12

Morning comes with a good dose of sunlight and a text from a new number in my phone. Maybe today was going to turn out great if this text wasnt the first thing I see today. It says -can we meet to plan Tsitsi's birthday party, Summer.

Okay so Tsitsi has a birthday. Her ex knows. I, the supposed girlfriend do not know. Why is sh e making it difficult to love her?

I drag myself out of my room, trying to ignore the details that I always take note of. Like how the wall seems brighter today. Or how the stain of my shirt makes out a shape of a horse. Tsitsi is cooking, obviously and dancing to Vybz Kartel.

Okay.

She is in a shorts that do nothing to hide her long legs.

Girl has legs for days I swear.

"Heyyy Qhawe!,"she exclaims, dropping a kiss on my temple. I sigh tiredly, signaling that I am not in a good mood.

She raises her eyebrows questioningly at me.

"Okay, I was going to tell you about Summer, "she says, resting her hip on the cupboard.

" We're you going to tell me about your birthday though?," I ask, arching my brow at her. She opens her mouth, closes it and turns away from me. I wait for her to day something, defend herself or whatever but she stays silent. What is this?

I wait until I realize she is not going to say anything.

"Tsi," I prompt her. She sighs dramatically, obviously annoyed with me but we have to address this. And we are going to. She can't keep shutting me out like that. And she owes me an apology for not telling me about Summer.

When did relationships become this complicated?

My relationship with Masimba wasn't.

Well, I can't call that a relationship though.

"I hate my birthday. And if that's all you want to talk about today you better leave me alone, "she responds flatly. It's so unlike her. And it is very difficult for me to deal with. I am supposed to be the wounded one, to be the one who speaks in such a sad, wounded voice. Not her. She is the light. The sunny one who cooks first thing in the morning, who sees nothing wrong with going clubbing on a Thursday night.

Which means she really really hates her birthday.

So I don't press.

I let her be. If Summer is planning birthdays she is going to have to do it by herself. I am out.

I sulk all the way to school. Tsitsi on the other hand doesn't even spare me a glance. She is not even going to be nice about this. Okay, what's the problem? Why am I even mad at her?

Okay I am mad at her because she didn't tell me about her birthday. Which is because she hates her birthday. And I get that. My life is not perfect after all. I even hate the thought of going home so I know everything there is to know about hating something. But should that stop me from doing something for her? Will she be mad if I get her a present. I could call the people at art attack and they would bring her all the art supplies she needs and help me set her studio by the corner of the living room.

That sounds great. She would definitely love that. I am suddenly excited and thinking of surprising Tsitsi on her birthday. Will that make her mad.

Well there is only one way of finding out.

I pull up at the car park at her faculty.

And awkward silence descends on us. I will be honest and say I didn't expect being in a relationship to be this difficult. New challenges everyday.

Should I apologise?

"I am sorry about...the birthday thing," I say finally. She looks up. My heart skips a beat. I will never ever get used to how beautiful she is I swear. And her makeup is on point too, she is good with stuff like that. She would say "I am good at shit like this"

I find myself smiling.

"I am sorry for responding the way I did. But you're still buying me waffles," her lips curve into a smiley I smile back and let her kids me. Let whoever is looking into people's cars see what they are looking for.

********

As I sit next to GreenHair, who I now know is called Tanaka, I inwardly smile at the idea for a birthday present that I am planning for Tsitsi. It will be a huge surprise, obviously the people from Art Attack will be more than willing to help, it is not like I am not paying for it after all. And a mini studio will be just the ideal present. So thoughtful, yes because I am taking my time. The only flaw in my plan though- will she like it. I mean of course she will like anything art but will she be okay with the fact that she told me she hates her birthday and I went on to do something for her all the same?

I just hope not.

I ask Tanaka when we are taking a break in between lectures.

"I wouldn't do it, because they said they don't want it," she shrugs as if it is that obvious, sharing her sandwich with me. I shrug, politely denying but she literally shoves it into my face and I have no option but to take it. So I take the sandwich.

"But you know sometimes people say they want to be alone but in truth they want someone to get closer, "I say, sinking my teeth into the sandwich and noting how good it is. I should have said yes and gotten more. Well, serves me right.

"It's not that deep Qhawe. Just let them be, we are all dealing with some shit, " Tanaka sits back, she doesn't even notice I am gaping at her. She just called me Qhawe. Only Tsitsi calls me that and it is odd when it comes out of Tanaka's mouth.

