Chapter 4: Morris Camp ll

Her eyes narrowed, gauging my sincerity on that. "I knew you couldn't avoid me 24/7. Honestly, I thought I'd have to work my way in a little more, wear you down a bit. I thought I'd have to fend off more than a few evasion tactics before finally getting you to agree to talk to me, and it took me completely by surprise when YOU asked to talk to me today."

I shrugged. "Magic camp working wonders on your behalf."

"Don't mock the camp. This shit is serious."

I rubbed my forehead and sighed. "Fine."

Dawn paced around for a moment, staring out at the valley again before circling back to me and sitting down on the bench by my side. Taking my hand in hers, she brought it to her leg and covered the back of it with her other hand as well, squeezing me between her palms. "I'm not here to fuck things up for you, alright? You're graduated, working a new job, living in a new apartment, and learning how to be a dad. You're happier than I've ever seen you, and that includes the time when you were with me. I'm happy for you, okay? I don't want to ruin that for you."

"But..."

She sighed, squeezed my hand again, and looked me straight in the eyes. Her sky blue irises glistened with moisture, both from her recent crying and the threat of new tears. "Is there room for me in this perfect life of yours? Is there somewhere I can fit in again? I'm not trying to displace your girlfriends. I'm not asking to share your bed. I just..." The tears did start coming again. And her lower lip quivered as she fought to keep from falling apart.

I didn't soothe her. I didn't do a damn thing to reassure her, actually. I just sat there impassively, let her fight to maintain composure, and waited her out. If she broke down crying again, I rather doubt I would have reacted much.

But she didn't break down. She caught her breath, blinked away the tears, and stared into my eyes again. Taking one more deep, calming breath, she squeezed my hand again and said quietly, "It hurts, you know? It hurts like hell to know you're so close by and yet so far away. I focus on my schoolwork, one of the few things over which I feel like I have some control. I focus on Brooke and DJ. I talk to my mom every chance I get. She tells me to be patient, to let you get past this ... whatever ... in your own time and trust that you'll come back to me eventually. But it hurts every time that I see you, try to talk to you, and have you turn me away. And it hurts every time I don't see you, every time I WANT my best friend back, but know that you're not around anymore and know that it's almost entirely my fault."

"I'm not gonna rehash the past with you."

"I know, I know," she whimpered. "It just hurts to see how happy you are with your girlfriends and realize that I'm not one of them. Every time I look at little BJ, I can't help but wonder what our son might have looked like. I know I can't change the past, can't undo the things I've done. The old Dawn you used to love isn't here anymore. But I wish you could at least meet the new Dawn, get to know her, and maybe ... just maybe..." Her voice trailed off again.

I didn't want to be sitting next to her anymore. The same conflicting emotions I felt every OTHER time Dawn tried to talk to me came right up to the surface, and almost automatically I found myself coming up with some excuse for why I didn't have time to talk to her right now. At the same time, I slowly but firmly withdrew my hand out from between hers.

Dawn sobbed as I took my hand away. She reached for it again but caught herself before touching it, and instead wrapped her arms around her torso before looking at me through tear-stained eyes. In a plaintive, pleading voice, she whimpered, "Please, Ben ... please ... I never wanted it to come to this, but I'm begging you. Begging you ... Please? Can we please start again?"

Riotous images and videos flashed into my brain. Memories of taking Dawn's virginity on her bunk. Quiet moments just ... talking ... in our special clearing. Kneeling on the floor in our Berkeley house bedroom after she cheated on me and walked away. Memories of sharing Dawn AND Adrienne together, and memories of Dawn quietly telling me that she was NOT okay with me being with Adrienne forever, that she still wanted me to be HERS.

I started seeing things that did NOT come from memory, visions of the possible future with Dawn joining my girls in bed. I imagined fucking Sasha while Dawn stroked my back and played with my balls. I imagined Dawn slurping the creampie out of Adrienne's ass. And I imagined making love to Dawn face-to-face while Kim and Brandi cheered me on.

I imagined Dawn cradling a baby... our baby ... breastfeeding him while gliding back and forth in a comfortable chair. And I imagined Adrienne giving me a sad look, a suitcase in one hand and Sasha's hand in her other as the two of them walked out the door.

She'd never do it on purpose. At least, I believed Dawn when she said she'd never try to fuck up my perfect little family. Thing is, she wouldn't have to.

