SS: Honami Secrets of the Heart

I had distanced myself from Kayden. I knew it, I felt it every time I avoided looking him in the eyes or made up excuses not to be near him. We had stopped talking like we used to, and although I tried to convince myself that it was for the best, I knew there was a reason behind it all. It was me. My own feelings.

During the sports festival, it was impossible to keep denying it. Seeing him there, with that energy that had always attracted me, made my emotions clearer, more intense. I accepted what I had tried to hide for so long: I liked Kayden. But at the end of that day, the image of him with another girl, that closeness... something inside me changed.

Jealousy. Frustration. Anger. Everything mixed in a confusing, suffocating way. I got angry with him, so much that I stopped talking to him. Was I being immature? Yes, I knew. But even so, I didn't know what to do with these emotions that were consuming me from within. Should I confront him? Ask him what that closeness with her meant? Why could he be so calm while I was consumed by doubts?

I had no idea how to handle my feelings. I had never been in love before, and no one had ever confessed to me, so I had no reference for how to act. I thought that distancing myself would help me clarify my thoughts, to find an answer. But all I had managed was to feel more lost.

Every day that passed away from him, I saw how Kayden spent more time with Mako-chan and Yuki-chan. And the jealousy returned, once again, like a shadow I couldn't shake off. It was a bitter feeling, as if a part of me was being displaced. And the worst part was that it was my fault. I had chosen to distance myself, and now I was suffering the consequences.

I wanted to get closer again. I wanted to talk to him like before, laugh together, share those little moments that made me feel special. But there was a barrier, a barrier I had raised myself. And the more time passed, the harder it became to break it down.

But what would happen if I confessed my feelings and he rejected me? Just thinking about that possibility terrified me. I didn't know if I could handle it. Kayden had become someone irreplaceable to me. A pillar in my life that, if it crumbled, I didn't know how I could move on. How do you face the possibility of losing someone who means so much?

That doubt paralyzed me. I wanted to be brave, to tell him how I felt, but the fear... the fear of losing him was too strong. And in the meantime, I stayed here, trapped in my own feelings, watching from afar as the distance I had built continued to grow.

The clock kept ticking, the days passed, but I remained motionless, trapped in my own thoughts. I couldn't stand being like this, but every time I tried to take a step, something inside me held me back. It was as if there were an invisible force pushing me backward, pulling me even further away from what I truly wanted.

The times I crossed paths with Kayden in the hallways made my heart race, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. It hurt more than it should, because every smile he directed at someone else, every word exchanged with Mako-chan or Yuki-chan made me feel like a stranger in his life. When had we gone from being so close to this? How had we reached this point where he seemed to move on without me?

And then there were those moments, those brief instants when our gazes crossed accidentally. For a second, all the noise disappeared. But before I could comprehend what I saw in his eyes, I would look away, letting it pass. Did he also notice the distance between us? Or maybe... he didn't care as much as I did. That thought was a thorn that dug deeper every time.

I had tried to distract myself. I forced myself to focus on other things, on my studies, on activities, on everything that could keep my mind away from Kayden. But everything always came back to him, inevitably. It was as if everything in my life revolved around his presence, and every second that passed without talking to him was self-imposed torture.

Others seemed to notice the change, even though no one mentioned it directly. Mako-chan and Yuki-chan would glance at me sideways when passing by Kayden, as if they knew something I didn't. That feeling of being watched only made me feel more insecure, as if I were the only one who didn't understand what was really happening.

...

Kayden was trapped in the mall elevator. The first thing I felt was panic. He shouldn't be hurt or in danger, but just the fact that something was wrong with him made a knot of worry form in my stomach. And worst of all, he had called for me. Why me, after so long without talking? Did he still trust me despite our distance?

Without thinking too much, I hurried to the place. All the confusion I had been feeling those days disappeared completely, as if I could only focus on one thing: helping him. At that moment, nothing else mattered. The questions, the frustration, the resentment over how I had seen him with other girls, all buried under a single priority: he needed me.

