61. Chapter 61

AN: Many apologies for the massive delay between chapters. Life has just been super hectic and I haven't been able to write at all. Thanks so much for all the wonderful reviews and PMs making sure everything was okay!

To the anonymous review on the last chapter; I know that on the show Meredith could swim and chose not to. And you're right; this would make an interesting dynamic for them in this fic. But I think the show missed out on an opportunity to explore strong Meredith and guilt-ridden, hurting Derek. (Which, okay, they've done recently on the show, but I've had this mapped out for a year...). In this version, Meredith has something to fight for. And Derek knew she couldn't swim. And that is the dynamic I want to explore between them in the next several chapters. Thanks for the feedback; I always want to know what readers are liking/not liking about the differences between this version and the original.

Swathed in one of Derek's old college sweatshirts – aka one of Meredith's new shirts – Meredith half sat, half lay on the couch in her living room, watching television and spooning ice cream into her mouth. It had been a week since her accident, and three days since Derek had brought her home.

It was also the first day since her accident that Derek hadn't spent most of his time by her side. She had finally convinced him to go into the hospital. As much as she enjoyed his constant presence in the last week, she knew it would be good for him to have some air. He needed to leave her for several hours and come back to find her still there.

She had, of course, known something had been off with him, but she had had no idea how deep his fears and insecurities lay. The truth about his father's death had shocked her. His behaviour and attitudes about his father had led her to believe the death had been sudden and unexpected, but she had never found the right time to ask. And now that she knew, she had no idea what to say to him, no idea how to make it better.

She also had no idea how to make his unfounded guilt about her drowning disappear. It was because of him that she was alive; why couldn't he see that?

Meredith sighed and shoved a large spoonful of strawberry ice cream into her mouth, grateful that Derek had thought to pick some up the previous day when she had forced him out of the house for at least an hour. They had spent the day of his revelations together, and then the next day – yesterday – Meredith had awoke knowing the only way Derek was going to begin to feel more secure was spending some time away from her.

And maybe it would be good for her too. As much as she wanted to cling to him every moment of every day, she knew it was time she took a step back and focussed on what had happened to her. She had almost died. And her mother had died. Meredith still didn't know how she felt about Ellis's sudden passing, but she did know how what she felt about her own almost sudden passing.

Terrified.

The incident with the bomb months before had scared her, but nothing in her past had ever left such a bitter taste in her mouth as her near drowning experience. She had almost lost the future she had been working so hard towards. There were still so many things she wanted to experience, so much more she had to say.

She stuffed another spoonful of cold strawberry goodness into her mouth, trying to convince herself it was a good thing Derek was gone for the day. It was good and healing for both of them.

The need to have him around at all times had gradually faded over the week, leaving Meredith only moderately uncomfortable being left to her own devices for the day; a low enough level that she could drown it in strawberry ice cream.

Normally on a day like this, when she was tired and alone in her house, she would pop one of her mother's many surgical tapes into the VCR and give herself a vicarious surgery high. But her mother's death the week before had turned her off the tapes for the time being, leaving her alone with day time television.

And day time television left much to be desired. She steered clear of soap operas because, seriously, she got enough drama in real life. Day time movies weren't fun without someone to make fun of them with. Talk shows were...talk shows. And she could only watch so many sitcom reruns before she wanted to kill herself.

A knock at the door pulled her from her boredom.

Meredith paused, her spoon half way to her mouth, considering who may be at the door. Derek had left as late as he possibly could that morning. George had been over before lunch to 'say hi,' which was code for 'checking up on her.' Cristina had called. Izzy had called twice. Derek had called and texted several times.

After stuffing her mouth full of ice cream, Meredith dropped her ice cream carton onto the coffee table and stood. Her exhaustion was still there, but getting better every day. And other than her ribs, there was no more pain.

A second, impatient, knock sounded against the door, causing Meredith to roll her eyes and mutter under her breath, "Heaven forbid you wait more than a freaking second for me to get to the freaking door..."

She swung open the door and rolled her eyes for the second time. "Ah, my afternoon check, right on schedule. Did Derek send you?"

Alex offered her a wry smile and stepped past her. "It wasn't just Shepherd. It was more of a combination thing. He and Yang get along really well when they agree about you."

Meredith snorted. "They didn't force you to come here, did they?"

He shrugged. "I signed up for it. I was the only one who got off this early."

She wanted to make another retort, but the look in his eyes stopped her. It was a look she had seen on all of her friends' faces in the past week; the one that made her feel sad and guilty. "I'm fine, Alex. Bored out of my mind, stuck watching day time television and existing off of ice cream, but fine." She turned a circle in front of him to emphasize her fineness.