Dawn could never be "just Dawn". Dawn could only be "MY Dawn". And a Dawn by my side would be a force of nature, a hurricane with 100-mile-an-hour winds that affected everything in its path. It wasn't the hurricane's fault. The damn thing didn't wreck shit on purpose. It just did, because that was its nature.

If Dawn re-entered my life, shit would get wrecked. Lives would be changed. Relationships would fall. Dayna could be added to the mix without damaging my relationships with Adrienne, Sasha, and Kim. Brandi could join in and nobody would even bat an eyelash. But Dawn? Again, not her fault. She wouldn't be trying to mess things up.

But she was ... Dawn. That's just how things worked.

I was living a PERFECT life without her in it.

And I was TERRIFIED of what might happen if she came back in.

But what if you're still meant to be with her? What if this so-called 'perfect' life still pales in comparison to what your life COULD be with her IN it?

What if it isn't? What if THIS is as good as it gets? And if I let her back in then it's all downhill from there? Let's face it, I've had some high highs but I've had some fucking shitty lows with Dawn acting as the moon pulling the gravitational tides up and down creating Atlantis-level tsunamis that wipe out entire continental civilizations left and right.

She's not fucking Godzilla.

Maybe she is.

Okay now we're REALLY starting to lose it. Hurricane, Tidal Moon, Godzilla: Can we stop mixing metaphors and get down to the point?

The point is that I'm not ready for her. The point is that I can't handle it.

So you have your answer then.

Apparently I do.

Even if it means crushing her little heart.

Fair's fair. She certainly broke mine.

Ooh, that's harsh.

But it's true.

Blinking slowly, I came back to the real world and stood up. Still whimpering, Dawn blinked away fresh tears and looked up at me, that pleading expression still on her face.

"Please ... you promised..." she cried. "Let us start again."

Slowly, I shook my head. "I'm sorry. But the answer is 'no'."

Dawn had stared at me for a long while before leaving, a world of pain in her tear-strewn eyes. 'No' wasn't the response she was looking for, obviously, but I couldn't tell whether she felt sadness for my rejection, anger for it, or pity for me. Maybe all three. Neither of us said anything, waiting for the other to make the first move. But when I took a step forward and opened my mouth to repeat my apology, she held a hand up, palm out, and then turned to walk away.

I sat down on the bench, gathering my bearings and trying to collect my thoughts. I watched her head back down the trail until she was out of sight, and only then did I get up to leave the Balcony area as well.

But I didn't head back to camp. When I came to a fork in the road, instead of turning right I went left and followed the trail as it wound along the ridge line. I wasn't worried about getting lost; coming here year after year since childhood with the freedom to go where I pleased as long as I got back by mealtime, I knew I could find my way back. So I simply kept walking, picking new trails and new directions by mere whim as I came upon each intersection. A few times I found myself at dead ends, forced to backtrack before regaining a through pathway that would lead me somewhere new.

I tried not to parallel my present physical journey with my metaphorical journey of life. But of course, the moment I thought about such a parallel I couldn't help but think of all the choices I'd made to lead me down one avenue or another, only to have that road closed off to me, forcing me to backtrack and start over.

The short distance but pleasant little cliff walk to a breathtakingly beautiful valley view? Yeah, that was my engagement/pregnancy with DJ.

The long, winding trail through the woods that took some bumpy navigation over fallen logs and through overgrown thickets before it met up again with the main road? That was my relationship with Adrienne.

The glaringly obvious turn that at first glance looked like it was the right direction only to literally dead end at a sheer rock wall? Made me think of Cadence.

The dark, foreboding cave that looked like it could collapse any minute and bury me beneath several hundred tons of heavy, painful rock? Carter's house and everyone who had died because of it.

And now that I stopped to think about where I was, and how the scenery around me was looking less and less familiar, I started to think about how most every time I came to a fork in the road with a choice of heading back towards the Morris Camp main grounds or further and further away, I kept choosing to go further away.

Just like you keep running away from Dawn.

So what? Short little trails off the main road represent relationships with different girlfriends, but this entire afternoon walkabout represents my relationship with Dawn?

What, you're asking me? I'm you. What do YOU think?

I think I've been walking out here for too long and the sun is starting to get to me.

Well you ARE talking to yourself again.

I think I don't really want to consider the idea that Morris Camp itself is Dawn, and that if I keep walking out here in the sticks, further and further away, I'm just gonna end up thirsty, hungry, lost, and alone. And only by eventually finding my way back to the camp main areas – and by allegory, back to Her – will I find my way home.