Upon arrival, I informed the staff so the elevator could work again. I was relieved, almost relaxed, thinking I would soon see him come out of there, safe, as if this were nothing more than a minor inconvenience. But I wasn't prepared for what I saw.

When the elevator doors finally opened, the world around me stopped. Kayden was there, but he wasn't alone. There was a girl with him, pressed against his chest. And he was shirtless, his skin glistening under the elevator lights, covered in sweat.

The impact was instant, brutal. Everything I had felt before, all that panic and worry, transformed into something completely different. I couldn't process it, I couldn't understand what I was seeing. My mind couldn't accept what my eyes were witnessing. Images began to appear, assumptions, vague ideas I didn't even want to have. But they were impossible to ignore. The scene looked so intimate, so close, so completely wrong.

The pain hit me before I could even react. It wasn't just jealousy; it was a mix of betrayal, frustration, and a fury I didn't know how to control. He had called for me, I had rushed over without hesitation, and now I found myself with this. I wanted to think there was a logical explanation, but I couldn't help but let my emotions overflow. Everything I had felt for him in those days, all those repressed feelings, exploded all at once.

I couldn't stay there another second. I turned around and left without saying a word. I knew he was following me, trying to talk to me, but I couldn't face this, not at that moment. The knot in my throat, the pain in my chest, was too much. I couldn't look him in the eyes after what I had seen.

Why did it hurt so much? I knew the answer, even though I didn't want to admit it: because I cared more than I was willing to accept. I cared more than I wanted to show. And now, seeing that closeness with another person, seeing that intimacy so clear, made me feel small and powerless.

I had made a mistake. By pulling away from him, by not telling him how I felt, I had created this distance between us. And now, because of my own insecurity, I had pushed him even further away. But how could I do the opposite? How could I confess my feelings to him, risk being rejected? If I did, and he didn't feel the same… I couldn't bear it. Kayden had become someone irreplaceable to me. Losing him was a constant fear I couldn't shake from my mind.

But now, the fear was closer than ever. And I had provoked it myself.

...

It was impossible to avoid it. Every day, every morning, I felt him behind me. Even when we didn't speak, when we exchanged not a single word, his presence remained firm. Sitting just behind me, Kayden was always close, yet at the same time, so unreachable. It was a painful contradiction, knowing that I only had to turn my head to see him, but feeling that the short distance between us was an abyss.

Sometimes, when the class was silent and only the sound of pens scraping against paper could be heard, I could feel his gaze on me. Was I imagining things? Or perhaps he also noticed that something had changed. On more than one occasion, I thought about turning around, asking him something simple just to start a conversation, any excuse to break the silence. But I didn't do it. My emotions held me back.

I distanced myself from him because I didn't know how to deal with what I felt, but time only increased my confusion. Seeing him every day, so close, made me feel even more vulnerable. Every time he leaned forward to pass me a sheet or respond to a question from the teacher, his voice seemed to resonate in my ears in a way that made me tremble. And with each passing day, my jealousy, my frustration, and that fear of losing him only grew.

Kayden, for his part, acted as if nothing had changed. Didn't he realize? Didn't he notice the invisible barrier I had built between us? Or perhaps he had noticed and simply didn't care. That idea tormented me.

Today, like every day, I felt him behind me, that physical closeness that only increased the emotional distance between us. I took a breath, my fingers gripping my pen more tightly than necessary. I had to do something. I couldn't keep living with this uncertainty.

When class ended, I decided that I could no longer postpone it. This would be the last time I would run away from my own feelings. I slowly turned in my seat, my heart pounding loudly in my chest. Kayden was packing his books, his expression relaxed, as if the world around him didn't affect him. As if my silence didn't matter to him at all.

Words crowded in my throat, but all I could do was watch him, study him. There was something so comforting about the way he was, in his carefree attitude. But that was precisely what disarmed me. The distance I had created between us felt like a chain keeping me captive, and even though he didn't know it, I was about to break it.

His hair fell messily over his forehead as he focused on his books, as if the outside world didn't exist. And I found myself trapped between admiration and frustration, between tenderness and resentment. Why was it so easy for him? Why could he behave as if nothing had changed while I felt lost in a sea of emotions?

