Chapter 47

R-18 (WARNING - STRONG PARENTAL GUIDANCE)

"I.. I wanted to do this for myself. I only have one week before I'll go. Can we cherish our moment while I'm still here?" I said in front of him while my arms are circled in his neck. I could feel his hand at my waist too.

Tumagal ang titig nya sa akin bago nag iwas ng tingin. I could feel that he just want to pretend and to keep his emotions show up. I felt a pain in my chest when I saw his eyes, it shows some pain.

"Why.." He whispered. "Why are you doing this to me."

I bit my lower lip and avoid his eyes. "I wanted to choose myself first." I finally answered.

We both looked at each other eyes. I was surprised when he hugged me tightly and cried on my shoulder. I didn't talk and just let him do that. I tried to stop myself to not cry in front of him too. Ito ang iyak na pinakamasakit sa lahat, ang marinig nyang hikbi habang yakap ako.

"Don't leave me please." He begged as he hugged me tighter.

I parted my lips when suddenly his words flashed back. Ito ang pinaka ayoko na marinig ulit galing sa kanya.

Hindi na lang ako kumibo at hinayaan na umiyak sya hanggang sa kumalma na sya at kumalas sa yakap ko. I sighed in relieved, I almost out of breathe because he was hugging me tighter but I didn't want to complain.

Nag iwasan kami ng tingin matapos nyang umiyak sakin. I just smiled at him and looked at the sea. It was welcoming and peaceful. Ot was already midnight and here I am, still with him.

Tinanggal ko ang sandals ko at naupo sa buhanginan. I stared at the sky full of stars and closed my eyes to feel the fresh air.

I wanted to wish so bad. Because I just wanted to love but we need to separate first. I wanted to choose myself first. But my heart has different answers and decision.

Ako ang nahihirapan dahil pinag isipan ko na nang matagal to. Ngayon, natatakot ako sa sarili ko. Natatakot na baka mag iba ang desisyon ko at piliin ang panandaliang saya para lamang makamit ulit iyon. Ngunit ang magiging kapalit ay bumalik sa akin ang lahat ng ginawa nya at paulit kong pagsisisihan na hindi ako tumupad para sa sarili kong pangako.

Naramdaman kong tumabi sya sa akin at tinignan ang kalangitan. "Sorry."

Lumingon ako sa kanya, hinahangin ang buhok ko sa biglaang paglingon. "Para saan?"

"Sa kaninang nasabi ko. I actually don't want to middle of your decision. Mahirap lang na tanggapin ulit na ikaw na yung aalis. But I don't want to be selfish this time. I'll let you go, as long as you're happy without me anymore." Sambit nya, alam kong nahihirapan din sya sa mga sinasabi nya sa akin ngayon.

Natawa ako. Hindi dahil sa sinabi nya, kundi dahil sa realisasyon na kahit kailan, hindi naging maganda ang takbo ng buhay namin sa isa't isa. Maraming tao ang nadamay para lang mailigtas namin ang sarili namin mula sa pagkasira dahil sa iba. May kailangan mag kunwari, may kailangan mag sakripisyo, may kailangang masaktan para sa taong mahal.

Hanggang ngayon, ganoon pa din kami o hindi kaya ako. Nandito pa din ako. Hindi ako makaka ahon hangga't nandito pa ako. Kina kailangan ko pa din sya maka usap kahit na alam kong nagkalinawan na kami. But I don't think that I thanked him already for the sacrifices he made for me.

"Thank you." Panimula ko kaya napalingon sya sa akin. "For everything you've done for me, for us. Even if still hurts to being left alone without knowing it. Maybe, I'm blind by my love for you to not realizing those things. I gave all my love that I almost forget what my life had. Lately realizing that it was all my fault too. I almost lost you, lost all the people around me. I actually planning to observe you at first. I was being careless that thinking that you'll not notice it. But you're a smart person, I don't think that you'll never notice it.

Pinipilit kong kumbinsihin ang sarili ko na mag focus lang doon noon. But I still failed. We borh hurt and we both have different reasons why we became like these. I don't want to blame you anymore. I just want to choose myself first and love myself. Maybe, this is my path. This is my future. And this is the reality. I love you, I still do. But I needed to choose myself first over you. I hope you understand that I wanted to be alone and heal myself."