Um, you said it. Not me.

I thought you ARE me.

I think the sun is really getting to you.

I stopped walking, looked up, and realized that I really DIDN'T know where I was anymore. Nothing around me looked familiar, and as far as I could tell, I'd never been this far away from camp.

Don't overthink this part. You're hot, sweaty, and dehydrated. You haven't had anything to eat or drink for hours, and if you don't turn around and get back to camp you're going to be in serious physical danger.

But if I go back there, I'm admitting I want to go back to Dawn.

I just TOLD you not to overthink this. Get your metaphorical head out of your allegorical ASS and find drinkable water!

Fine, fine. I'm turning around, I'm turning around. But it doesn't mean I want to get back together with Dawn.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Was that a real "uh-huh" or a sarcastic "uh-huh"?

I don't know. You tell me.

I don't know either.

Well then walking out to the middle of nowhere and getting heat stroke hasn't done you any good now, has it?

I guess not.

I really WAS as far away from camp as I'd ever been, because it took more than an hour to find my way back. I knew I'd been walking west, following the river valley, so it was a simple matter of always keeping the sun to my back and never straying too far away from the river to make sure I wouldn't get lost.

By the time I got back, I found that people were leaving dinner at the Main Lodge. And as my stomach growled to remind me that it hadn't been fed in some five-odd hours, I figured I should get inside and grab a "to go" plate before they cleared everything away.

When I walked into the dining hall, I realized that not everyone had left. Our family's usual table was still occupied, and it was Sasha who saw me first. Her abruptly sitting up straight and looking past Kim's shoulder got Kim to turn around and look at me as well. But Adrienne was the first to bolt from the table, march straight up to me, and give me a healthy shove in the chest.

"You fucking bastard!" Adrienne squawked as her two-handed shove rocked me back a step. "Where the FUCK have you been?!?"

Blinking in surprise at her vehemence, I darted my eyes around the dozens of people within earshot staring at the pissed-off supermodel, many of them little kids, and replied with raised eyebrows, "Language. This is a family camp."

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Adrienne wheezed as she snatched my wrist in her hand and promptly started dragging me from the dining hall.

My stomach grumbled again, and my throat was super-dry, so I called over my shoulder, "Sasha? Get me a plate of something? And a water bottle?" Bemused, Sasha nodded as she and Kim started packing up. I hoped they were already done with their meals. Then I reached down to pry Adrienne's claw off my wrist, saying, "I'm coming, I'm coming."

Shooting me a dirty look, Adrienne let go of me and fast-walked out of the dining hall and toward the cabins. But despite my assurance that I was coming, I stopped in my tracks and raised a hand. "Wait up. Let's go help the others. I promise I'll explain everything when we get to the cabin."

Steam coming out of her ears, eyes wide, and with nostrils flaring like a ring bull ready to charge, Adrienne glared at me with hellfire fury. But I raised my eyebrows at her and gave her a pointed look, and she turned her face to the side to sigh while wrinkling her nose as if "waiting" was the most distasteful smell imaginable. She didn't come back to me, but neither did she continue toward the cabins. Instead she remained rooted to her spot like a massive boulder in the middle of the raging Klamath River, forcing people to go around her as they exited the building.

Adrienne was still there when I returned with Sasha and Kim, with little BJ perched on my shoulders for a ride back to the cabin. The fury in my girlfriend's eyes began to fade as she looked up from my face to the adorable chubby-cheeked face of my mini-me, and with an eye-roll she turned up the trail and sighed, "You're cheating. You know I can't stay mad in front of BJ."

"Yes I am," I replied breezily. "And yes I do."

Adrienne had calmed down by the time we got back to the cabin, although she loudly complained about the lack of cell phone service up here that would have at least allowed me to text and say that I was alive and hadn't been eaten by a bear or anything. For the first two hours or so, the group of them had gone about a pleasant afternoon enjoying the camp not really dwelling on my impromptu conversation with Dawn. But after those first two hours, they each began to wonder aloud what the two of us were up to for so long, debating various theories, with Dayna putting forth the notion that Dawn and I had started fucking in our special clearing.

"Tell me you didn't fuck her," Adrienne growled the instant we got into the cabin, her eyes mere slits.

Rolling my eyes, I replied immediately and plainly, "I didn't fuck her."