My mind ventured into scenarios where I could approach him, where words would flow effortlessly. But every time I imagined those moments, a wave of anxiety hit me. What if I didn't know what to say? What if he didn't want to listen? It was a dangerous game I was playing with myself, and with each passing day without speaking, the risk increased.

I decided to watch him for a moment longer, searching his face for any clue, any sign that he also felt this tension between us. But his expression remained calm, almost oblivious to my internal torment. A weight settled in my chest as I realized I had projected so many hopes onto him, hopes that could vanish with a single glance.

A sigh escaped my lips, and I felt almost ridiculous for letting my thoughts take me to such a point. "How did I get here?" I wondered. It used to be so easy to talk to him, to laugh and enjoy his company. When did it start feeling like an impossible mountain to climb?

When I finally turned to face him, my breath caught for a moment. The intensity of my feelings became overwhelming. It was a whirlwind of fear, desire, and vulnerability that left me breathless. My heart raced, and in that moment, I wished with all my might that he could understand what was going on in my mind, that he could read my heart and realize how much he meant to me.

But I couldn't expect him to do the work for me. The responsibility of sharing my feelings rested on my shoulders, and yet, I felt powerless. The thought of being seen, of being judged, of being rejected filled me with panic. But wasn't it more painful to live in this incessant indecision?

I sat frozen, watching as he gathered his things, oblivious to the storm consuming me. The internal struggle grew more intense, as if two parts of me were at conflict: one wanting to take a step forward and the other, fearful that that step would lead me into an abyss.

Finally, when he stood up and began walking toward the door, my impulse to act became stronger than my fear. My hands trembled slightly, but I took a breath and tried to remember the moments when I had felt strong. The idea of losing him was more terrifying than the possibility of rejection.

As the crowd of students dispersed, I felt my heart shrink, the urgency pressing within me. "It's now or never!" I silently screamed. But time seemed to move more slowly as he approached the exit.

I decided that I could not let this moment slip away without trying. I had to find a way to speak, even if it was just a simple "hello," even if it was just a glance that conveyed what I couldn't say. If I could do that, maybe, just maybe, I would find the courage to open up completely.

Adrenaline surged through my veins as I rose from my seat, driven by a mix of desperation and determination. But just as I was about to take a step toward him, my mind filled with doubts again. "What if he turns around? What if he ignores me?"

As his figure faded into the distance, I felt despair beginning to take over me. Perhaps I would never find a way to cross that abyss. Maybe this uncertainty was the price I had to pay for letting my feelings become tangled without being able to express them.

And in that moment of deep sadness, I realized I was at a critical point: I could choose to stay in the shadow of my emotions or risk taking a step into the light. But fear still loomed like a monster behind me, and as I watched him walk away, my decision remained trapped between what I wanted and what I feared.

But in the end, I had made up my mind. I needed to talk to him, and not just about my feelings, but also about the rumors swirling around me. That pressure I felt didn't just come from my emotions toward Kayden, but from the urgent need to rid myself of the discomfort that tormented me day after day. I had to face the situation, clear the air between us, and hopefully count on his support. With determination, I began searching for Kayden, ready to put an end to this awkward relationship that I had created myself.

However, what I found was a devastating blow. There he was, sitting on a bench in the courtyard, with a girl in his lap, gently stroking her hair with a sweetness that left me paralyzed. It was as if time stood still, and all the air escaped from my lungs. "Seriously? Why now?" The question echoed in my mind as a knot formed in my throat. Why, just when I needed him the most, was he getting carried away with another girl?

A deep pain settled in my heart, a pain I knew I couldn't ignore. But in the next instant, that pain was replaced by a feeling that was strange to me. It was something I had never felt before, a mix of confusion and possessiveness that surprised me. I wanted that girl to disappear, to get as far away from Kayden as possible. My mind clouded with possessive thoughts, and the desire to be the only one in his life took hold of me. It was as if the idea of him sharing those intimate moments with someone else ignited a flame within me, a flame I didn't know was love or jealousy.

