Chapter 111 The DADA Professor

Chapter 111 The DADA Professor

Cosmo nodded back to Professor McGonagall and replied, "That's right. I'm probably the most qualified Teacher in the U.K." Also in the Galaxy. Maybe even in this corner of the multiverse. But she didn't need to know those little details.

McGonagall was nearly willing to take anyone since no one had applied. As long as they could cast spells, didn't kill anyone she personally knew recently, and at least pretended they knew what they were doing, they'd have the job. That's how Lockhart was hired. It wasn't that he was a good teacher, it was that he was the only one who applied!

McGonagall was aware that the Ministry had provisions that in the event Hogwarts could not procure a Teacher, the Ministry would assign one. Lockhart was terrible, but someone assigned by the Ministry would certainly have been worse. Even though the man was mentally enfeebled and would spend the rest of his days in St. Mungo's, these days she'd hire Lockhart Again over someone from the Ministry, especially considering how antagonistic the Ministry had been towards Headmaster Dumbledore. He was in a rut now, but she knew eventually they'd figure out Dumbledore was right about Voldemort and everything they took from him would be returned with interest. It was her duty to keep Hogwarts running until then and keep the students safe.

Still, even if she'd hire this man she'd never heard of before on the spot just for showing up, she had to make an effort. Maybe she'd be pleasantly surprised.

"Do you have any experience teaching before?"

"Oh yes, I'm actually a fully accredited Muggle Teacher from the States. I teach very high level science which is not much different from magic over there."

"Really? You don't sound like a yankee."

Cosmo chuckled and replied, "I didn't Graduate Hogwarts if that's what you're asking but I was born here in the U.K. Although I am fully versed in Wand Magic, I spent a majority of my study learning magic from a rather interesting region in Nepal."

"Nepal?" As someone who'd hardly left the U.K. her whole life, she was not particularly knowledgeable of world geography.

"It's between India and Tibet."

McGonagall nodded, those countries she'd heard of, though she'd never heard of a wizarding school in those regions.

Cosmo continued, "I've memorized and practiced almost every spell that exists except the Unforgivables. My main subject of interest and study is Magic Theory. Not how magic works, but why it works. Trust me when I say that 'Why' is a much more difficult question to answer."

McGonagall nodded, aware that the depths of Magic Theory were bottomless. It almost seemed as if Mr. Cosmo was implying he used to be an Unspeakable without actually saying it which made sense as you don't admit to being an Unspeakable after leaving. Certain oaths involved would see to that.

Although he was young, he did not feel as if he was lying at any point and if he was, at least he sounded better than Lockhart. Without additional candidates to choose from for the position, she wasn't even going to test him. If he was the only person to show up for an interview, she'd hire Stanley Shunpike if he applied at this point. But if Mr. Cosmo really was a former Unspeakable, or at least a tenth as good as he claimed to be, that would still be better than a majority of the poor fools she'd seen in the position over the last few decades.

"Do you have any requirements for accommodations or lesson plans?"

"None at all, I'm flexible. I'll spend the first week gauging the knowledge of their respective years and go from there. For the missing bits I'll give them some workbooks they can use on their own time to catch up on anything from the previous years they lacked."

"Workbooks?"

"It's a small bundle of parchments with essential points written in from the core subjects. The key points are written with blanks the students must fill in themselves to gauge if they are missing those essential bits or not. It's common with muggle education and helps those who fall behind catch up without the need of a tutor."

That had McGonagall surprised. She'd never thought about the Muggle Education system and had never considered which of their practices could be worth emulating. Her initial expectations from this interview were to the point she'd hire another Lockhart, but it seemed she might have lucked out and found a truly competent teacher.

Rather than jump to conclusions that were probably too good to be true, she withheld her judgment until he'd proven he could walk the walk and not just talk the talk.

The only possible concern was Headmaster Dumbledore Although she trusted him implicitly, he had a tendency to unconditionally reject Teachers from outside of the U.K. and she had to report what she learned from the Interview before anyone could be hired. She didn't question it, but between a Veteran Teacher from America or a Bureaucrat from the Ministry, he'd likely choose the latter. Although she would never lie to him, in this case she could comb over the details a bit. Though Mr. Cosmo said he taught in America, he clearly said he was born in the U.K. so he was not a foreign Wizard. If she mentioned to the Headmaster Cosmo was a native born magic user who taught in some minor schools Dumbledore had never never heard of, that would not be a lie. That would prevent the Headmaster from outright rejecting him. A small deception, but how did Albus put it? Ah yes, it was for the Greater Good.