That seemed to mollify her just a bit. I took the opportunity to grab a water bottle and chug its entire contents.

Around 4pm, Dayna and Brandi had decided to go looking for me and Dawn, and they hadn't returned yet at all. Twenty minutes after they'd left, Adrienne had started to worry about bears and trail erosion leading to steep cliffs and various other disasters. Sasha had reassured her that all four of "The Missing" had grown up in this place and were perfectly comfortable in these surroundings. But when no one came back by dinnertime, Adrienne started to freak out. She'd made it through the meal in one piece, but her outburst at my eventual arrival was pretty much expected.

"I'm fine," I reassured her. "Just needed to think."

"About what?" she asked impatiently.

"I'll tell you everything," I promised. And I did.

The words coming out of my mouth would have only taken six minutes to verbalize, had I been allowed to do so in a constant stream. But it took more than an hour to actually explain what I could remember of the conversation, what with the girls frequently interrupting and all, me having to repeat things I'd already said using different words to try and re-clarify, and doing a little bit of damage control here and there when one girlfriend or another didn't like something I'd said either to Dawn or to them. Plus, there were ten minutes when BJ got cranky after a long, busy day and I wanted to take a break to put him to bed.

I did my best to explain everything I could remember. Of course, they all wanted me to recount the entire conversation verbatim, but my photographic memory was pretty much limited to textbooks and anything else I needed to read on a printed page. Plus, the static noise of conflicting emotions fuzzed my recollection of certain things that were said, leaving me unsure of who said what sometimes, and whether or not the things I thought were said had actually been said or were perhaps the result of my internal conversations with myself.

And of course, my perspective on the whole event had certainly been altered by the past several hours' worth of introspection, reflection, and self-recrimination – not to mention flirting with heat stroke. By now I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and it took all my energy just to try and live up to the promise of telling them everything.

Sasha was the one who finally sighed and concluded, "She's not the same Dawn anymore but you miss the old Dawn and you're afraid that if you take the time to get to know the new Dawn you either won't like her or will find her so much like the old Dawn that you'll like her a little too much given that you already have three girlfriends and a baby mama depending on you: That about sum it up?"

I blinked and stared at her through weary eyes for a minute, working all that out in my head. "Yeah, pretty much."

"So for the past year or so you've been trying to ignore her and hope the whole thing goes away?"

I scowled, but it was the same realization I'd already come to myself, so I sighed and repeated, "Yeah, pretty much."

"You know you can't do that anymore," Sasha warned.

Sighing again, I nodded. "Yeah, I know."

Sasha leaned back in her chair, shrugged, and asked, "So what are you going to do about her?"

I took a deep breath and sat up straight myself. Filling my lungs with oxygen, I rolled my shoulders back and stretched my arms straight, right down to my fingertips. Already I felt fresh energy flowing through me, and pausing to look each of the three women around me in the eyes, I stated, "I have some ideas, but I want to know what you all think before I make any decisions. You're all important to me. You're my girlfriends ... and my 'Kim'," I added before she could protest. "That gives you the right to have input into the way I interact with an outside woman, especially one who we all KNOW could potentially threaten our relationships."

"Dayna's a girlfriend, too. She's not here," Kim pointed out.

"She'll tell me what she wants," I replied.

"Maybe better that she's not here," Adrienne muttered. "She'd be very pro-Dawn."

Sasha blinked. "Which would offset the anti-Dawn argument you're about to make?"

"I'm not anti-Dawn," Adrienne insisted. "I'm just ... just..."

"Anti-Dawn?" Sasha finished with a smile.

"Ben just said two seconds ago that she could potentially threaten our relationships. We all know it's true. He's Ben. She's Dawn. They either go together like oil and water or like ... like..."

"Like water and water," Kim finished. "In perfect harmony, one homogenous soul existing in paired physical bodies that instantly bond together when brought into contact."

Adrienne made a face. "Exactly."

"We don't have any right to take that away from him," Kim added with a pointed look.

"I'm not suggesting that we take that away from him."

"Then what are you suggesting?"

"I'm not suggesting anything. I'm just saying that ... that..."

"That you'd prefer it if things remained the way they are," Sasha finished for her.

"Will you two stop doing that?!" Adrienne groaned, exasperated. "I'm fully capable of finishing my own sentences."