The image of Kayden stroking that girl became engraved in my mind, and even though it hurt, something in me refused to give in. Why did I care so much? I had no right to feel jealous, and yet, there I was, caught in a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. Frustration invaded me, and anger began to bubble up inside, not against him, but against myself for not having the courage to approach him sooner. I had lost the chance to be the one receiving those caresses, the one sharing those moments.

With each second that passed, my decision to speak to him faded. The idea of approaching him and shattering that perfect image I had built in my mind became more terrifying. Instead of the clarity I had sought, I felt myself sinking into a sea of confusion and self-pity. Why had I let it come to this? I turned on my heels, the weight of my emotions crushing me as I returned to my room.

When I arrived, I closed the door behind me and collapsed onto the bed, feeling as if the outside world was fading away. I needed to think about my emotions, about everything that had happened. Anguish and desperation wrapped around me like shadows, and the pain of seeing Kayden with another girl mingled with a feeling of betrayal towards myself. But betrayal for what? For having loved him?

The confusion was overwhelming. My mind was at war. On one hand, I wanted him to be happy, to find companionship with someone he could share those moments with. But on the other hand, I couldn't help feeling that he had stolen something that was solely mine. The image of his smile, of our shared laughter, all of it seemed to fade away as he dedicated himself to someone else.

"Maybe I shouldn't care," I repeated to myself over and over, but each time I did, the pain intensified. That girl had entered my life, and somehow, she had begun to take Kayden away from me.

As I lay in bed, I lost track of time, trapped in a cycle of repetitive thoughts. I couldn't let this situation stagnate like this. I had to find a way to clarify my feelings and, above all, find the courage to confront Kayden.

I knew I couldn't keep running away. It was time to take control of my emotions and face them. "I can't let rumors or my own fears drive a wedge between us," I told myself, even though doubts continued to torment me.

At the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants, and what I wanted was to talk to Kayden. But would I be able to do it without my words drowning in confusion? With that thought, I sank even deeper into my sheets, exhaustion and sadness wrapping around me, hoping that morning would offer me a new beginning, a new opportunity to find the courage I so desperately needed.

...

Strange emotions had taken hold of me without me realizing it, and almost without thinking too much, I called Kayden to my room with a short and direct message. The decision surprised me, as I still felt a whirlwind of sensations inside me. Why had I called him? Maybe because, in a way, those unusual emotions had taken control, and thanks to that, I could finally open up to him and tell him everything I felt.

Kayden arrived at my room quite quickly. His expression was one of curiosity and a touch of unease. He asked if I had been waiting for him to call. That simple question filled me with happiness; it made me feel like he was really paying attention to me, that he cared.

When he entered, he noticed the dimness that enveloped the room, something very different from usual. Before I could hesitate, I gently pushed him onto the bed and positioned myself right above him, preventing him from escaping. His surprise was evident, and I felt my heart racing, not only from the adrenaline of the moment but from the need to confront everything I had been repressing.

I began to speak, the words flowing like a bursting torrent. I confronted him about his closeness with other girls, I told him how I had felt all this time. My voice, though loaded with frustration, had a hint of release. Each word I said freed me a little more, as if by airing my feelings, I could clear the storm that had clouded my heart.

But in the midst of my speech, Kayden interrupted me. When he spoke, I was profoundly surprised by what I heard. Did he not know what it was to love? Incredulity washed over me. Was it possible that someone so close to me had never experienced that feeling? As I looked at him, his serious face told me he wasn't joking. That revelation disconcerted me.

Sadness flooded me at the thought of him. What had his life been like to reach that point, where love seemed to be an alien concept? The image of his childhood, of his family, of a home that may not have been warm, crossed my mind. Did he have a father? A mother? Siblings? He had never talked about his personal life, and despite my curiosity, I didn't like to pressure him into sharing more than he was willing to.

It was as if, upon discovering his lack of experience in love, I also revealed the cracks in his own being. A part of me wanted to hug him and console him, as if I could fill that void that, unintentionally, I had exposed. Was it possible that in my search for answers, I had also opened a door to his own demons?

