I am Naruto, but I don't believe it

Pain. I woke up to a pounding headache and a sharp pain at the back of my head and groaned.

" Ugh, my head."

I pulled myself up to find my body sore all over and drained. Feeling the back of my head as I sat up, and I was met with a wet, sticky sensation and more pain as I touched the surprisingly tender spot.

I then looked at my hand to see it covered with blood, and I wondered what had hit me. My head ached as I tried to recall where my cell was and found it nowhere nearby. My head was killing me as I recalled a nearby hospital I could go to for help.

I tried to get on my feet, but I fell as the world spun, and any sense of balance vanished. I tried to support myself against... a tree? When did I get outside? My head throbbed as I failed to recall how I ended up here. What is going on?

I took a deep breath to try and calm myself. I tried to leave the tree supporting me but fell onto the grass face-first. I could not help but curse.

" Damn it!"

I found my throat dry and hoarse as I raised my voice more than before. I managed to get on all fours, but the world started to spin again. Left with no choice, I began to crawl. I then felt like someone was suddenly saying something, but my ears were ringing. I looked up. My vision was hazy and blurry as I saw red and white, and then I felt someone pick me up, and darkness took me as I closed my eyes.

________________________________________

Konoha Shinobi Hospital

In an office of the hospital, he sat the Third Hokage, Hiruzen Sarutobi. A man of advanced years in a red kimono with a white haori, and customary Hokage hat. His dark eyes narrowed as he ordered the Medical Ninja before him.

" Report!"

" Yes, Lord Third. From what we have found, he had severe head trauma along with intense Chakra exhaustion. He is slated to make a full recovery in a week, sir."

The Third Hokage was about to take out his smoke pipe to smoke but stopped himself as he remembered he was in a hospital. He then barked an order as his irritation bled into his mood.

" You are dismissed."

" Yes, Lord Third."

The Medical Ninja bowed and left the office. The Third Hokage then called out in the seemingly empty room.

" Dog, who was supposed to watch him today?"

A Ninja with gravity-defying gray hair and a white dog mask on out of thin air as he teleported.

" That would be Sloth, sir."

" Find him and drag him here to explain his negligence!"

The Third Hokage ordered with growing anger, and Dog disappeared to fulfill his orders. The old man got up to head to the roof to smoke.

As the Third Hokage smoked with his long pipe to calm himself, Dog reappeared alone, and the Hokage demanded.

" Where is Sloth?"

Dog was hesitant to answer, and the Third Hokage used Dog's true name sternly.

" Kakashi."

" Forgive me, Lord Third, but I could not find Sloth anywhere. I checked his residence and asked his teammates, but he has not been seen since this morning when he was assigned to watch over him."

The Third Hokage frowned at the answer he got and then ordered.

" Gather up a team and search for Sloth discreetly, Dog."

" Yes, sir!"

The Third Hokage, to a long drag, blew out a puff of smoke before extinguishing his pipe and leaving the hospital with his mind full of unanswered questions and suspicions.

________________________________________

I woke up to an unfamiliar white ceiling. I pulled myself up, and I felt better than before. I looked out the windows to see an unfamiliar city with strange architecture. As I took in the sights, one thing drew my eye above all else. Four faces were carved onto a cliff over a strange-looking red building.

" What in the?"

My mind then went blank at the strange but familiar sight. I sighed and cursed.

" Fuck."

I crashed back into my pillow and hospital feeling a fresh wave of tiredness despite just waking up. I am in the world of Naruto which is not all sunshine and rainbows. First off I am a typical Twenty-first-century Phone addict, a lazy one at that, and the only forms of entertainment I am sure of in this world are reading, gambling, drinking, and enjoying the company of women.

I was an anime, Manga, webtoon, fanfiction, games, and funny cat video kind of guy, plus some music videos, or at least I was. Although on the plus side, I could become a Ninja despite the work that might be involved. I then looked to see my new body and saw it was nothing but a kid's body, which could make the situation complicated or straightforward.

If I am an orphan with no friends, then I could manage, but if I have a new family related to this body, then considering I have no memories of this world from near as I can tell aside from what I remember from my previous life then I need to pretend to have amnesia.

Speaking of my previous life I have no idea how I died either and no memory of meeting some higher power either.

I massaged my temples as I come to terms with every, EVERY, shitstorm that comes with this world. The Akatsuki, Orchimaru, Naruto and Sasuke's bullshit, Madara Uchiha, Danzo's ROOT, Kaguya and the rest of the Ōtsutsuki clan, including the idiot on the moon, and of course the Fourth Shinobi War.

This is not counting the cluster fucks in Boruto that I only knew the bare minimum about since I lost interest after the first few arcs in the Manga and anime. The concept was good but it was poorly executed.

I then tried a vain hope that I had a system to help me survive.

" Status?"

" System?"

" Activate!"

" Help?"

After several more attempts I gave up as either I had no system or if I did miraculously have one I won't activate unless I trigger some specific requirements I had no idea about. I aptly summed up my situation in one word.

" Fuck."

