binding. If you have sex with someone you're saying that you're going to be with that person for the rest of your life."

The prince realized he had put it too mildly when she looked even more confused. It didn't sound so bad to her - a little old fashioned if anything.

"What I'm trying to say is if we ever do… that," he looked nervous, more nervous than Varya had ever seen him, but he still continued, "I'm going to be your problem for the rest of my life. Even if your feelings change for me, I'm going to be possessive and try to seek you out. It's in my blood. Basilians evolved this way centuries ago. I've seen even the strongest warriors drop dead out of pure agony after losing their mate in battles." He sighed. "I don't want you to be burdened by me. As much self-awareness as I have, I can't ignore what's in my blood."

As he spoke, he finally met her gaze and his words became more intense. He wanted her to know how serious he was - how much he might change and how much it was out of his control.

Varya finally lay back and rested her head on the top of the couch, trying to digest this new information. A lot more started to make sense to her. However, it didn't change the fact that they had been around each other for over half an Earth year now and her feelings for him grew more intense each day. She knew for certain she didn't want anyone else the way she wanted the prince.

Her eyes left the ceiling. At the intense expression on the prince's face, she reached out and her hand found his cheek which caused him to look at her.

"I know what I want," she said. "I want a life with you, whatever that comes with. I wouldn't have survived this long away from Earth if it weren't for you."

Another thought struck him and words meant to be comforting made him nervous as well. This has been Emperor Kruos's plan the entire time; to get the two of them together. He didn't know what the end goal was.

"The emperor has been trying to push us into each other's arms since you first showed up in my room," Basileus explained. "It was always his intention for this to happen."

"Even if one of us is gone tomorrow, I won't regret anything I do with you," she said, more determined. "Maybe I'm selfish, but I want every part of you."

"That's what he wants…" Basileus trailed off.

"But what about what I want?" Varya asked and crossed her arms. Now her patience was wearing thin. She could only say yes to the same thing so many times only for him to question her.

"I just want you to think about every angle. You don't deserve a life of regret," he said with a sigh.

Varya had had enough at this point and stood up from the couch. She could say more, but he didn't seem to hear her words. She felt that maybe it was him who needed to think about it.

"I don't think anything is going to come from us talking, so I'm going to bed."

As she walked away, she brushed her hair over her shoulder, playing with the ends of it in order to distract herself. All his excuses and rebuttals caused her to wonder if maybe he was the one who didn't want it.

She lay in the bed, but didn't fall asleep.

Basileus soon followed, quietly climbing into the bed. He knew it would be a lot for her to take in, but he wanted her to be completely sure before he burdened her.

Not able to sleep either, he rolled over and looked at Varya who was facing away. It would be the first night in a long time where they wouldn't hold each other as they went to sleep. In a last ditch effort, he moved closer to her and kissed her head. He returned to his side of the bed and closed his eyes.

+++

Varya knew she wasn't going to be able to sleep, having gotten used to his warm body comforting her through the night. She must have been laying there for hours because it was finally completely dark in the room. She rolled over and could faintly see the prince who seemed to be asleep.

Her heart felt so heavy at their conversation. Asking him for a physical relationship turned out to be so much more than that, but she had to be honest with herself. The thought of him being so attached to her and only her caused her heart to race. She was enthralled by the man she shared a bed with every night. He protected her and made her feel safe, while also challenging her and keeping excitement alive.

Her only sadness came from knowing her parents never would meet the person she decided she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

It was time to empty her heart. She didn't care anymore if she had to convince him over and over. At this point, her life felt too short to deny herself and what she felt. Wasn't that the hardest part about a relationship? Taking a risk and hoping that it pays off.

Varya slid closer to the prince and put her hand on his bare chest. He woke up with a startle, but relaxed when he knew it was her. Even in the darkness, she could see the stress he carried by his tight jaw and intense gaze.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I've never been more sure of anything before," she whispered. "Whatever that comes with, I'm yours," she promised.

The smile on the prince's face in response to her words made him look like a kid. It was effortless and care free. He moved forward and rested his forehead against hers.

"I'll do everything I can to make you not regret those words," he promised in return.

With her in his arms and both of their hearts full, the couple went to sleep.