"I think it's fair to say we're all pretty happy with the way things are," Sasha continued, looking back at Kim for confirmation before addressing me. "I know we're all hesitant to use the word 'perfect', but things are pretty perfect as they are."

"And she's gonna muck it all up," Adrienne moaned.

"You don't know that," Sasha soothed. "Everything changes. Nothing ever stays status quo."

I met Sasha's eyes for a moment, a smile on my lips. "Viktoriya."

She smiled back at me. "You already know you can't ignore her. Dawn's going to re-enter your life; it's not a matter of 'if', but 'when'. And the 'when' would appear to be these next couple of weeks here at camp."

"I wish she hadn't come," Adrienne muttered.

"Don't pout." Sasha reached over and caressed Adrienne's thigh. Adrienne replied by exaggerating her pout, which made Sasha smile and raise her hand to tenderly caress the blonde's cheek, which made Adrienne smile.

"Still," Adrienne sighed, placing her hand on top of Sasha's and keeping it against her cheek for an extra few beats before turning back to face me. "If we're having a vote, I vote 'Ben stays as far away from Dawn as possible'."

"It's not a vote," I said.

Sasha arched an eyebrow at the blonde. "Didn't you just say you're not 'anti-Dawn'?"

Adrienne shrugged. "I'm not being 'anti-Dawn'; I'm being 'anti-ex-girlfriend'. Aren't current girlfriends around the world allowed to tell their boyfriends that he can't hang out with his ex?"

Sasha's eyebrow inched a little higher. "So what, -I- should've told Ben not to hang out with you?"

Adrienne shot her a dirty look.

Kim pointed out, "You haven't had any problems with any of Ben's other ex-girlfriends. Paige, Andie, DJ, Amber, me..."

Adrienne waved dismissively. "Then I'm being pro-us, pro-our little family."

Kim shook her head. "We're not going to tell Ben that he can't see Dawn."

"Says you," Adrienne said before looking at Sasha. "One vote to let him see her, one vote to stay away. You're the tiebreaker."

"It's not a vote," I repeated.

"And Dayna's still not here," Kim added.

"Whatever," Adrienne grumped, waving us off with her hands. "Maybe it's not a straight-up vote, but you said we have the right to have input into the way you interact with an outside woman. My input is that we should keep things the way they've been for the last year. Dawn's fine as a casual friend but you should keep her at arm's length."

Kim shook her head. "My input is that being kept away from Dawn is only going to stress Ben out."

Sasha nodded. "My input is that Ben should be able to do what Ben wants to do. This isn't a monogamous relationship. We all knew going into this that we'd have to share him with each other ... and Dayna ... and Brandi ... and well ... maybe Dawn, if it came to that."

"No, no, no!" Adrienne shook her head vehemently and willed Sasha to understand with a wide-eyed expression. "You think you know, but you've never seen up close what Dawn can do to his head. You've heard the stories, but you weren't there for the fallout. Even the break-up with DJ was a picnic compared to the number this girl did on him. Dawn isn't just an ex-girlfriend; she's the ex-Dawn."

"Sounds like you've got a personal vendetta against her," Sasha commented. "I was around while they were together; I was a project teammate, remember? I was there after the break-up, too. She's not the devil incarnate, and it sounds like she's just trying to make things right with an old friend."

"Look, I'm not saying that Dawn is some evil person who doesn't deserve to find her own happiness. I like her well enough as an individual. But she's an Agent of Chaos when it comes to Ben – shit just falls apart around her. We all know that it's one thing to let Dayna join in as a casual girlfriend and quite another thing if Dawn ends up wanting the same."

"She doesn't," I insisted. "We're not becoming romantic again, not even like it is with Dayna."

"Oh, Tiger..." Adrienne gave me a pitying look. "I know you want to keep deluding yourself into thinking you and her can be 'just friends', but you can't."

"So what? I shut her out forever?"

She shrugged. "Why not?"

I gave her a look.

"Okay maybe not forever. But maybe you don't do this during our vacation, either. Can't we shelve this discussion until we get back home?"

"Now you're deluding yourself." Kim shook her head. "Dawn's here, she's not going anywhere, and the first breach has been made in the wall Ben kept up between them. It's going to be impossible for them to NOT talk to each other for the next two weeks, and ignoring her isn't a real option."

Adrienne sighed, crossed her arms over her chest, and paced away.

"It's not up to us," Sasha called after her. "Ben and Dawn are going to have to figure this out on their own. Maybe we can have input, but that's it: input. The ultimate decisions will be up to them, and we'll just have to live with the consequences."