McGonagall nodded and said, "That sounds brilliant. I don't believe there shall be any issues. I'll have an Owl contact you by the evening with confirmation or in the unlikely event rejection. After that you may move into the Castle. Will you require any changes to the Annual Textbooks?"

"If there is something not included in the text I feel they should learn, I'll give them a copy myself. No need to strain their already tired wallets in such hard times."

McGonagall smirked at that. Lockhart's poor performance was not the worst part of his instruction, it was his demand to add every book he'd written to the required reading list of every student. Not that any of his books cost more than a Textbook, but the price of the lot of them together certainly exceeded that of the standard Text.

There was something else that she was pleased with. McGonagall had already received a 'recommendation' from the Ministry to change the Textbook of this year to something they had a hand in writing. The copy of said Text McGonagall was sent is currently in the Teacher's bathroom. It is not used for reading in there.

The fact that Cosmo did not ask for the text to be changed meant he certainly was not a part of the Ministry. She intended to ask a few more questions to gauge his character, but ended up spending over two hours discussing different methods used in Muggle Education and their effects.

Although Dumbledore was Headmaster, he was far too busy making the world a better place so McGonagall was Headmistress in all but name. Some of the policies Cosmo had shared had intrigued her and she was already taking mental notes on subjects she wished to discuss with Pomona and Filius. Not Snape of course. No matter how much Dumbledore trusted him, the man-child had never amended ways, so she would not waste a breath on him.

Cosmo and McGonagall parted ways at the end of the Interview with the latter thinking of scheme after scheme to ensure Dumbledore did not reject this man.

Cosmo, also known as Harry Potter, was pleased that he didn't have to lie or cheat even once for the Interview. If either was required for a teaching position for him of all people, his wives would never let him hear the end of it.

All of his wives and girlfriends had come with him since he planned to stay until the end of the school year. Technically when he returned, no time would have passed, but that didn't mean he could stay indefinitely. There was a certain balance required when dimension hopping. If Harry spent a full year in another Dimension and returned, he would not be able to visit another dimension until he spent a year in his home dimension. So after this Quest, there would be no Dimension hopping for a year which was one of the main reasons his girls insisted on coming.

It wasn't a waste of time of course. These Quests often reward levels to his Paths which were getting more and more difficult to increase and during the down time needed to wait before he could do another dimension quest, he could spend it power grinding levels in Battle Meditation.

The only thing that prevented him from finding a dimension out of synch of time, spending a million years level grinding, and returning was the fact that Battle Meditation was disabled outside of his Dimension. That being said, Harry already figured out ways of increasing his level without Battle Meditation, so all he needed was for time to pass in his home Dimension and eventually he'd be strong enough to protect everyone.

By this point the Harry Potter of this Dimension should have long finished the ritual and Wanda should have taken him to Potter Manor. The Order of the Phoenix was of course losing their ever loving minds as Arthur had lost Harry Potter and no one knew where he was.

Cosmo was tempted to call Sirius Black and ask him to help in this prank, but he was unfortunately quite under Dumbledore's thumb and would instinctively seek to return Harry to Dumbledore's 'Protections.' The same was true of Hermione which was a bit of a shame.

Without Harry Potter coming to Hogwarts utterly OP, the ever helpful Hermione was a massive part of his life. At the moment, Wanda was likely coaching this world's Harry in being assertive and taking a girlfriend as soon as he entered Hogwarts. 'Cosmo' would wisely stay away from that situation, especially since Jean was currently at Hermione's coaching her to seduce Harry.

Oh, and MJ was coaching Susan Bones, Rogue was coaching Daphne Greengrass, and Jade was coaching Luna Lovegood.

According to Jean, the Harry Potter of this world's heart was tied to these four and his own girls decided to play Matchmaker. Moreso, each had an artifact which shrunk them to the size of a pixie, gave them wings, and made them fly while also making them invisible to others.

In other words, all of those girls now had their own Fairy Godparent whispering in their ears about the best way to pair up with Harry Potter.

Jean was insistent they would all pair up eventually, but for now there was something of a competition between the girls to see who would get Harry Potter first. The odds were in Jean's favor, but the years of conditioning the pair had to not see each other that way would be a barrier that was not simple to get around, making it a lot more fair for the others.

Jean already dosed Hermione with something to cleanse the potions from her and remove all mental magics from her. Though Jean was not a witch, her Psionics vastly outstripped anything the most powerful wizard was capable of when it came to the mind so there was no danger there. The only problem was the lingering effects of four years of conditioning and getting the single child to understand what she felt for Harry was not the affection of a sibling.

