Three and a Half Men

Malibu, California.

I had been surfing for a few hours now, the last wave of the night was great, I walked back to my brother's house and noticed someone outside the deck.

"Hey Rose, still stalking Charlie?" I said.

"Hi Johnny, yes I'm sure he'll realize he loves me" she said.

It's been a few days since she slept with Charlie and started chasing him, the first few days I was scared, but the most she does is glue the cabinets and lick the silverware.

"Okay then, good night Rose" I said.

"good night Johnny" she said.

Arriving at the top of the deck, I find the lights on strangely, since charlie should probably have someone up there.

Getting close to the door I hear a familiar voice.

"im a good husband, i-im faithful"

"is she?" I hear Charlie say.

I enter the house and see my other brother alan.

"Oh Alan, what's up?" I ask.

"his wife cheated on him" says Charlie.

"Oh im sorry buddy, you'll get over it, she was never good for you" I say.

"OK, first of all, she didn't cheat on me, second of all what are you doing here Johnny? You haven't visited us for 4 years," says Alan.

"Yeah, Judith don't want me visiting anymore, I tough she told you that" I say.

"There seem to be a lot of things she doesn't say to him" Charlie says.

"Stop it, judith didn't cheat on me, she doesn't even like sex" Alan says.

She likes sex, just not with you, we kinda lost control while drinking on jake's birthday party and i can assure you she likes sex, but it doesn't matter, she forbade me to visit after that, although I am pretty sure it was because I taught Jake to make explosives.

In my defense I was drunker than she was, she could have easily turned me down, and it was only once so it doesn't matter.

"And Jake, this could destroy Jake" Alan says.

"Oh, how is he? Does he still remember the things I taught him?" I ask.

"So you were the one who taught those things to? That's why judith banned you from visiting, more importantly how the hell did you make him keep it all, the kid can't do 5 times 5 but he knows how to make explosives using batteries" Alan says.

"it's a gift" I say.

"Don't worry Alan, Teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days" says Charlie.

"he's 10" Says Alan.

"wait, did you teach a 6 year old to make explosives?" asked Charlie.

"what? I did worse things at that age," I say.

"thats true" both of them say.

A woman came down the stairs and said.

"Charlie, im going to g- oh hey Johnny, its been some time since i saw you" says Laura.

"oh hey Laura, yeah feel free to pass by at my home, you know i live two houses from here" i say.

"thats what i though, how do you know Charlie?" she says.

"he's my brother, what a small world" i say.

"yeah anyway i got to go, bye Charlie, bye Johnny" she says and leaves.

Charlie looks at Alan with an angry look on his face and Alan says

"Look, okay, this is just until things settle out. A couple of days max. She will come to her senses".

Dumbass

"Yes, that what women do, look you can have the guest room, I'll grab some sheets" Charlie says.

"That's okay. I brought my own" Alan says.

"Were you kicked out of the house and brought your sheets?" I ask.

"I like my sheets" he says.

"Ok then" i say and i lay down on the couch to sleep.

"Good night Charlie, Good night Alan" i say.

"Wait, why are you sleeping here, I thought you lived two houses from here?" Alan says.

"Yeah, but its a big house and i feel lonely, judith forbade me from visiting you guys and visiting mom isn't exactly a solution, so i spend a lot of my time here" i say.

"I see, have you ever thought about getting married?" Alan asks.

"Nah, i lot of people would die if i get married, don't ask why" i say and close my eyes to sleep.

"Okay, then, good night" Charlie says.

"No, wait. I mean, we hardly ever talk to each other" Alan says.

"What do you want to talk about, Alan?" asked Charlie.

"I don't know. I was named Chiropractor of the Year by the San Fernando Valley Chiropractic Association," said alan.

"Okay, then. Good night" says Charlie.

"At the. Charlie, what about you? What's going on with you?" asks Alan.

"Well, Alan, there's not much to say. I make a lot of money for doing very little work. I sleep with beautiful women who don't ask about my feelings. I drive a Jag, I live at the beach, and sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all, I like to make a big pitcher of margaritas for me and Johnny and then we take a nap out on the sundeck" Charlie says.

"best part of my day, thank you Charlie" I mutter.

"you're welcome" Charlie says.

"huh" Alan says.

"Okay, then. Good night, Charlie" alan says. "Good night" Charlie says. "Good night" i say.

"good night monkey man" Rose says.

"im trying to sleep Rose" i say.

"Sorry" she says and i feel asleep.