When a ferret talks trash

I stared at the Jarvey now clinging to my arm, its dark fur absorbing all light around it. The connection was still there, and the picture of a book was almost gone from my mind - weird, huh? No matter how hard I tried, I could never flip back to perfectly picture the memories in which the book appeared.

"Hey Hagrid," I said slowly, my eyes still fixed on the Jarvey's intelligent gaze, "did the Forbidden Forest actually have Jarveys before?"

The question had been nagging at me since the moment I'd pulled this particular specimen from its hole. Jarveys weren't supposed to be this far north - it was like this one had found me, or I found it. I didn't know why I thought so, I just did.

"I've never seen one before in the Fores'," Hagrid admitted, scratching his wild beard thoughtfully. "But who knows? Maybe a pack of 'em traveled up 'ere fer the winter."

"Don't ignore me, you batshits," the Jarvey interrupted, its voice carrying a distinctly cockney accent. "And why is your hand so bloody soft? It's uncomfortable." Despite this complaint, it pressed its head more firmly into my palm, seeming to defy gravity itself.

I studied the creature more closely. At about twice the size of a normal ferret, with sleek dark fur and surprisingly expressive eyes, it was an impressive specimen. But something wasn't adding up.

"Hey Hagrid?" I ventured again. "Weren't Jarveys only supposed to talk in short phrases? And they're not meant to understand human speech, right?"

"Tha's right," Hagrid confirmed, his beetle-black eyes twinklin' with interest.

I raised my arm, bringing the Jarvey level with my eyes. "Then how come I feel you can understand everything we're saying?"

"I can understand you, you golden-eyed fucker," it replied with surprising eloquence, confirming my suspicions. "Clear as a summer's day, ain't I?"

"Well then, don't you think you should go back to the forest where you belong?" I suggested, though I already knew the answer. The magical connection between us was growing stronger by the minute, like roots taking hold in fertile soil.

The Jarvey shook its head vigorously. "Trying to abandon me, are ya? Nah, I belong right here on your arm, even though your hand is disgustingly soft." It let out a sound somewhere between a purr and a growl, surprisingly affectionate for a creature known primarily for its foul mouth.

"If you're staying with me, I should at least give you a name," I mused. "Hagrid, what do you think?"

"'Ow about Blackfur?" Hagrid suggested with an embarrassed smile, scratching his neck when both the Jarvey and I turned ter stare at him incredulously.

"Jarvey is a perfectly good name already," the creature protested. "Why do you shitheads want to change it? It's my species name, you fuckers, and it rolls off my tongue well. I want Jarvey."

"Jarvey it is then," I agreed, somehow finding it fitting that a magical creature that defied convention would choose to keep its species name as its own.

We made our way back to Hagrid's cabin, where I bid him farewell. As I approached the castle doors, I found myself face-to-face with the Weasley twins, their red hair blazing like twin beacons in the winter light.

I couldn't help but sigh. "How much longer do I need to torture you two? It's getting rather boring."

"Until you get detention," they chorused. "It's unfair otherwise."

Jarvey stuck its head out from my palm, baring its sharp teeth. "Ah, gingers! They don't have souls - quickly, kill them!"

The twins' faces flushed as red as their hair as they raised their wands. Before I could even lift my hand in defense, they shouted, "Incendio!"

I flicked my wrist almost lazily, conjuring a shield that caused their flames to dissipate harmlessly. "You want to see fire?" I taunted, feeling my magic surge through me. "I'll show you fire."

"Yeah, yeah!" Jarvey cheered from my arm. "Show those soulless bastards what real magic looks like!"

I raised my hand skyward as the twins performed their own wand movements. Our voices rang out simultaneously through the winter air.

"Incendio!"

"I CAST FIREBALL!"

Two giant streams of fire emerged from their wands as a giant fireball formed on the edge of my hands. They collided together for a fraction of a second, when a yell came from my newest companion.

"Take that, you fuckers!"

The spell seemed to grow for a second as it barreled through the streams of fire, consuming them and making its way to the twins, who had their mouths hanging open. Mere centimeters away from them, I immediately dissipated the spell, right in front of them, though it seemed like some of the fire had reached them.

Where there was previously orange-filled hair and eyebrows was now completely nothing.

They both shot their hands, still with their wands, to their heads as they felt the lack of hair.

"Bloody hell!" one of the twins exclaimed - Fred, I thought, though I could never be entirely sure.

"That's not normal," George added, his eyes wide as they tracked the expanding sphere of flame.

"Nothing about him is normal," Fred muttered, backing away from me and Jarvey.

Jarvey cackled from his perch on my arm, his claws digging in slightly as he bounced with excitement. "That's right, you now not-so-ginger menaces! Run while you still can!"

"Well, well," came a silky voice from the top of the stairs. "What have we here?"

Professor Snape descended the steps with deliberate slowness, his black robes billowing dramatically. Behind him, Professor McGonagall's lips were pressed into such a thin line they had almost disappeared entirely. Every time I saw him I recalled the vision and how he had killed a muggle in cold blood, so basically yeah I didn't like him like at all.

"Fighting in the corridors," McGonagall said tersely. "With fire spells, no less! Have you lost your minds?"

"They started it!" the twins protested in unison.

"Like hell we did, you soulless bastards!" Jarvey shouted, causing both professors to start slightly.

"Mr. Serendipity," Snape drawled, his dark eyes fixing on my new companion, "do you have a permit for that Jarvey?"

"Uhm, no," was all I could muster up. "But I'm going to get them, I promise. He'll have all the paperwork for a pet at Hogwarts."

"Your pet? I'm not your fucking pet, you're my fucking pet," Jarvey yelled back.

McGonagall's eyebrows raised themselves. "Jarveys are foul-mouthed little creatures," she noted.

"You're the foul-mouthed creature, you old hag!"

I quickly shut up Jarvey with my other hand, though he started to nibble my fingers.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor," Snape announced, seeming to savor each word. "Each." The twins groaned in unison.

"And twenty points from Ravenclaw," McGonagall added, giving me a sharp look. "Plus detention for all three of you. Really, magical dueling in the corridors! You could have seriously injured someone."

Snape spoke up himself. "Fifteen points from Ravenclaw because of keeping an illegal animal in Hogwarts' grounds and for letting it speak like that to your professors."

Jarvey, however, ruffled in my arm, his nibbling worsening as muffled sounds escaped his mouth. "I hm spe hhm however I wan hmm you crooked hmm nose."

"Go to Mr. Filch, he'll give you your punishment."

I accepted my punishment with as much dignity as I could muster, though Jarvey continued to mutter creative insults under his breath.

The twins shot me a proud look as we walked together. "We told you you'd get detention too."

"You got more detention now than me, so that's double detention, plus you're twins, so it's like quadruple detention," I said before shutting up and forcefully shutting up Jarvey himself.

Before long, we made it to Mr. Filch's office. There, lounging in the sunlight on the table was Mrs. Norris, who sniffed before looking at me and jumping over as she began stroking herself against my leg.

"Don't do that, you old pussy, he's mine," Jarvey shouted from my palm, and they both looked at each other, her lantern-yellow eyes staring intensely at Jarvey's blood-red ones for a few seconds.

Then she rubbed herself on my leg again.

"Oh, that's it, you little bitch!" Jarvey tried jumping out of my arm, but I held him in place, struggling to do so if I was being honest. I then felt a finger on my shoulder. I turned around while still holding Jarvey down.

There, staring at all three of us with a wicked smile on his face, was Mr. Filch.

"You're going to clean every single thing in the kitchen."

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