Shackled to the Past

No, you're not haunting my life, I'm just reluctant to let go of some good memories with you.

-Lee Taari.

***

Night came as soon as I winked. The occasional breeze against my face, turning my glance to the moon was becoming a habit. It feels really shitty.

"Miss? You don't eat breakfast much, and only have instant noodles at night. How long will this last?"

Ignore it, I'm too lazy to give a reply for the obvious answer to that question. What's so wrong if I don't eat one day, like I'm gonna die, huh? There's no way, anyways, if I really do die, maybe Saka will forgive any of my mistakes that survived until now.

"Miss Rista?" auntie called again.

I turned my head this time. Staring at Ms. Minah in anger, but for only a moment because I couldn't bear to see her who was still nice to half-sane girls like me.

"Did you have no intention of quitting this job?" I worried.

But Ms. Minah simply replied with laughter. "Enough, let's eat. Don't think too much, it's not good for your healthy, Miss," she snarled.

He's such a bloody, though I really don't want to eat. I'm alright if I die, just let it. Why does she, who is nobody cares about me? My eyes glanced at Ms. Minah, her warm smile making my lips curl upwards.

The look in her eyes that always looked worried at me, she was also always there when I woke up in the middle of the night. Never forgot me even though her kids forbid her to come here. Is she an angel? I don't think anyone would have stayed with me for such a long time. Ah, even her salary could be not many.

Truly, my cheeks wet again to imagine the ruby of Ms. Minah's fate.

"I'm not a good person. I'm just a bad girl, so when there's a chance to go, your foot shouldn't step back in this house. It's frustrating to see someone get hurt," I said.

I got silenced as Ms. Minah sat on the bench and wiped away my tears that had scarcely begun to blur my eyes. I chuckled, I took her hand and hugged this fake mother.

Yeah, she's not my mama. So, fake mother, right? It was only about time before she actually decided to go. It's so stuffy in my heart.

"If ever a bad boy should be looked after. If I leave now, you will only escalate, honest is the most important thing as happened just now. No need to cry because of my plight, it's not much more complicated than yours!" she teased.

I knew she was teasing me to keep my big smile. Unfortunately, she didn't realize that even her smile was rarely seen.

"You shouldn't do good if there's nothing in return," I mumbled in her arms.

Under the bright moon this night, we embraced. Once in a while, I suck as she feds me. Or sizzling from the late-night air.

Ms. Minah was pushy, it's just reluctant to let me go along with her.

"I can't Miss, I give up!" She said on the clock it might be eleven at night.

My glance fell at her, then I laugh. "That's why you should not join me staying up, just now you resist when I ask you to go inside. Just go in, I'll eat when I'm hungry. Anyway, it's a red date tomorrow, right? I'm going to sleep at least two hours later," I told her.

I don't know, my manners have been washed away by the wind maybe. I'm being really rude right now. But this kind of attitude makes me feel comfortable.

"Okay then, I will go inside, may I? Take care out here, don't forget to sleep and eat if you want," she replied.

Stared at Ms. Minah slipping away, then returned to the moon. Slowly the rays disappeared and then the stars emerged. The mango tree growing in front of my eyes was looks so scary. But it doesn't make me feel scared or anything, because honestly, I've seen Saka waving his hands since then.

He's quiet, isn't it strange?

His voice would normally echo. But since Ms. Minah had arrived until now the woman had gone inside there, I had never heard his voice.

"Miss me?" he asked with a tingle.

I smiled warmly. "Yeah, so much that I want to go to the next world," I joked.

"It's not good, how can I eat mangoes in the next world? In this world, I just need to climb up and get scolded by my mom. Was it funny in middle school? But I feel strange, Ta."

Watching him stop talking, I got goosebumps. What is it this time? In what way will his illusion make me crazy?

"You have aged, and you have grown taller, don't you? Look, I just stayed this way."

"Ah, because I'm dead and you're alive, right?"

Take off the slippers, I throw them at him. Instead of hitting Saka, it went through and bounced because of the mango tree. Lazily picking it up, I'd rather bang my back against the edge of the bench. Weary as hell, yet this is my life.

Let me tell you a little bit about him.

Her name is Saka, the kid with black sweet skin. His smile was tempting, the way he laughed up to his eyes when he smiled. And don't forget about his talent for playing volleyball. We were only three months apart, of course, I was older.

Saw a is cute, I admit it a lot. With a funny destiny, he just suddenly became my friend.

Middle school wasn't that easy, especially in the eighth grade when the urge to try everything started to pop up. Maybe it was just a crush when I was with him, even for a moment but it felt good.

In ninth grade, he started to be different. I thought why apparently he's getting close to other girls. He was selfish, wouldn't let go of my hand or the girls. We fought, I was furious.

I can't believe that fight became our last meeting. Because of his stupidity that wouldn't grab a hand, an accident happened inevitably. I wasn't wrong, I should have if my relationship between me and him had been alright.

But the reality ... wasn't.

"You the one who approaching, you also who are left, and yet I have to endure the pain of being left alone while holding my soul in check," I murmured.

The laughter of Saka reechoes. "You let go of my hand, the wrong is you!" he retorted.

I have no intention to answer. It's just, is it too selfish if I want to be completely healed?

"I am lazy to serve your crazy behavior. But why is it that when I start to find a way to laugh you come all of a sudden?"

The wind that blows can't answer the question I'm asking him. Clenched my hands tightly was one way of restraining myself that would go back crazy.

I want to get healed!

"It's not fair if you're happy when I die, hahaha!"

In my mind, there was no Saka in the first place. He's gone from the real world. But why did my mind always annoy me?

Actually, what am I expecting from him?

To be continued