"Yeah, that's crappy," he said with a chuckle. "But I brought you something."

She raised an eyebrow. "Really? What kind of something?"

He pulled a VHS tape from his shoulder bag. "A tape of the first hemispherectomy performed at Grace."

Meredith smiled. "I knew you were my friend for a reason."

"You got any food in this place?"

"Only ice cream and things that need to be put in the oven or mixed with other things..."

"So...pizza?"

She laughed and nodded. "Another reason you're my best friend today."

The pizza was quickly ordered. Alex helped himself to a beer from the fridge. Meredith returned to her position on the couch, and Alex sat himself down into the chair beside the couch.

"This is so much better than Dr. Phil," Meredith said ten minutes in.

Alex snorted and downed the rest of his beer. "I think that goes without saying. Do you want another drink?" He asked, standing.

"Water would be great."

"Exciting," he called over his shoulder as he headed back into the kitchen.

"Might I remind you that I'm still on more drugs than I can count?" She called after him. "Seriously, I can't even have grapefruit juice without worrying about something reacting."

Alex appeared back in the living room, tossing her a bottle of water before collapsing back onto the chair. "When are you coming back to work?"

She sighed. "Ask Bailey. And if she tells you, would you let me know?"

He laughed. "She still isn't talking?"

"Nope. I go back in two days for a check up. And then maybe she'll let me come back."

"That's crappy."

"Tell me about it. I'm bored out of my mind."

"At least you have people around."

"Yes, people on a very specific visiting schedule."

Alex chuckled. "About that. I wasn't supposed to tell you they made me come here."

She rolled her eyes. "Like they really thought I wouldn't know. Seriously. Do they think I have freaking brain damage?"

"You were under water for a very long time..."

She smacked him, although she was secretly pleased someone could joke about her accident.

"Just don't mention we discussed this."

"You scared of Derek?" She quipped.

Alex snorted. "Me? Scared of that pathetic excuse of a man?"

"Hey-"

"The man's whipped, Meredith. It's sad."

"No it's not."

"Maybe not to you."

She groaned. "Alex..."

He chuckled. "I'm not scared of your man, Mer. Izzy? Definitely. Cristina? Maybe a little. But not Shepherd. And definitely not O'Malley."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"Just don't tell them."

"Your secret is safe with me."

They fell into comfortable silence for several minutes as they watched the surgeon on the screen work diligently on the complicated procedure. Meredith sighed.

"I miss surgery."

"It's only been a week."

She glared at him. "You try staying out of the OR for a week."

He chuckled. "I don't have to."

She glared at him again. "I hate you."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "I thought I was your best friend today?"

"Whatever."

He was about to retort, but was cut off by the doorbell ringing. "That'll be the pizza," he said as he jumped up and went to answer the door. It was only a minute before he returned to the living room, pizza in hand.

"Smells good."

He nodded. "Too bad I'm not your best friend, and therefore don't have to share..."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Fine. You can be my best friend today. Just give me a slice of freaking pizza."

"Fine." He opened the box and turned in towards her.

Meredith quickly helped herself to a slice. "Mmm," she said moaned. "I love that you order good pizza. When Derek orders, he always gets vegetables and crap on it. And salad."

Alex made a face. "That's not good pizza."

"Exactly," she agreed, taking a large bite. "And you're not making me eat off a plate like Izzy would..." She took another bite and sighed. "I kind of love you today."

"Let's just keep it to best friends today, Mer. Love is messy, and is the only reason I would ever have to fear Shepherd."

She raised an eyebrow at his words, even if he said them jokingly. "Admitting to being afraid of Derek?"

"Of course not. I just have a healthy respect for him where you're involved. I was there the day he took down Sloan."

"That wasn't-"

"It so was."

Meredith huffed. "Whatever. You had your ass handed to you by George."

"I did not."

"I was there," she reminded him. "He took you down in one punch."

"It was a cheap shot. And I wasn't about to fight back and damage my hands."

"Say whatever you want..."

Alex huffed. "Keep that up and I won't let you have anymore pizza."

She giggled. "I'll be good."

"That's what I thought."

They fell into silence again, watching as the skilled surgeon on the screen performed the arduous task of separating the two hemispheres, and then slowly began to remove the left one.

"You want another water?" Alex asked, getting up.

She nodded, and called after him as he went into the kitchen, "You know, I could get used to this."

Alex reappeared. "That's what the whipped boyfriend is for."

"He is not whipped."

"He so is," he countered, handing her the water and twisting the cap off of his beer.

"If he were whipped, he'd let me eat pizza more."

"You obviously like your pizza."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Alex shrugged. "You ate more than me."