"Still trying to locate where the cat put your tongue, "she mocks, taking out a packet of cigarettes.

" You just called me Qhawe," it is more of an accusation when I say it like this and I think she finally catches on because she gives me a serious look. The. She purses her lips in that nonchalant way of hers. It seems like in Tanaka's world everything is either black or white. There are no complications. And I present a complication.

I think she finds me difficult to deal with, converse with or whatever.

"You my friend, are dramatic. And because of that I will keep calling you Qhawe, I am going for a smoke. And you are coming with me, Qhawe, " she pulls at my hand until I yield. Hand in hand we leave the lecture room, she with her colorful head and I with my wrapped head.

We go to the parking lot and sit on a concrete bench. I can tell Tanaka is expecting me to decline when she offers a cigarette and I surprise her by taking it. She states at me as she lights another one and I take the first pull, expecting me to start coughing or something.

Of course I don't.

I cannot even begin to imagine what my lungs must look like. I get the hives from even trying to think of it.

"What's their name?," she asks, blowing smoke into the air.

"What?," I was expecting a remark on how I smoke and all but of course it is Tanaka. The free spirit.

"The guy who calls you Qhawe," a ghost smile is playing on her lips. How did she figure it out. This girl is smarter than she lets on.

I decide to surprise her again.

"It's a girl," pull.

Her eyebrows rise, slightly that someone who isn't used to her wouldn't even noticed. But I do because I am always looking for confirmation that Tanaka is normal like the rest of us. She seems too ditached to be human, like she lives in her own flawless world.

"What's her name then?," There is no shock or judgment in her voice. Just curiosity. Oh my, have I just come out to my...only friend in campus. Besides Summer that is. And I am not sure if Summer is my friend. She and Tsitsi withheld the truth from me after all.

"Tsitsi," I tell her

"Beautiful name, too common though it's beginning to sound like a dumb name if you know what I mean, "she stomps out her cigarette with her shitkickers then she sits there staring into space.

I out out my cigarette too and fold my hands on my lap. It's quiet now, I wonder what Tanaka is thinking. She seems perfect, like the kind of a person who has always had a perfect little life. At the same time she gives survivor vibes, the kind of a girl who survived what no other girl would and knew what mattered in life more.

She always has her I. D around her neck, I wonder if she is free from the imaginations I get of my I. D turning into the noose I will hang myself from one day.

After a while she sighs, like something is weighing heavy on her chest

"You know what people's problem is when it comes to homosexuality?, "She asks, but I know it isn't a question. Or at least it is not directed at me. I am right because she goes on without waiting for my response "People think it's just about sex. They hear of homosexuality they don't imagine roses and picnics, their mind go straight to same-sex intimacy, "she finishes off. I don't have time to digest what she has just said. It has been said with an air of wisdom I am tempted to agree even though I haven't really thought about it. And I need to think about it before I agree with her. "Now come, we will plan your girl's birthday present together, even though she doesn't want it, "with that she takes my hand and leads me back to the lecture room.

"That bitch finally told you the date?," Tanaka asks, taking a millionth selfie that I am sure will be captioned 'serving car selfies' when she posts it. And she just called Summer a bitch.

"There's nothing bitchy about her," it was supposed to be a retort. But I still have to work on how I control my voice. It came out very soft and cool, nothing threatening about it.

"Come on, bitch. Calling her that means I have accepted her as my friend," she says, folding her legs beneath her.

" You haven't even met her yet!, "I exclaim. Okay, I know I am desperate but maybe Tanaka isn't the person I should have dragged along to this. And I am trying to get there before we are late

"Whatever, when is the birthday happening?,"

"Tomorrow," I sign. Leave it to Summer to tell me about my girlfriend's birthday a day before it happens and then bailing out on me. Apparently she doesn't want to do anything that will piss Tsitsi off. So I am supposed to plan this in a few hours and I am going home on Sunday!

Why does my life have to be like this.

"Bitch, you're screwed," Tanaka sighs, voicing out my fears. If the Art Attack crew doesn't say yes to my proposal I will have to find another art shop and there is no time for that.

I tighten my fingers around the wheel.

Why is Avondale shops turning out to be so far away?!

"Stop calling me that!" I grit between my teeth.

