Chapter 8 - Never Been Suited for Him

While holding on to their shopping bags, Pam and Jenna ended in one of the remote cafes within Luxent. After getting both their nails done and strolling around, coffee fix is much needed.

They settled to a quiet cafe away from the always crowded Starbucks. They took one corner seat. The cafe was nicely decorated with vintage touch with light piped in music that still allows you to have good private conversation.

"You are still a plain brewed coffee drinker." Jenna said while taking a first stab on the New York cheesecake they ordered to share. She got herself a cappuccino.

"I have always enjoyed plain brewed coffee. I can only appreciate the bitterness, sweetness, spiciness or whatever undertone flavor it has when its plain." She likes drinking coffee at an early age. Probably the only thing she shared naturally in common with Tim along with programming.

"So tell me...after you became this sophisticated, aren't you dating someone?" Jenna started to be nosy once more of her relationship status.

"Is it a must to date?"

Jenna could not read whether this is a rhetorical question or serious one. "Why? Do you not intend to have a family and babies? Well the thing is this will start with dating."

Pam was in deep thought while sipping her coffee. She is resolved to the idea of being single. How can she have family when she doesn't even want to be in a relationship anymore?

"It's not something i am planning in the next 5 years or in the future. Life can be fulfilling alone and with friends." She bitterly said.

"That can be true. I always want to go home with my kids or even stay at home and wait for my husband to come home." Jenna may have lived a colorful life with all the relationship she had still, she longed for warmth of family. She came from a broken one. She promised herself she will be a good wife when she finds the right man. She will take care of her family regardless is she is still working or stay home mom.

Pam looked at Jenna with admiration, her friend clearly know what she wants in the future. Unlike her she just keeps on going and going. "You know I was a menopausal baby. My parents were almost like my grandparents."

"They married late and they had me late. It was a good thing that i was even born at Mom's age. My dad passed away few months after my college graduation. He is 10 years older than my mom. You know... my mom passed away after that." One can feel the loneliness in her voice.

Although her mom had become weak each passing week when her dad died, she felt like she is partly to be blamed.

"For once i thought of marrying early having seen my parents. I wanted to see my child have their own family. I do want to see them marry too." She continued while thinking of her frame of mind back then.

Her voice was a bit cracking," When I met him, i thought i was lucky. He was just 5 years older than me and he is probably every girls' dream."

"Pam..." Jenna could not help mutter. She had seen her during those time. She was young, naive and in love.

"It was wonderful, I felt like Cinderella even if we were not that poor." She let a fake laugh out and continued, "We lived in different lifestyle, culture and literally youth. He must have seen the world and i am just starting to explore mine. I fell too much in that beautiful contrast." She wiped that single tear she is holding back. Took a deep breath, "i was too engrossed with the feelings and forgot about the signs."

Jenna held her other hand. "I think its good to talk about it too. It sets you free. You should have not hold it in yourself. You can tell me, we are like sisters. Though it is just 2 years, I am here like an older sister to you when you need advise and a friend when you needed to share feelings regardless if its happy or sad. I am willing to go crazy with you."

Pam felt warm inside and the tears she was holding back came rushing through. Being alone after her parents' demise, she did not have any constant companion to talk to. She had friends but no one comes close to how she is to Jenna. She is probably the only person who knows most of her sad past. Still there are some details that Pam kept from her.

" I believe you are destined to find someone who will love you and fulfill those wishes you once had." Jenna comfortingly told her.

"I am probably destined to be comforted by you Jenna." She has dried her tears and continued talking, "It is not that i don't want to have family or kids. I don't have to the courage to face another failed relationship or explore. I cannot deny how wonderful it was to fall in love with Tim. I strive hard to condition my mind we both had loved each other. He must have loved me one way or another, but now, I am no longer confident that was even the case."

"Why? Is this the thing keeping you from entertaining other men?"

She jokingly replied, "no one is interested." She then let our another fake laugh.

"I don't believe it! You are as attractive as any single lady out there."

Truth is she is too afraid to feel that miserable once more that it overpowered the memories of love.

"I am think I was just one of the many girls who passed by Tim. He might look like a Chinese American but he is western in all ways and I am just another Asian girl in his life. I was wondering for the longest time he never really took me those intimate parties and events. I don't know his parents. He knows everything about me. He never once visited me in my dorm back then but i was the fool one to frequent his pad." She almost said 'fool one to have frequently slept with him.'

"Girl, westerners are like that they only care about you. Meeting the parents maybe a big deal for us but not for them. You are only thinking of reasons to put yourself down." Jenna feels like she is overthinking. It was only that conversation that destroyed their relationship. To her, the context of this is never clear.

There were even times when Pam feels like Tim is mocking her. There are things outside her country of birth that she is not familiar with. She is a single child, she is sheltered, she is a simpleton. He always makes fun of her when she mispronounced some foreign words. There are food he likes that she doesn't even know what it is. He talks to a group of friends that she doesn't know.

"But those are the realities. I was more of a challenge, a game he needs to complete. There were many things i was not aware of because i was focused with my own feelings." She choked and continued not wanting to tear up again,"I was a nurtured prey and before he turns me into bones and lifeless, i took the chance to flee. So here I am back to my original focus, to be successful in this field"

At the recollection of how Tim was laughing back then when she accidentally heard them talk about their relationship. It made her quiver. She never knew how pathetic feels until that day. She never had courage to confront him. She heard what he said and thinking back those months that they were together, she was never suited for him anyway.