While silence settled between us, my thoughts swirled, a storm of emotions that seemed endless. I watched Kayden's face closely, searching for answers in his eyes, hoping to understand the complexities of what he felt. The sincerity in his gaze told me that, despite the confusion, there was a truth behind his words. It was hard to believe that someone could be so close to other girls without even questioning the possibility that those feelings could turn into love. But how could I judge him for that? My frustration mingled with sadness, and I realized that I had been unfair to him.

Kayden had been dragged into this situation by my impulses, by my own fears. He had acted out of anger and insecurity, but at the same time, he also had his responsibility. He didn't know what it was to love, and that made me question what we had between us. I felt as if I had pushed him into a corner, forcing him to confront emotions he might not be ready to understand. Guilt enveloped me as I thought about how my reactions might have influenced his behavior, leading him to forge connections with other girls without considering the consequences.

In an instant, the anger and frustration that had guided me began to fade, replaced by a desire to understand him better. I decided to change my approach. With a softer voice laden with sincerity, I apologized to him. "I'm sorry for treating you like that," I said, feeling each word release from my chest, "and for being unfair to you, for not putting myself in your shoes." It was a crucial moment, an attempt to break down the barrier that had risen between us.

I didn't want Kayden to feel pressured to make decisions based on what others expected of him. The idea that he might be accepting another girl's feelings out of obligation filled me with unease. I wanted any decision he made to come from the heart, that his choice wasn't dictated by others' expectations but by genuine desire. My hope was that he could find his way, that he could discover what he truly felt.

I suggested that he take some time to delve into his emotions, to reflect on what he really wanted. I wanted him to have the freedom to explore his feelings, without the pressure of my anxiety or the expectations of others. "Maybe soon you'll be able to give me an answer," I said, feeling a slight knot in my stomach. "One that I hope will be positive. And if it's not…" I didn't want to finish the sentence, but the words hung in the air, heavy and difficult to digest.

As our conversation faded into an uncomfortable silence, the atmosphere grew tense. We were both sitting across from each other, with an abyss of unresolved emotions between us. Confusion and vulnerability floated in the air like an echo of what we had shared. I looked at Kayden, trying to grasp his thoughts, his fears, his desires. At that moment, I knew we were at a turning point, a crossroads where our decisions could change the course of our relationship.

Despite the discomfort, there was a spark of hope. We had begun to open up to each other, shedding our defenses. The connection we shared was deeper than I had imagined, and although the road ahead was filled with uncertainties, there was something comforting in knowing that we were willing to explore it together. The day continued its course, and as we stared at each other in silence, I knew it was only the beginning of a journey that could lead us to discover what we truly meant to each other.

...

The day was still not over when Kayden, with a look of genuine concern, began to ask me how I felt about the rumors circulating. His voice was soft, almost a whisper, as if he feared that any word too strong might break the delicate thread of trust we were beginning to weave.

"How have you been?" he asked, his eyes fixed on mine, searching for answers beyond words.

But there was one rumor in particular that hurt me more than the others, one that labeled me a "criminal." It was a title that haunted me, an echo from the past that reminded me of my mistakes. It was true, painfully true, and I didn't like recalling those events. However, at that moment, I knew I couldn't keep hiding it. I needed to be completely honest with him, to open up as I had never done with anyone before.

With a lump in my throat and my heart pounding, I began to tell him about my past, about the desperate decision I had made. My words flowed through tears, each phrase imbued with a pain I thought I had learned to manage. "I stole from a store," I confessed, my voice trembling. "I did it to buy my little sister a necklace she wanted so much."

As I spoke, tears began to slide down my cheeks, each one a burden of repressed feelings. Remembering those moments tore at my soul. Thinking of my mother's face, filled with disappointment, felt like a punch in the stomach. Not only had I betrayed my parents' trust, who worked so hard to give us the best, but I had turned their efforts to ashes. It was a crime I had justified as something noble, a foolish illusion that led me to lose myself in the process.

My mother's face appeared vividly in my mind, those eyes that had once been filled with love and pride now reflected the deepest disappointment. I remembered the moment she forced me to tell the store owners what I had done. They took me by the hand, their gaze filled with sadness, and I knew I was breaking their hearts. I knelt before them, the words stuck in my throat, and as I apologized, I felt each syllable was a stab. "I'm sorry," I repeated, my voice cracking. "I'm so sorry."