"Come on Qhawe, friends call each other that. Close friends to be precise. You live under a rock?, "she sits back in her seat.

I happen to have no friends. But I don't tell her that. I keep driving, my eyes straight ahead. My phone rings, I don't even check caller's ID, I just swipe across it and put it on my ear, pulling up in front of the art shop.

"Hello," I say into the phone.

"Bitch!," definitely KT

So it's true friends call each other bitch.

Eh!

********

"Yesterday you disappeared on me!," Tsitsi complains, pouting. My heart skips a beat, does she know? She can't know. I finally had to rope Summer into this whole surprise business because I needed someone else besides Tanaka to help me out. The thought of KT has crossed my mind a million times but I don't think Tsitsi would like the attention. And those boys are extra.

"I am sorry, ended up chatting with KT. "

" My feelings are hurt, "

"I don't care," is all I say. A meesage comes in from Summer. She is going to call Tsitsi now. So I text the crew and tell them to come now.

Another text comes from Summer- this better not blow up in your face.

I sigh heavily.

She and Tanaka deserve each other. Why do they always feel the need to voice out my fears. Maybe I should listen and not give Tsitsi this present after all. She said she hates her birthday. I can give it to her some other day, no worries.

But I have already made the payments.

I can cancel, can't I?

No I dont think I can actually. I cannot cancel.

"You are okay babylove?," Tsitsi asks and I force myself to smile before shoving another mouthful of cereal into my mouth. Tsitsi's phone rings and my heartbeat goes straight through the roof. I cannot control myself I am sure I look guilty.

"Summer! You are okay?! Hang on.... I..," she is already running to the living room. I follow behind her, hoping I look innocent and I am not giving anything away. Not that she is paying attention to me anyway. She isn't. "I am borrowing your car," she says, taking the keys from the table.

I gulp, glued to my spot.

Yes, I know Summer is lying and it's all our plan. But to know that your girlfriend jumps and forgets about you the second her ex calls her is not something I can so easily accept.

Is she still in love with her?

What am I to her anyway. Definitely not what Summer is to her. I throw myself on the sofa and stare at the beautiful chandelier.

I imagine it falling to the ground, leaving a sad circle on the ceiling that looks more like a wreath.

I am disturbed by a knock on the door.

An hour later the right far corner of the living room has successfully been turned into a studio with everything in place. I have to give it to them, the art crew went all out.

I am now on my own, checking how comfortable the chair is. Is the easel steady enough, we dont want it to shake while she is working. Are the paint tubes enough, I mean I bought all the colors from the art shop.

The canvases...I think everything is in place.

Maybe I should have bought a cake.

No, that would turn this whole thing into some sort of a celebration. And I don't want it to look like that. She plainly told me sge hates her birthday. It's not like there's something too special about mine either. My parents always go out but it feels lonelier than anything else.

I touch everything, the sketchbooks, the brushes you name it.

She is going to love it.

I will get someone to engrave her name on the back of the chair. And maybe we can get a pet to make this apartment much more lively.

Finally the door opens.

"Summer was just being dramatic, she is totally fine now and," she raises her head and sees the living room studio or whatever this is. She has a stupefied look on her that's slowly turning into anger if I am not imagining things.

You can hear a pin drop in this silence. Her eyes are on me, not her birthday present and just like that I know it was a bad idea.

Summer appears behind her, stealthily like Tsitsi is going to bite. Our eyes meet and we communicate silently.

I messed up.

"I can return it...," I say weakly. We are talking about a whole studio that I paid for for it to get set up. We are talking about dollars and dollars of art supplies. But I think I can take it.

What I can't take is the look on her face.

"I thought I told you, I hate my birthday..," her voice is laced with accusation.

" I just thought, for the first time...we could...,"I can't really find my voice. My words are stuck in my throat. Why did I have to be stubborn!

"What, a few kisses and you want to fix me!," Her voice has risen a notch. I see Summer blinking rapidly. Can she help me out? Oh yeah, I know. She won't. Because I brought this on myself. "The fuck! So you come into my life and everything is going to be roses? Why can't you respect boundaries. You know what that is, I hope, " she throws one angry look at me and stomps off to her room, slamming the door behind her. i am left in a staring competition with Summer. She staggers forward as Tari enters the room, with a cake in her hands.

"She flew off the handle?," That's Tari