For now I need to work out a timeline and get an idea of how much time I have left before everything goes to shit. After that I need to figure out what to do next and if I don't have a system by the start of canon, well, I will find somewhere to hide and let Naruto, Sasuke, and their kids deal with all that shit as I want no part of it.

I briefly considered doing some Waifu hunting as I died without getting married and I regret it a little but I shook my head as that was too troublesome. Then again... I might want to get into Genjutsu and find some civilian girls that had no defenses against it to have some fun. I grin as could act on some of my darker desires with that particular branch of Jutsu if I am smart and careful.

If don't have a system being a Ninja is going to involve a lot of hardwork but it would definitely be worth it to have some real tangible power. Power to do what I want although I will probably bully the weak and fear the strong going by that Chinese idiom.

However, I might be getting ahead of myself as I still don't fully understand my situation yet. As I laid down lost in my thoughts I heard the door open to see a cute brunette nurse come in. If she is anything to go by there won't be any shortage of good looking girls and women for me to fool around with that are not part of cast of Naruto. She saw me and stated with a neutral tone.

" Oh, your awake? I will go get someone to examine you."

She left as quickly as she came and a Medical Ninja showed, the headband gave it away. A middle age guy with a milky left eye that was probably blind. He start giving me a once over, checking my vitals, vision, reflexes and alike. Even used the Medical Jutsu known as Mystic Healing Palm that felt surprisingly nice and warm. Hmm... that might be useful in a massage as well. Okay Genjutsu and Medical Jutsu are on my to-do list, oh, and Sealing Jutsu as well as there are a lot fan-theories of how potentially broken it could be.

As my mind raced on the possibilities of this new life the door was opened again and I saw an unexpected face. Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage, the Professor, and some less than flattering titles that fans, myself included, gave him at examining his character profile and history with critical thinking. The Medical Ninja examiming me greeted him.

" Lord Third, I was just finishing giving Naruto his preliminary exam."

WHAT!?

WHAT DID THE FUCK DID HE JUST CALL ME!? DID HE JUST CALL ME NARUTO! OH, FUCK, OH, FUCK, FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK! This either very, very, VERY, bad or a bit good. On one hand I have guarantees of becoming powerful but on the other hand the sheer amount of bullshit I am going to have put up with is making me have some suicidal thoughts. Naruto's life might be entertaining behind a screen but living it... Just Fucking hell.

As I was panicking inside my, Naruto's head I heard the Third Hokage call out to me.

" Naruto!"

" Huh? What?"

I blurted out unconsciously as I look to see the Third Hokage looking at me with concern as he asked.

" How are you feeling, Naruto?"

" Um, fine I guess?"

I said truthfully as I set aside my whirlwind of emotions to try and focus on the here and now. I can panic and rave later first I have to get through this first hurtle as one wrong move can result in me having my brain literally examined memory by memory. What did I do to deserve this? On second thought nevermind I am not a good person overall but still this is some right bullshit here to be in this situation.

The Third Hokage then asked me.

" Do you remember how you winded up in the hospital?"

I shook my head as I honestly had no clue as I way more questions than answers. He then asked.

" Do you know how you got your injuries?"

" I think I was training but everything is fuzzy."

I answered with a half truth as again I have no clue about how I got to this point. The Third Hokage then nodded in understanding as he said.

" I see."

The old man then puts on a grandfathery smile which sent chills down my spine as my mind went to every worse case scenario of what sort of Hiruzen Sarutobi I was dealing with here. I hoped a kind but soft and foolish grandfather figure but feared for a vile manipulative old bastard with very few bottomlines. The only thing I can do now is hope for the best but prepare for the worse. He then offered.

" How about once you get discharged from the hospital Naruto we go get some Ichiraku Ramen."

" Ah, sure, that sounds good."

The Third Hokage continued to smile kindly and told me.

" Make sure to follow the Medical Ninja's orders, Naruto so you can get out of here as soon as possible."

" I will."

I kept my sentences short as I pretty sure I can not do a very good Naruto impression right now with my mind being the mess that it is right now. The Third Hokage turned to leave with the Medical Ninja in tow and as they closed the door I slumped down into my bed while muttering.

" Fuck, I don't believe it."

________________________________________

The Third Hokage had returned to his office stacked with mountains of paperwork. He looked at them and thought it would be so easy just burn them all with one little Fire Style Jutsu but he sighed and gave up on that increasingly tempting idea as the days go by. Dog reappeared with his report.

" Lord Third, Sloth has been found dead and from the looks of it like he ingested poison at some point. Unfortunately, the poison has thoroughly gone through his digestive track which has made finding its origins difficult for ANBU as any samples we acquire are heavily corroded so it's still undergoing investigation."

" I want answers Kakashi, Naruto was severely hurt and could have possibly died if I had not decided to go see him that day."

" Understood, sir."

Dog disappeared into thin air with a Body Flicker and the Third Hokage started to smoke as he was once more starting to smell conspiracy brewing in the village. One of his underperforming ANBU just happened to die on the day he was assigned to watch Naruto and Naruto got serious injuries along with intense Chakra exhaustion was too coincidental to be happenstance. The only question is who did it.