Humiliation and guilt intertwined, creating a knot in my chest that I could barely endure. Each word that left my lips was a reminder of how far I had fallen. My hands trembled, not only from shame but from the pain of seeing my parents' faces, filled with sadness and disappointment. I had believed my actions were justified, that the end justified the means, but the reality was that I had hurt those I loved most.

As my words flowed through sobs, I saw empathy and understanding shining in Kayden's eyes. He was not judging me; he did not see me as the "criminal" the rumors had painted. In his gaze, there was a safe space where I could drop the burden I had been carrying for so long.

His presence was a balm, and although the pain still burned inside me, I felt that by sharing my story, I was taking a step toward redemption. Perhaps, by opening up to Kayden, I could finally begin to forgive myself. The night continued to advance, but amidst my confusion, I had found a ray of hope. Sharing my truth with him not only liberated me but also brought me closer to the possibility of healing. And perhaps together we could face the echoes of our past and build a future where our truths did not define us but united us.

Kayden looked at me with a calmness that surprised me, as if all my confessions had only strengthened the bond we shared. There was no judgment in his eyes, only a deep understanding that wrapped around me like a warm blanket on a cold night. "Honami," he said softly, his voice resonating with sincerity. "We all make mistakes. What matters is what we learn from them and how we become better people."

His words resonated in my heart like an echo of hope I desperately needed. "Don't punish yourself for what you did. Sometimes life pushes us to make difficult decisions, and that doesn't define who you really are. What matters is that you had the courage to be honest and open with me."

The way he looked at me, with those eyes full of warmth and light, made the heavy chains of guilt I had carried for so long begin to loosen. I felt a ray of happiness rising within me, like a flower bud struggling to break through to the surface in spring. "Do you really believe that?" I asked, still with a trembling voice, but the weight of my tears began to lift.

"Of course," he replied, his voice firm. "What you did doesn't make you a criminal. It makes you someone who has learned, who has grown. And here you are, having the courage to tell me. That is admirable."

His support was like a balm for my open wound. I had never imagined that sharing my burden with someone could release so much pain. I looked down, feeling how the warmth of his words began to heal the old wounds in my soul. "Thank you, Kayden. It really means a lot to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in my past and that I'll never be able to get out of it."

"We all face our own demons," he said, leaning closer to me, his expression filled with empathy. "But you have to remember that you are not alone. I am here for you, and I will always be by your side. You can count on me."

His words filled me with gratitude and joy. I felt the shadows that had followed me for so long beginning to dissipate, and for the first time in a long time, I smiled. That smile was not only a reflection of my emotions but a testament that I had found someone who truly cared for me.

"Thank you, Kayden. I don't know what I would do without you," I murmured, my heart beating faster, as if a new beginning was gestating. At that moment, I realized that I had not only shared my story but had also found a companion on this complicated journey called life.

As the afternoon progressed, the atmosphere in the room grew even more intimate. Although Kayden tried to get up, a possessive impulse led me to stop him. Without thinking, I pushed him back onto the bed, feeling the need for him to stay a little longer by my side.

With a touch of boldness, I put handcuffs on his wrists, ensuring that he couldn't leave. It was my way of keeping him close, of clinging to that moment I had desired so much. The surprise on his face only fueled my determination to enjoy his company.

As I settled beside him, the feeling of warmth and connection grew between us. I wanted to prolong that moment, to savor every second by his side. The room, bathed in soft light, became our little refuge where the outside world faded away. Each heartbeat resonated in the stillness, and time seemed to stop, creating a bubble of intimacy that I yearned to maintain.

With him by my side, the weight of my worries dissipated, and all that existed was the desire to share every moment with him, even in the simplicity of just being together. In that stillness, a bond solidified that went beyond friendship—a desire to protect what had begun to bloom between us. The past was no longer a burden; it was a part of my story, and with Kayden by my side, I felt ready to write a bright future, one filled with hope and love.