Chapter 18

RAY

Ray must have heard the door opening because he jumped out of bed and rushed to the door, pulling his pants on. I couldn't see it, I could just noticed them coming into their kitchen, screaming and arguing at the top of their lungs. The altercation got more and more heated.

Whoa, i wasn't happy about Him going to the gay club, obviously. The shouting was so loud that I could actually hear some words, thanks to the slightly ajar window.

"Fucking whore…"

"Bore…"

"Disgusting…"

"Lame…"

"Slut…"

"Cumslut..."

"Cumdump...."

And then it happened,the smaller guy spat on the bigger guy and the bigger guy slapped the small guy. Hard.the small guy fell to the ground like a broken flower, and I jerked simultaneously, growling, clenching my fists, muttering a long series of curses under my breath. Should I rush over there?! He might need medical attention! He was sitting on the ground, pressing his hand to his cheek.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Not good.

The bigger guy just walked out of the kitchen,went outside and took a guy inside who looked like twink but the smaller guy just sat there motionless like his soul has been kicked out of him.

I felt like a terrible, despicable human being because I couldn't intervene. I couldn't help him without risking arrest for trespassing and being taken to the police precinct.

Looking at the poor small guy still sitting down in the floor looking like a withered flower, I couldn't help but feel deeply sorry for him. This relationship was sick and toxic. the smaller guy looked like he wanted exclusivity and the bigger guy obviously didn't, that was clear to me at this point. They would make each other miserable in the long run.

Slowly, the smaller guy got up, supporting himself on the table, and washed his face in the sink. He stood there; his narrow shoulders hunched. I could feel it. He was so unhappy. Miserable. His head was down and… I realized; he was weeping!

It felt almost like it was me, who was hit. My gaze locked onto him, attempting to send a wave of supportive energy from a distance, hoping he could feel it. It was as if I were virtually embracing him, yet at the same time, I felt like shit for not being there for him. It was a twisted situation.

Yes, he wasn't supposed to spit on the smaller guy, but things escalated way too quickly.

That was when the smaller guy turned and I saw that he looked a lot like me

NO, He was Me

I reach out hesitantly, a small part of me hoping that I'm wrong and the guy my boyfriend took inside was not who I think it is. A thousand different excuses run through my mind. Maybe they're a gift for me. Maybe they're a pair of old shoes I've just forgotten about. I know I'm lying to myself, and I hate myself for it.

I grab the shoes, my grip tightening around the heel. They look familiar, and my heart sinks when I realize why.

I tense when I hear a sound… a giggle. I'm in a strange state of denial as I stand up and force my feet forward, toward our bedroom. It's like my brain knows exactly what's happening, but my heart refuses to believe it.

My stomach twists painfully when I notice the trail of clothes leading to the room. Part of me wants to walk away, to pretend this isn't happening, but a larger part of me refuses to do that to myself.

I take the last few steps toward the bedroom, my entire body trembling. They didn't even close the door. The sounds coming from the room break my heart. A strange helplessness fills my body. It's like I'm on a collision course, yet I can't get myself to walk away.

I swallow down my tears as I make it to the doorway. I knew what I'd find, yet somehow, I struggle to make sense of what I'm seeing. Leon, the man thought I'd spend my life with, is in bed with another man. Not just any man — The guy who we worked at the same cafe,I helped him when he was homeless and I gave refuge to eventhough I didn't have much myself,the same guy that keeps encouraging me to have sex with Leon . he's been so friendly to me, and he got even friendlier when I started dating Leon. I should have known his intentions weren't pure.

I lean back against the wall, out of sight. My eyes fall closed, yet the image of the two of them haunts me. Leon has him in his arms, his lips pressed to his forehead. He's never once held me that way. Every single time we've had sex, he's gotten up to shower straight after. He always told me that it wasn't personal, that he hated laying in his own sweat. Yet he doesn't seem to have an issue with it right now, with Dan. The two of them are tangled in the sheets I spent weeks choosing.

I wrap my arms around myself but that won't stop the tremors, it won't ease the pain.

I hear the mattress squeak, and I can just imagine him leaning over to console him. I don't have it in me to look at them ,I've heard enough. More than enough. I wouldn't have forgiven him for cheating, but this? This kills me. None of what we had was real.

Is that what it was? Was it my body? Or was it a combination of things?

Leon and I didn't even sleep together until we'd decided to move in together while he didn't allow me to bring Tania, and now that makes sense. He didn't want Tania to see what he was doing behind my back. Sleeping with me was another way to keep me under his thumb, to keep me happy.

Whenever we did have sex, it was usually over quickly. Leon never held me the way he was holding Dan. He always, always showered straight after sex. I didn't use to think much of it and just assumed it was a personal preference. That maybe he just didn't like the idea of being even remotely sweaty. Now I know that's not what it was.

It was me.

I turn away, disgusted by the image in the mirror. I dress hurriedly, wanting to cover myself up. I've never felt so uncomfortable in my own skin, and I can't help but overthink everything.

I just about manage to swallow down a sob as I walk away. Part of me wants to confront them, but I can't do it. I can't stand any more of this. I need to get out before I fall apart. I don't want them to see. I don't want them to know that they broke what was left of me.

That was when I woke up from my dream.

That was it,The line that marks my before and after. I met my ex during the worst time in my life. That's when I notice the blanket laid out at the side of my bed, the pillows, an empty bag of takeout, a pile of warm clothes. I sniffle, tears dripping down my cheeks seeing that I woke up from a bad dream after getting back from my job at the night club.