"Even if a consequence is the destruction of our perfect relationships?" Adrienne muttered from halfway across the room.

"It's not going to come to that," Sasha insisted.

Kim added, "But even if it did, Ben and Dawn will reintegrate into each other's lives. It's inevitable. And Ben's not disagreeing with me." That last part was directed right at me with a knowing look.

I sighed, having come to the same conclusion myself. "We're not getting back 'together'. But yes, we're going to reintegrate into each other's lives. Slowly."

"Inexorably..." Adrienne sighed.

"It's not like she and I are going to instantly become best friends again or anything. If nothing else, the way I left off our conversation made it pretty clear that I've still got issues with her."

"Clearly." Kim nodded.

"And even if we're about to spend the next two weeks together up here, once we leave she goes back to school in Berkeley and I go back to work in San Francisco."

"All of twenty minutes away," Adrienne muttered as she returned to the group and sat down.

"You were only twenty minutes away when you moved in with Felicia instead of coming back to school for Junior year, and look at how little time WE spent together that year," I reasoned. "Brandi and Dayna were twenty minutes away and we still didn't see each other much. Neither did you and Lynne see each other very much. Life on campus is life in a bubble, and it's part of the reason why it was so easy for me to have so little to do with her for the past year. It takes directed effort to break out."

"Directed effort that Dawn will make to get back into your life if you let her," Adrienne sighed.

Now it was MY turn to reach out and caress Adrienne's cheek. She pouted and avoided my gaze at first, but I raised my other hand to her chin and gently directed her to face me. She stared back at me bleakly, her normally golden hazel irises muted and dark. Nothing had happened yet, but Adrienne looked at me as if she'd already lost me.

"You're not going to lose me over this, no matter what," I assured her.

Gritting her teeth, Adrienne muttered quietly, "I know you mean what you're saying, and I want to believe you, but not even you can tell me what's going to actually happen once she gets back into your heart."

"Been there, done that. Dawn and I don't work as a romance, and we both agreed that we're better off as friends."

"Water and water. You are who you are."

"Who I AM is your boyfriend. I love you." I swept my gaze across Sasha and Kim. "I love ALL of you, in different ways. I didn't start loving you all at the same time, and as we've built this crazy, love-dodecahedron with the three of you and with Dayna and Brandi, the way we interact with each other has constantly been changing. Nothing ever stays status quo. But I've continued to love you all, and I plan on continuing to love you all. I can't pretend to know how Dawn coming back into my life is going to tweak and reshape our relationships, but I committed to all four of you, Dayna included, and I plan to honor that commitment."

"Until your feelings change and you don't anymore," Adrienne said glumly. "Nothing stays status quo. People break up. People move on. Do you really think it'll be the four of us plus Dayna until the end of time?"

"Right now I'd say that sounds awesome."

"Right now you say that. But what about tomorrow? What about in two weeks when we go home? What about in another year when Dawn graduates, leaves Berkeley, and maybe wants to come live with you? What happens to the rest of us if she and you get past this ... this thing ... between you two, and water and water decide they'd like to be bonded together again?" Adrienne reached up, took hold of both my wrists, and removed my hands from her face. "You could have let her back into your life right from the beginning. You could have let her slowly work her way back in all during this past year. But you DIDN'T, because you were scared. Scared because you KNEW the power she holds over you. KNEW she could potentially take this 'perfect' life we've built together and wreck the whole thing if she wanted. And even if she doesn't want, maybe doesn't even try, she STILL could do it. Not on purpose. Not to hurt me or Sasha or anyone else. Just because she's 'your Dawn'. And because you'll forever... forever ... be 'her Ben'."

"Adrienne..." I pleaded, reaching out as she started to back away from me.

Shrugging helplessly, Adrienne backed even further away, toward the cabin door. "I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you, Tiger."

"Then don't run away from me."

"I'm not running. I just need to think, okay?"

I sighed and rubbed my forehead. "Watch out for bears and trail erosion, will ya?"

That got me a little smile, but it soon disappeared from her face.

"I'm coming with you," Sasha announced as she stood up and went after Adrienne, grabbing both their jackets draped over the couch since last night as well.

"I love you, Adrienne," I said sincerely before she turned away. "Forever and Always."

She always said it back to me, but not this time. This time, Adrienne just started crying. And suddenly in a hurry, she rushed to the door and darted through it with Sasha quickly following after.