None of them would tell their charges about Dumbledore since he wasn't their problem, or should he say, target. Sure, upon arrival they could have turned all the evil wizards into ash, lobotomized Dumbledore, and left, but the Quest Reward would probably not have been that great and none of them liked the idea of putting half efforts into helping. The goal was that when they left, they would not be needed anymore.

Now that Harry had been rescued, it was time to start having a bit of fun.

First step, a bit of misdirection. Cosmo shapeshifted into an exact replica of Tommy Lee Jones. He then changed into clothes identical to what was worn in Men in Black, down to the sunglasses. Next, Cosmo teleported to number 12 Grimmauld Place, the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. Fun fact about the Fidelius Charm, it did not affect those with vastly more power than the caster.

The door was locked both physically and magically but that didn't prevent his telekinesis from unlocking it from the other side. He pulled out a chrome plated sci-fi looking weapon and opened the door.

All eyes were on him in an instant. Since Harry Potter had gone missing, the Order had been convened and Dumbledore himself was there along with Sirius, Snape, Molly, the twins, and a few Aurors loyal to Dumbledore. Others such as Lupin and Mad-Eye were likely out searching for Harry Potter.

Cosmo did not look at any of them, he simply entered and walked into the entry hall.

Sirius shouted, "Hey! Who're you?" The shout was not so much a question as it was a method of quickly informing everyone that this stranger was not someone he recognized. Snape pulled his wand and fired a moment quicker than Sirius did. Dumbledore did not move as big bosses did not fight minions and Dumbledore felt no magic from this well dressed stranger.

A green energy shield surrounded Cosmo in the shape of a sphere and looked as if it was composed of hexagons. Any spell that made contact with it vanished and was absorbed. Cosmo responded by shooting both Snape and Sirius with his gun which was pretty much a stunner that lasted an hour, regardless of the usage of Rennervate. The shot from his gun was much faster than spellfire and neither Wizard was able to dodge his aim before dropping from the effect.

The other Aurors started moving and firing but the spells shot were still absorbed by the energy shield and a moment later both were hit with perfect accuracy despite their fast movements.

Cosmo looked emotionless as he continued forward and didn't even turn his head to Molly who was yelling at him or any of the others. He walked with purpose towards the basement and opened the door before closing it behind him. Inside, he found the Horcrux Locket and made a portal to toss it through. He certainly wasn't going to wear it or put it in his inventory. Now was the fun part.

The remaining members of the Order and Dumbledore were standing outside the basement door wands drawn, discussing their options. Their conversation was quite abruptly ended when the door exploded open and the man who'd broken into their Headquarters was sent hurling towards a wall. A massive tentacle then erupted through the door and sought out Cosmo who jumped and rolled and dodged.

He shot the tentacle multiple times which caused an inhuman wailing sound to echo from the basement. Everyone in the house was screaming and even Dumbledore was dumbfounded, completely unaware of the series of events that led to this.

The massive tentacle then split into two to the disgusted screams of the females of the residence and though Cosmo suppressed one with gun fire, the other got around him and quicker than a blink wrapped him up. It then proceeded to smash him against the walls over and over.

Molly and the twins had already pulled out their wands and started shooting at the disgusting tentacle but the spells seemed to have no effect at all.

Suddenly the tightly bound Cosmo's shield turned on, pushing the tentacle off him around the green sphere shaped shield. Cosmo fired his gun again but this time instead of a shot, it came out as a continuous beam which caused great pain to the tentacle. Both withdrew into the basement and Cosmo followed it.

The Wizards still had no idea what was going on. They were about as well informed of the situation as a muggle during a Death Eater Attack and none were smart enough to appreciate the irony until much later.

Moments later Cosmo calmly emerged from the basement door frame carrying what appeared to be a burlap sack. The contents of the sack seemed to undulate and squirm and shriek in a pitch almost too high for humans to hear, making it clear the sack's occupant wasn't normal.

Without a word Cosmo walked back to the entryway and opened the door, leaving the dumbfounded wizards a far greater number of questions than they had answers. It would take three full days before any of them eventually realized Harry Potter's trunk, clothes, and owl had gone missing from his room. Technically Cosmo could have retrieved those things with portals, but where was the fun in that?

His only regret was that Hermione wasn't there as she was the only one of them who would probably watch Men In Black when it came out in this world two years from now.

Cosmo back in his green haired form used a portal to get to the Potter Manor of this world which, among other things, somehow had a larger library than his own and had actual Magic Portraits of James and Lily Potter. He certainly wasn't expecting that when he found it.