"I did not," she claimed, even though she knew it was true.

He raised an eyebrow, not having to say a thing.

"Fine. But it's only because I never get pizza. I have to take advantage when I can..."

Alex cracked a smile. "I'll stick up for you on the pizza issue."

"Thank-you. With Derek the health nut and Izzy the baked goods nut, I need more support. You're welcome here whenever you want."

"You must really love pizza."

She started slightly at his tone. "Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"You're one of my people, Alex. You're always welcome here."

He smirked as if to make a joke, but his expression morphed into a more serious one. And then he nodded, not saying anything.

Meredith smiled to herself as Alex avoided her eyes, focusing back onto the television screen. He reminded her a lot of herself- always had. He had a strong outer shell, but always came through when needed. And though they had never talked in detail about their pasts, they had a certain understanding. Neither of them had had it easy. And both of them needed a push from time to time.

"Where do you live?" She asked suddenly.

He turned back to her, one eyebrow raised. "Seattle."

She rolled her eyes. "Obviously."

Alex shrugged. "A couple miles from the hospital."

"How come I've never been there? Has anyone been there?"

He averted his eyes for a moment, and then returned them to hers, offering a second shrug. "I'm not exactly set up for entertaining."

His eyes and tone told her all she needed to know. Living in town was expensive. An intern salary was hard enough to live off before you factor in student loans. And she knew for a fact that Alex spent a lot of his free time at the hospital or at Joe's.

"You could live here," she suggested.

He looked surprised. "What?"

"George moved out. I have a free room. It's yours if you want it."

He hesitated. "I'd need time to save up for a deposit..."

She waved a hand. "I don't need one."

"I'm not a charity case."

"I didn't make George or Izzy pay one," she countered. "Rent's due the first of the month, and we split expenses."

"Shouldn't you ask Shepherd about this first?"

"It's my house."

"Still..."

"He'll be fine with it."

"Because the man is whipped."

Meredith giggled. "He is not."

"I guess I have to move in. There needs to be one real man living under this roof."

She rolled her eyes.

"And it's about time O'Malley's bedroom saw some action."

000

At promptly six o'clock, the front door opened and Derek's weary form quickly materialised in the front hall. His expression, one of tension and worry, relaxed at the sight of her.

"Hey, you're early," she called from the couch, struggling to stand against her blankets, a popcorn bowl and the pizza box.

"Don't get up," he said immediately, kicking off his shoes as he hurried towards her.

Meredith rolled her eyes as she leaned back against the arm of the couch. "You're only supposed to be leaving the hospital now."

He nodded absently as he sat beside her on the couch, his upper body turned to face hers. "I left early," he said dismissively.

"Derek..." She murmured.

He shook his head before leaning close to kiss her. "Did you have a good day?"

"It was okay. The morning was boring, but then Alex came over and we watched a hemi and ate pizza."

"Hmm," he responded, completely neutral, as if he didn't actually process her words. "And how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine."

"Any shortness of breath? Dizziness? Pain, apart from the ribs? Are you hot-"

"Derek," she snapped. "I'm fine. I feel fine. Tired and sore, but fine. Just like I was when you left this morning."

He sucked in a breath and nodded, his expression still dark. His eyes were clouded, and his forehead and tense and crinkled.

She sighed, hating that he looked so lost, and knowing that she was the reason for his anxiety. "I'm okay, Derek," she said, offering him a smile as she reached for his hand. "Being stuck at home sucks, but I'm doing the healing thing. Every day is better."

He nodded along to her words, his eyes tracking back and forth, and up and down as he took in every feature on her face.

"Okay, it's my turn. Are you okay? Because you don't look okay..."

"I'm fine."

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, and instead glared at him. "I don't believe that for a second."

"I just had a long day, Meredith."

She squeezed his hand. "Were you in surgery at all?" He hadn't had anything scheduled.

He scowled and shook his head. "Almost, but she coded in the ER."

"I'm sorry."

Derek nodded absently, still looking at her, but not quite meeting her eyes. "It was a car accident. Her husband was injured too, but he wouldn't let us see to him until we took care of her. And when we couldn't get her back, he just... He looked so broken."

Meredith leaned forward, hooking one arm around his neck to stabilise herself as she leaned close to kiss his cheek. And then she kissed his other cheek. And his nose. And his lips. And his jaw. She kissed him wherever she could get to. "I love you," she whispered when she felt his arm slide carefully around her middle, not quite holding her, but not quite not holding her either. "I love you and I'm not going anywhere."

He hummed softly and leaned his forehead into hers. "I missed you today. I hated being at the hospital without you."

"I hated it too," she whispered. "But it's good for us. We both need to get used to being apart again."