He held my hand to squeeze it gently. "I understand. It's hard to accept everything you've said to me. But yes, I noticed your observation. I actually didn't get mad or felt betray for what you've did. I'm sorry Krish, that we need to pretend to all people that we don't know each other. But it's not a part of pretending when we separate. I failed yo be a good guy to you. I'm not trying now. I need to stop because I'll be hopeless if I try to us get back together to each other arms again. Maybe, in same time but different countries. We'll meet again. But as a civil or I don't know what shall I call it."

It hurts to see that he slowly accepting my decision in life. But I did not regret for choosing myself at first. I don't want to betray myself and to be fool again. It's not wrong and it's not selfish either.

"Did you regret proposing me?" I talked normally as I did not hurt earlier.

He looked at me and smile a little. "I'm not. Even when I got rejected many times. I never get tired for hoping that someday, you'll accept me into your life again."

Nag iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya kasabay nang pagtulo nang mga luha ko. Pinigilan kong humikbi sa harapan nya nang maramdaman mo ang pagsikip ng dibdib ko.

I tried to calm myself when he held my hand tighter and kissed it. I can feel it. It was a genuine.

"Find some other woman, that will suit you. That woman who'll never get tired loving you-"

"Stop talking about that nonsense Krishiana." Galit nang sabi nya. Sinubukan kong punasan ang luha ko at humarap sa kanya.

Umiling ako. "You deserve someone, who's-"

"Stop it." Nagtitimpi nang sabi nya at umiwas nang tingin. "You just hurting me more. I don't want to find another more than you. You're enough for me. I'll claim to be single forever than end up to another person."

"No." Pag pigil ko. "Wag mong gawin yan sa sarili mo. Lex, marami pang iba. I will gladly-"

"Can you respect my decision please?" Napatigil ako nang umiyak sya nang tuluyan sa harap ko. "Stop it please, you're just hurting me."

My heart cracked into pieces when I saw him devastated once again. Nilapitan ko sya at niyakap nang mahigpit. "I'm tired of being punish Krish." Nanginginig na sambit nya kaya mas lalo akong napaiyak.

It was so selfish of me not thinking what he feels. "I'm sorry." I kept saying to him many times.

Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang pumasok sa isip ko. I wanted so bad to stop him from crying. It breaks me.

I parted my lips and reached to him. He was surprised by my sudden kiss but he respond after a sec. I heard our kisses mouth to mouth. He staste every corner of me.

I found myself floating until we reached the part of hidden place at the beach. It was dark but not too dark. I saw some lights but enough for a dim when he touched my breast and moaned his name.

"Oh Lexord" I whispered when hes hands caressing my thighs up and down.

We stopped when he looked at me. "Do you want to go to my room?"

I hesitate a bit before nodding. We are so fast like we were running out of time until we reached the elevator of the hotel. We have a key card in his unit and let me in.

He pushed me so hard and kissed me aggressively. I smirked and kissed him back. Pinalibot ko ang mga kamay sa leeg nya at idiniin ang ulo nya para laliman ang halik.

"Wait, are you taking pills?" He hesitate and asked me in the middle.

"No, I stopped already week ago." Pero mukhang hindi nya narinig nang bumalik na naman ang halik nya sa akin.

"Alright." He whispered to me, smiling like an idiot while we're in the middle of something.

I found myself woke up next to him as the sun appears on my face. Napa pikit ako lalo nang maramdaman ang kaonting init na nang gagaling sa glass wall kaya napataklob ako ng unan ko.

I was about to turn around when I felt his hands circled to my waist so I stopped moving instead and push me into his chest to continue his sleeping resting.

Bigla kong naalala ang nangyari sa amin kagabi. Napapikit ako kasabay nang mga ala alang pumasok sa isip ko mula sa nangyari kagabi. It was so stupid but I didn't regret about what happened yesterday. Maybe, maybe I got he's hope again and changed my mind instead.

Nilakasan ko ang loob ko at humarap sa kanya na mahimbing na natutulog sa tabi ko. He looked so peaceful while sleeping. O can see his pink-reddish lips parted and smelling him like a mint makes me go crazy.

I stopped myself and looked at his white cleaned face. Hindi ko namamalayan na hinahawakan ko na ang mukha nya. I wanted recognize his face when I leave at Saturday evening. I will missed him so much.

If only I'm brave enough to be selfish again one last time. But I know that would lead to destroy each other again without loving myself and healing my self first.

"I'll make it up to you before I leave."

To be continued....