He brought in Harry's suitcase and the cage Hedwig was in. She chirped calmly, calling Harry from the manor's upper level where he had likely spent the last hour talking with the portraits of his parents. He spotted the cage and shouted, "Hedwig!" Harry was no longer the scrawny underfed teen he'd found in the Wizengamot. He was tall and though still lean, it was a fuller, healthy lean compared to the skin and bones twig status he'd had earlier. The Harry he found there didn't look like the one in the movies as that was just an actor, not someone who actually grew up starving. The main thing though was that the hidden dangers of long unattended injuries were removed and the Harry Potter of this world would no longer be at risk of dying of natural causes at 70.

Rather than let Hedwig out of her cage, Cosmo pulled a vial from his inventory, opened the cage and placed it before Hedwig who grabbed it with her beak as Cosmo lifted the contents to be poured down her throat.

Harry asked, "What is that?"

Wanda followed from up the stairs and answered, "Something Cosmo felt Hedwig deserved for all her hard work over the years."

A moment after finishing the vial, Cosmo stepped back with the cage wide open for Hedwig to jump out. She did not move. A moment later, she vanished and reappeared on Harry's shoulder.

"What?! Hedwig! Did you just teleport?"

Cosmo smiled and stated, "She can do more than that now." He walked over to the fireplace and tossed in a few logs. "Hedwig, a demonstration if you would?"

"HOOT!" And with that a powerful red beam of light shot from her eyes and set the logs directly ablaze.

Now Harry was just dumbfounded. "You gave her Laser Vision?"

Cosmo and Wanda shared the same smile. Harry recovered quickly and looked back at Hedwig with an even brighter smile, "That's Bloody Brilliant!" She'd been his first family and her newfound abilities made him happier than his new appearance.

Harry than ran over to Cosmo and grabbed his hand, "Come on, I want to show you my parents!"

Cosmo smiled and figured this would be interesting.

Later that night Cosmo and Wanda left Potter Manor for a Hotel. Harry wanted them to stay in the guest room, but they promised they would be back the next morning. It was unavoidable that young Harry would become attached, but they weren't going to stay forever and coming and going at random intervals was the easiest way to ensure Harry would accept that.

Hedwig had already delivered a letter to Hermione that he was fine and she would see him on the train. Though Hermione had been monitored by the order all day to ensure they spotted any attempt to contact her, they had no means to monitor Hedwig's ability to teleport right into her room. Hermione had been told that Harry was missing but was not as worried as the Order. Pixie Jean had promised her Harry was fine, though she didn't give the details, the letter she received assured her that her new, tiny, red-headed acquaintance was not lying.

Cosmo's mailing address had already received a letter by Owl that he'd been accepted into the position. From the writing of the letter, McGonagall implied between lines that Dumbledore thought he was a muggleborn or halfblood school teacher who wanted to try out for Hogwarts.

This was completely harmless to Dumbledore's schemes and since it was a fact that all muggleborns worshipped Dumbledore, he would not mind an additional blindly loyal minion in the castle to praise the air the Leader of Light breathed.

Now the only problem Cosmo had was how long should he wait before discarding such notions from the great headmaster? Seconds? Seven was a powerful magical number, so perhaps he should wait a full seven seconds before bringing Hogwarts metaphorically down on his head. No, ending it too quickly would ruin the fun.

Back in New York, most of the villains were sorta off limits to him since others had reserved them. If Harry took out every villain in the country, his girls would be quite displeased that their reason to dress up, go out, kick ass, and have fun would be all but gone. Of course if Peter Parker knew Harry's concern, he would definitely beg for Harry to take all of 'his' villains away.

Since he'd gotten a quest specifically to help this world's Harry Potter and take down Dumbledore, he could waste it with something simple. It had to be satisfying.

The next morning Wanda and Cosmo returned to Potter Manor with a bunch of newly purchased house elves. And by newly purchased, he meant freshly stolen after using magic to sever their bond to their former masters.

Dobby would likely be invited once Harry met him at Hogwarts, but he wouldn't exactly come when he called now since they were quite far apart at the moment.

After making breakfast and stocking the Manor with ingredients the Elves could use for future meals, Cosmo took Harry to the Manor's Atrium and said, "We have three weeks before school starts and besides Wanda's lessons, I'll also be teaching you a thing or two."

Harry nervously asked, "Do I have to take Wanda's lessons?"

Cosmo looked over at his wife standing in the corner with a smirk. He then turned back to Harry and said, "She thinks so, so I think so."

Harry sighed. It wasn't that lessons on women weren't useful, but the unbearable awkwardness was painful for his soul.

Cosmo asked, "How are you feeling?"

"Hungry. And my head feels a lot clearer." He hadn't noticed yet, but his scar was dimmer than it had been and it would almost be gone by Sept 1st. Cosmo's potions purged more than just the bindings and potions from his system. The Horcrux was gone and due to some modifications, Harry would keep the Parseltongue. He didn't need it, but Wanda wanted him to have it so she could torment Harry with all the alternate uses that skill had outside of academia.