"Why?"

She rolled her eyes, her forehead still pressed to his. "Because we're adults. It's not healthy to use each other as security blankets."

Derek pulled back several inches, meeting her eyes. "It's not like that. I don't see what the problem is. You'll be coming back to work soon, and this will all be over."

Meredith sighed heavily, her heart going out to her hurting boyfriend. "Derek...just because I'll be at work...it doesn't mean this will all be over. It's going to take time before I'm back to normal, and-"

He cut her off with a desperate hiss. "But you'll be back at work, which will mean you're okay."

"I'm okay now, Derek. The time off is for me to get some energy back, and to give my ribs some time to start to heal."

"You shouldn't need to heal."

"Stop," she commanded. "Don't do the self blame thing again, Derek. Nothing that happened this week was your fault, other than the fact that I'm alive. You saved me."

His body deflated, leaving him hunched and haggard. "I just need things to go back to normal."

Meredith ran her hand up and down his arm several times, before clutching to his forearm. "We're going to get past this," she promised. "But it won't be overnight. And you know that. Remember how many times you told me it would take time for me to be comfortable in the whole relationship thing? This is like that. I'm comfortable now, Derek. I'm comfortable and happy and want all the sappy future things. But me getting to this point didn't happen overnight. I needed time. And right now, we need time to move on from this. But we will, Derek. Things will get better."

He still looked broken, but offered her a small smile. "When did you get so wise?"

Meredith returned his smile, raising an eyebrow. "It took time."

An almost-laughing breath escaped his lips. "I don't want it to take time."

"I don't think there's a quick fix."

"There should be," he countered, almost desperately.

"If there were, I'd be all for it. But right now all we can do is try and move on. You're going to go to work again tomorrow. And then I'll go in the day after and hopefully get the green light to come back too. And things will start to get back to normal."

He nodded, but avoided her eyes.

"What?"

"I told the Chief I wasn't going in tomorrow," he admitted, still avoiding her gaze.

"Derek-"

"I can't," he said, cutting her off. "I just can't, okay? I tried today. I really tried, but all I got was a dead patient and her broken husband. And all I could think about all day was you, and where I'd be right now if you hadn't come back. I don't know how I'd even manage to be breathing."

Meredith sniffed, and leaned into Derek's warmth, smiling gently as he snaked a careful arm around her back. "I'm sorry about your patient, Derek."

"Me too."

"But I came back."

"I know," he whispered, "But I can't stand the thought of being at the hospital and knowing that you're here all alone recovering."

"It's not a big deal."

"It is to me."

Tears welled in her eyes. "Derek..."

"I just can't stand the thought of being away from you right now, Mer. Please don't make me."

"Okay," she relented. He was dark and twisty and broken, and even though she knew it was necessary that he learn to be away from her again, she couldn't say no to him. Not now. "Maybe we can do something tomorrow," she suggested.

"Like what?"

She shrugged. "Go do touristy things. Make out at the top of the Space Needle. Go to the trailer. Watch the sun rise over the ferry boats."

"We haven't done that in a long time."

Meredith smiled to herself. Derek was still tense beside her, but he was breathing more normally. Hopefully she could keep calming him down. "We'll do something fun together. That will get our minds off of everything."

His chest hitched ever so slightly beside her, but his breathing evened out again. "Let's talk about something else," he half-suggested, half-demanded.

"I told Alex he could move into George's room. He was over and we were talking, and I realized that I have no idea where he lives. And then I kind of got the impression that he doesn't have much of a home, you know? I mean, he's always at the hospital or at Joe's."

"Mmm," Derek murmured absently.

She was losing him again. "Is it okay with you that I asked him to move in?" Meredith asked, continuing onward, hopeful that involving him would bring his mind back to her. "I didn't think it was a big deal, because he's not an extra person; he's just here now instead of George."

"It's fine."

He still sounded absent, so Meredith continued doing what she did best; ramble. "And my internship is over in a little more than a month, and we were going to move out together anyway when it's over. So, really, it'll be less than two months of living with Alex. And he's one of my people, so I couldn't not invite him, and-"

"Let's get married," Derek said suddenly, cutting Meredith off, and completely destroying he rambling train of thought.

"I...what?" She stammered, trying to process his words.

"Let's get married," he repeated. "Tomorrow. We can go to town hall. Or drive to Vegas. It's what we need, Meredith. It'll make everything better."

Meredith opened her mouth to respond, but no words came out. The words that had first seemed to come out of nowhere were developing aetiologies in her mind. This was where his mind had been when she had been rambling about Alex.

"Come on," he prompted. "We could leave now, drive to Vegas and get married first thing tomorrow morning. What do you say?"