I stared at the closed door for a long few moments, and when I blinked I realized that Kim had slid into the seat beside me. She wrapped one arm around my lower back and lowered her head against my shoulder.

"Don't worry," she reassured me. "She'll be back, and you don't ever have to worry about losing her. Even if Adrienne ever felt like she was really losing you, she's not the type to roll over and give up. She'll fight for you, tooth and nail, right up to the point of killing Dawn if she had to."

I jerked myself away and stared at Kim in surprise.

She giggled. "Relax, it won't come to that. Things will work out, you'll see."

I frowned. "Not even you can know that for sure."

Kim shrugged and looked up at me with twinkling eyes. "Sure I can. I've been taking clairvoyance lessons from Brooke. I can see the future."

I rolled my eyes and sagged against the couch's backrest. Dropping my elbow onto the armrest, I let my forehead fall into my open palm. But just as I started to rub my temples with thumb and forefinger, I felt Kim's hands slide down my chest and along my thighs. Looking up, I found her kneeling right in front of me, a coy expression on her face.

"Relax, watashi no shujin."

I blinked twice and furrowed my eyebrows. "Watashi no... 'shujin'?" I queried. "That's a new one."

Kim gave me her Mona Lisa smile.

"You're not gonna explain it, are you?"

Still with that mysterious smile, she shook her head.

I sighed and muttered, "Trapped for two weeks in a world without Wi-Fi, cell service, or Google."

Now Kim started to giggle. But then she stared at me with fresh heat in her eyes as she slid her hands back up my thighs and reached for my zipper.

"Whoa, whoa," I cut her off, pushing back her hand. "Uh, this really isn't the right mood. I'm exhausted, I'm dehydrated, I think my scalp is sunburned ... It's been a really long day."

"I know," Kim stated matter-of-factly as she deliberately reached for my zipper again. "You're also quite stinky. A long afternoon spent in the sun, and your body odor is like an entire football team's locker room after the game." She fanned her hand in front of her nose for emphasis.

Rolling my eyes, I allowed Kim to tug down my zipper, unfasten my shorts, and then raise the hem of my shirt over my head. She didn't undress me any further, allowing me to stand up and drop trou by myself. And afterwards she led me into the bathroom to turn on the shower and wait for the hot water to kick in.

Rustic cabin bathrooms were not exactly 5-star luxury, and the builders didn't factor shower sex into their designs, so I hadn't taken very many two-person showers at camp. Still, just a minute after I found myself underneath the shower spray, hands braced against the wall in front of me while I ducked my head low enough for the water to hit me at the base of my neck and run in rivers down my back, I heard the curtain pulled aside and felt the touch of Kim's hands gliding down my back.

Her touch was not sexual. She lathered her hands and simply washed me. She liked washing me, and she often did it at home. Our relationship was intimate and committed, so there weren't any more one-piece swimsuits. And when she had me turn around so she could wash my front side I opened my eyes and smiled to look upon her naked beauty once more.

Still, the deliberate, workmanlike manner in which she washed me kept me from reading too much into the situation. I really WAS exhausted, and while I liked to consider myself a special kind of man who would always be up for anything, this really WASN'T the right mood. So I relaxed, let Kim do her thing, and didn't even really ogle her when she finished with me and began to wash herself.

Of course, just because I didn't out and out ogle her didn't mean I didn't enjoy the view. When we were both all clean, I was the one to reach outside, grab a towel, and wrap it around her shoulders to rub her dry. I wasn't shy about copping a few feels through the towel, not-so-accidental gropes of her breasts and butt. Even more obvious was when I planted both hands on her ass, gripping and jiggling the flesh I found under the guise of "drying" her. I was playful, but not overtly sexual, acting the same as I would if we were at home.

And once we were both dry, Kim wearing nothing but the towel, she looked up at me with large, luminous eyes and that bewitching Mona Lisa smile. So I pulled her close, tilted her chin up with my fingertips, and bent to kiss her.

"The Missing" came to the cabin before Sasha and Adrienne returned.

Kim and I had been cuddling on the couch, basking in the warmth and flickering illumination of the lit fireplace. I was feeling pretty mellow, what with my recent ejaculation and all. After getting dressed, starting the fire, and cuddling up on the couch, Kim had initiated a pleasant little makeout session that ultimately led to her kneeling in front of me, sliding her hands down my chest and thighs once more. She'd called me her "shujin" again, and this time when she reached for my zipper, I didn't cut her off. She wanted me to relax, so I relaxed. And when she pulled aside the long curtain of her fine, dark hair so I would have an unimpeded view, I reached down with one hand to hold it back for her while she enjoyed her task.