"Just ask the elves whenever you need a snack, but be careful not to spoil your meals and get plenty of exercise. No one will stop you from flying your Firebolt until the sun sets so feel free to fly around later. Have Hedwig join, she'd like that."

Harry smiled and nodded, he knew she'd like that and so would he.

Cosmo continued, "Now, you always get yourself into danger every year which usually ends with you with a wand or sword in hand and someone else screaming. I'm going to teach you how to resolve things peacefully without a wand. You see, the best answer to almost any situation is to smile and wave. Do so properly and your enemy's jaws will hit the floor in shock."

Harry stated hesitantly, "I don't think that is going to work for me."

Wanda stated, "It will if you cast it correctly. Uagadou is the Ugandan Wizarding School, located in the Mountains of the Moon in western Uganda, Africa. They teach magic that does not require a wand, but can be cast with a hand gesture. The spell Cosmo is referring to is one of theirs, a spell whose gesture is the waving of the hand and the spell's effect will cause the target's jaw to fall off their skull."

Cosmo continued where she left off, "So when I said their jaws will hit the floor, I didn't mean it as an expression."

Wanda nodded, "Others will not have an easy time casting without the bottom half of their mouth making it an easy win for you. The spell won't be affected by the Trace since that really only looks for Wand Magic. And any healer will be able to put their jaw back on without much effort so it isn't even considered a dark spell."

Cosmo conjured up a dummy on a stick in the room. The dummy's torso and head were fully articulated. Wanda looked at it, gave it a polite, beautiful smile, and waved her hand at it. The dummy's jaw then fell off and bounced off the floor.

Cosmo walked over and picked it up before placing it back on the dummy. The spell's effect ended on contact and the jaw was back in place. He looked over to see the flabbergasted Harry looking back and forth between Wanda and the dummy. Cosmo smiled and said, "Gesture Magic is a completely different branch of magic and within it, this isn't a low level spell. Still, it is incredibly useful and no one in the U.K. will expect you to be capable of casting this. The only catch is that since it's a secret skill, you can't show it off by using it on your grade school nemesis the first time he riles you up."

Harry answered, "Okay, when can we start?"

"Right now of course. Now, the first thing you need to learn about Gesture magic, is that each hand movement is associated with some imagery and has a name. Gesture Magic is not the same as Wandless Magic since that is simply the skill to cast Wand Spells without a Wand. It is of course possible to cast Gesture Spells gesture-less, but I'm not expecting you to reach that level in three weeks."

Harry unconsciously smiled. He loved learning magic as much as Cosmo loved teaching it.

Although Cosmo was just teaching Harry one spell, he was also leaving the younger Potter with an English Translated version of the Uagadou textbook. Harry could use it to review, and if he just so happened to decide to practice a few of the spells within on his own time, that was entirely up to him. A distinctive pointing gesture to make someone slip, twirling your fingers to make someone suddenly very very dizzy, and some subtle wrist snaps to cause someone to empty their bowels were very, very enticing spells for the son of a Marauder.

Of course the fact that this Translated Edited version of the Uagadou textbook contained such useful spells was entirely a coincidence. It certainly wasn't a form of motivation to trick a student into learning on their own and wasn't an attempt to draw Harry into the Dark Side of pranks and mischief.

Not that Gesture Magic was all powerful. Compared to Wand Magic, Gesture Magic had a few rather severe limitations. Many Spells which affected another living being required the living being to see the Gesture or at least see the Caster in the case of Gesture-less casting. Gesture magic was also rather inefficient at inanimate transfigurations, turning something nonliving into something else. They were quite useful for living and even self transfigurations though and with enough training, any Uagadou student could turn themselves into an Elephant or Cheetah.

Still, you had to keep in mind the limitations when using it. Waving with a smile worked, but you could not use gestures under a table to get the effect. You had to be creative.

Two weeks before the 1st of September, Cosmo moved into the Teachers Quarters of Hogwarts to meet his new colleagues for the next year and get himself acclimated. Or at least that's what he wanted it to look like.

Before meeting Dumbledore as Cosmo, he equipped an artifact that included a bit of Wanda's magic. His own was still invisible and he couldn't let Dumbledore catch on too quickly so he jerry-rigged together a piece that made it look like he had a magic signature equivalent to that of a fresh Auror recruit. Stronger than a seventh year, weaker than a senior Auror. In other words, not suspicious and not a threat.

An informal faculty meeting was arranged by McGonagall so Cosmo could get acquainted with the remaining staff.

The Astrology Professor Sinistra, Runes Professor Babbling, and Arithmancy Professor Vector, all stood to the side and gave their new green haired colleague a once over before ruminating to themselves how long he was likely to last.

Hagrid's substitute Grubbly-Plank introduced herself with a smile while Sprout, Flitwick, and Pomfrey asked Cosmo various questions. Dumbledore would come later as he had more important things to do at the moment, like restock his half empty stash of lemon drops.

Hooch, Pince, and Filch didn't show up for the meeting and to no one's surprise, Snape was nowhere to be seen either. The latter's excuse was that he was stocking up on Potions for the year, but Pomfrey made her own potions so everyone knew that was a lie. Hagrid himself was out negotiating with the Giants and wouldn't show up until later.

An hour later and the meeting continued while the staff made small talk, waiting for their mighty leader to eventually show up. The door opened without preamble and out strode Dumbledore who didn't spare Cosmo a glance. He walked over to McGonagall and said, "It would seem the Ministry has still elected to send a guest to watch over the castle. Her name is Mafalda Hopkirk."

The staff frowned at that. The fact that the Ministry had promised to send someone over to teach DADA when no Teacher was found was known by all, but that matter should have been resolved with Cosmo's appearance.

McGonagall motioned to her side and said, "This is Professor Ludo."

Without looking at him Dumbledore nodded and stated, "Nice to meet you," while waving him off to step aside. The fact that without looking he cast five separate Compulsion charms with his other hand while people were distracted looking at his waving hand showed his experience in dealing with new teachers.

Cosmo remembered from the movies that Mafalda Hopkirk's name was on the letters sent for Underaged Magic, but she was just doing her job and wasn't a bad person. In this world though, she was apparently Umbridge's protégé and right hand. At least she thought she was. Cosmo figured she was actually Umbridge's fall guy. Umbridge would tell her to get something nefarious done and if she got caught, it had nothing to do with Umbridge.

Dolores herself could not be given the position because, officially, she was on leave. Unofficially, she was in a holding cell because she had gone crazy and Fudge was considering the merits of tossing her through the Veil over allowing anything she knew to be spoken aloud in her deranged state.

Dumbledore on the other hand really couldn't care less about Hopkirk. The only reason he looked concerned was so that she looked more formidable than she actually was, and when he overcame her along with everything else the Ministry threw at him, he would once again be considered omnipotent in the eyes of the students and staff. To that end, he had to ensure she obtained enough power in the school. He had already discreetly confounded Fudge into remembering the existence of the position known as Hogwarts High Inquisitor and ensured that this nobody from the Ministry was given that position.

It would have been better if she was the DADA teacher as well, but that didn't matter a great deal in his eyes. The only thing that mattered at the moment was finding Harry Potter.

Ever since the Trial he had somehow been delayed from attending, he had been most irate. After that idiot Fudge had been tricked by this Cosmo character into Emancipating him, Dumbledore's access to the Potter Vaults and properties had not just rescinded, but even audited. The money within was technically Harry's and as his magical guardian, Dumbledore could borrow from the vaults at no interest, but the sum had to be returned. Once Harry was dead, that would not matter, but now that Dumbledore was no longer his guardian, the full borrowed sum was due and it was no longer at zero interest. Every day he took to refill those vaults would compound the interest! He had to get Harry back under his control or get him to sign off on forgiving the debt before those miserable little Goblins took it from his hide!

On that note, Dumbledore looked over his staff and said, "Harry Potter still has not been located. I have also been unable to find the one who was last seen with him, a green haired young man named Cosmo."

At that moment Dumbledore froze. It was not because he'd realized that the man standing next to McGonagall had green hair or because every member of the staff suddenly looked over at Cosmo at the same time. No, what caught Dumbledore's attention were two young men he didn't notice before standing near a wall.

They were not members of the staff, but were people he recognized from a long time ago. One of them was clearly Gellert Grindelwald, looking as young and handsome as he was before the turn of the century. The other young man was clearly Tom Riddle Jr, a few years older than the last time he'd seen the man graduate Hogwarts. Both were smiling at Dumbledore and when he froze upon spotting them, they took each other's hand and walked over to a nearby broom closet to enter it before closing it.

Dumbledore's eyes widened in shock and he overcame his initial stunned state and ran over to the door to wrench it open so violently, it nearly came off the hinges. It was empty of course.

Cosmo wondered what the man wanted to see in there. Of course, no one other than Cosmo and Dumbledore saw the pair.

"Albus, was there something you needed in the broom cupboard?"