At the sound of the door knock, Kim raised her head off my chest and slid off the couch to go answer it. As the door opened, I sat up straight and looked over the top of the backrest to see Dayna, Brandi, and Dawn on the porch. The sun had not yet set, and the three of them were backlit by the brilliant red and orange colors of the sky. Kim welcomed them in before returning to the couch and settling herself beneath my arm once more. After the other three joined us, they looked around at each other for a moment before coming to an unspoken agreement, and Dayna (as usual) took the lead.

"You're probably wondering where we've been this whole time," she began, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees and her hands splayed palms-up. She and Brandi sat on dining table chairs across the coffee table from me and Kim. Dawn sat pensively on the stuffed armchair at a 90-degree angle to my right.

I shrugged and replied, "I figured y'all went to 'The Clearing'. At least, that's the first place I'd go look for Dawn."

Dayna frowned. "Which of course means you didn't go looking for Dawn, else you would have found her right where you expected."

Sighing, I looked up at the ceiling for a moment and changed the subject. "Have you eaten? Apparently none of you made it to dinner."

Dayna gave me a frustrated look, but Brandi explained, "We ate. A bunch of Dawn's friends are still ranch hands and we wound up having dinner in the staff area."

"WHY didn't you go looking for Dawn?" Dayna asked roughly, accusation in her voice. "You knew where we were. You knew she'd be in pain. How could you leave her like that?"

I sighed and looked over at Dawn. Her legs were crossed at her ankles and she, quietly stared at her hands in her lap, avoiding my gaze. She looked small, shaken, and had clearly spent much of the past several hours in tears. My heart went out to her, and my first words were directed to her before bringing my attention back to Dayna. "I'm sorry. I needed ... We both needed ... time to think ... apart."

"And how long is 'apart' going to last?" Brandi interjected. "It's been almost a year since she came back. You've been avoiding her all this time, and it's killing her inside. And she told us you said all these things about--"

"I know, I know," I interrupted defensively, nodding with my hands up. Taking a deep breath, I gathered myself and sat up straight, removing my arm from around Kim's side. Scooting my butt forward to the edge of my seat, I leaned to my right and extended my hand, placing it gently on Dawn's knee.

She stiffened at my touch, her eyes quickly darting to my hand before tracking up my arm and finally to my face. Her eyes were red-rimmed from crying, and she blinked in surprise.

The overload of emotions started flooding my brain again. Love, anger, betrayal, sympathy, lust, sadness, pain, affection, heartache, rage, want... need ... threatened to overwhelm me once more. But I focused on my own hand, focused on the subtle heat I felt against my palm coming through her jeans. I focused on this simple touch, and I found myself feeling a trickle of ... something ... in the back of my mind.

I focused on it, focused on that ... something ... and I found my own gaze tracking up my arm and to my chest before jumping across the gap to look at Dawn's face once again. And though I felt a catch in my throat, felt like there were dusty cobwebs or something inside that had to be torn asunder before I could speak the words I wanted to say, I managed to gargle out, "Before, at 'The Balcony', you asked me a question and I gave you an answer you didn't like. I wasn't ready. I needed just a little more time."

Blinking, Dawn stared at me with a new expression, wariness still in her sky blue irises but daring to give way to hope.

That glimmer of hope created a spark of hope in ME. I let her expression feed mine, and a touch of a smile tugged at my cheeks as I added more pressure to my fingers to let me squeeze her knee. And with a little more strength, a little more clarity in my voice, I added, "Well I've had a little more time, and I've done some more thinking about the things I want to do with my life and the about the people I want in it. And I'm ready now to give you a different answer."

Dawn's eyebrows went up, and with them went the corners of her lips. Unclasping her hands, she slid her left one over to cover the back of mine, and she added a little pressure to her fingers to give me a tender squeeze in return.

Though I tried to emphasize caution in my gaze, to communicate wordlessly that this would not be a quick fix, not be an instantaneous transformation, I nevertheless found myself mirroring Dawn's growing smile with one of my own. And as my teeth started to show, I exhaled slowly and finished, "My answer is yes – let's start again."