Dumbledore slowly closed the door and calmly turned around to check the faces of the staff. It was obvious that none had seen what he had and it would not do to have them see him as anything but omnipotent. He considered Obliviating them, but this was a bit minor so he decided it wasn't worth the additional brain damage.

"Ah, it was nothing. I thought I felt a boggart in there. Better to be careful of such things. Now, I trust you have everything in order. I'll be in my office."

Some of the staff wanted to ask about that matter with Cosmo, but Dumbledore had clearly seemed a bit shaken and didn't mention the young man in the room, so they thought perhaps it was someone else.

After returning to his office, Dumbledore had gone over the event a dozen times and still could not make sense of it. How could he see them? Neither were dead and they certainly weren't young. He hadn't just seen them, he felt their magical signature even up to the point the door closed and he opened it again. It was only when he opened it their signatures vanished. It didn't make any sense.

From his perch his bound familiar Fawkes asked, "You alright there? Should you call for a cuppa tea?"

Dumbledore shook his head and replied, "No, I'm fine, I-" then he turned back to Fawkes in stunned silence. Phoenixes don't talk.

"What did you just say?" He asked.

Fawkes responded by chirping and warbling, which were standard noises for a Phoenix. He also turned his head with a slight sneer as if to ask, 'what? I didn't say anything you sanctimonious jackass.' Since he had been forcefully bound and his feathers forcibly taken to be turned into weapons to use for Dumbledore's pawns, he was not exactly pleased with his lot in life.

Dumbledore took a few breaths before returning to his desk to swallow a lemon drop. He frowned upon doing so. It tasted like lime.

Cosmo smiled at the Headmaster's confusion. Although the man was clearly evil and insane, he did not think himself evil or insane. Since his morals were basically, 'my thoughts are good and those against me are evil because I am the self proclaimed leader of light,' it was impossible for anyone to convince him that he was evil. So Cosmo thought, what if he could convince him that he was crazy? Would Dumbledore change his plans if he thought that he was crazy, or would he continue down on this path when he was presented with loads of evidence proving his mental facilities were clearly a train wreck?

If Dumbledore accepted that he was crazy and conceded his plans may have been made with faulty judgment, he could perhaps give up on them. If he rejected reality for his crazy fantasies, then everything was fair game. Cosmo did not believe in destroying someone so entirely without giving them a chance. The fact that this 'Test' would be very enjoyable to administer was besides the point.

The next day Cosmo took Harry back to the Dursleys, but not to return him of course.

Harry asked, "What are you going to do to them?"

Cosmo asked, "What would you like done to them?"

Harry remained silent on that. Despite everything, it was not in his nature to initiate harm to others.

Cosmo patted his shoulder and said, "I am going to do the absolute possible worst thing imaginable to them."

Harry asked both with concern and curiosity, "What's that?"

"Leave them to themselves."

Harry frowned, a part of him felt that was a bit of a let down. He asked, "How is that the worst thing?"

Cosmo answered, "One of the worst things in the world is having to live with a horrible person. You know this better than most. What everyone forgets is that horrible people don't have it easy either. Every single horrible person in the world has to live with themselves every day of their lives, and few if any of them enjoy it."

Harry's brows shot up in surprise. He certainly hadn't thought of that.

Cosmo continued. "Horrible people don't have it easy living with themselves and do bad things to others to distract themselves from their own horribleness. It is true you could do something to them, but anything you did would just be a distraction and the cruelest thing you could do would be to deny them a distraction. Up until this point, you have been that distraction, but I'm going to 100% remove every memory they have of you and the memories of you from this street so no one will recall the scrawny little lad from Number Four."

Cosmo took out his fake wand. It was a black stick and had a gold star at the end of it. He waved it a bit and said, "Done."

He then put the wand away and said, "Without anything to distract the Dursleys from themselves, they will have to either live with their own horribleness or use each other as a distraction. Everything that happens after that will be their just desserts. We could punish them, and perhaps they'd learn a lesson and be less horrible. That would be good for them, but I'm not feeling particularly good at the moment. How about you?"

Harry sighed. Cosmo was right. Without Harry to use as a punching bag, Vernon's anger issues, Petunia's controlling habits, and Dudley's violent tendencies weren't going anywhere. What would happen to them after Harry stopped being their outlet? It was obvious.

Still, he still wanted to do something. Not everyone could be as completely detached as Cosmo and could rationalize away basic human emotions like the desire for well earned payback.

Cosmo smiled and as if he could sense it, he took out his fake wand and waved it again. "Okay, I'll add an extra bit. Bad Luck. Nothing that will affect their livelihood, but they will be more likely to stub their little toe on the dresser, burn easily cooked food, and break easily breakable appliances. Also, unless Petunia's gardening skills match up to her namesake, that lawn is going to get a lot browner."

Harry smiled. That worked for him. The pair left to get some ice cream and discuss the upcoming year. Harry was thrilled that Cosmo would be their new DADA teacher and Harry was almost giddy to meet a certain blond haired nemesis on the train this year.

Weeks passed and the first of September arrived. Harry already had a new wand and although it looked just like his old one, this one was 120% matched to him, was unbreakable, and would return to his hand if he called for it thanks to a certain Asgardian enchantment built into it. Cosmo was tempted to ride the train with Harry, but several Aurors were there looking for him so Cosmo pointed out a certain shaggy black dog sniffing around and told Harry to go with them.

Harry already knew that Sirius was mostly brainwashed by Dumbledore and wouldn't believe what he said, so Cosmo told Harry to just tell Sirius that he'd been living in Potter Manor and that Sirius should go there and see the Portraits of his parents. The only catch was that Sirius must not tell Dumbledore or any from the Order about it.

Although loyal to the Chessmaster, Sirius was still a prankster and since this request didn't harm anyone and was something that he certainly wanted to do, he agreed right away before escorting Harry to the train. Harry's new physique made him nearly unrecognizable and many would not have even noticed him without his glasses. He didn't need them anymore, but these copies prevented mind reading so his secrets were safe from certain nosy parties.

Although Cosmo and Wanda didn't get on the train, the other girls in Pixie form did. None but the girls they assigned themselves to could see them so when Harry and Hermione sat in the train car together, Pixie-Jean was there to suggest locking the door and taking him there to the blushing bushy haired bookworm.

Ron eventually joined them to Pixie-Jean's annoyance.

For some reason, either brainwashing or something else, Molly, Ginny, and Ron Weasley were plotting with Dumbledore. They were but pawns to him that could commit crimes for him by proxy and take the fall if they got caught, but to them they were his loyal supporters and would be richly rewarded when Harry died.

The girls had already called dibs on deciding Ron's fate, so Cosmo left him alone and didn't tell Harry too many of the details. He'd likely learn them for himself as the year progressed.

Hours later in the Great Hall and the sorting was about to begin. Dumbledore already had plans to call Harry to his office once the feast was over and sign some forms he'd cast illusions over giving him access to all the boy's gold. He'd tell him that the forms granted him access to his parent's personal effects and diaries which wasn't true and once Harry signed them he'd Obliviate him, cast a dozen compulsions, and send him back to his dorm, righting everything that had gone wrong over the last few weeks.

As the first years lined up, McGonagall started calling out names. "Ariana Dumbledore."

Dumbledore violently shook as an eleven year old girl that looked nothing like his sister walked up to the hat. Moments later it shouted, "Hufflepuff."

Next, McGonagall asked for, "Gellert Grindelwald."

Another random child who was clearly not Gellert approached the hat. "Gryffindor!"

"Tom Riddle Jr," she called out for next. After another random child approached, the hat shouted, "Gryffindor!"

After getting through three shocking names, McGonagall called out again, "Ariana Dumbledore."

Another little girl approached the hat. "Slytherin!"

Dumbledore was dumbfounded. Why was she calling out those three names again and again? Why didn't anyone else notice? Was he the only one who heard those names shouted? How was that possible?

Dumbledore took a few moments to calm his nerves and decided to ignore the remainder of the sorting.

Once it was done, he stood up to stand before the Great Hall to start his beginning of the year announcements. "Now we have a few changes of staffing this year. We're pleased to welcome back Professor Grubbly-Plank, who will be taking care of the Magical Creatures while Professor Hagrid is on temporary leave. We also welcome our new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher, Professor Ludo."

He then gestured to the side and stated, "We also have a new guest from the Ministry-"

"One moment Professor." Said guest interrupted, got up, and walked over to stand next to Dumbledore before the students.

"My name is Mafalda Hopkirk. I'm honored to be welcomed back into these halls and I know Hogwarts welcomes me back."

It was at that moment a 500kg Grand Piano somehow fell from above and crashed directly on Hopkirk and Dumbledore.

Cosmo had to quickly Pause just so he could safely break down laughing. He was not the one who set that up. Either Hogwarts was not so welcoming of this guest or one of his girls had something to do with this. Since Hopkirk wasn't called dibbs by anyone, it seemed everyone might have thought she was fair game and it just so happened this moment they got a two for one. Harry decided he'd let the girls play with her.

As for the fact that Dumbledore and Hopkirk had just been crushed by a Piano, they'd be fine. Probably.

*Author's Note.*

Pretty sure the remaining parts of this should fit into one chapter which I should hopefully finish writing by next Sunday.