Dear God - 2

October 2015

"You should take a break from time to time. Panay na reklamo ni Dad sakin. Sa office ka na daw halos tumitira. Don't exhaust yourself just to forget Cielle." Naiiling na itinigil ko ang pagcheck ng mga files nang magsimula na si Shiro sa pagsesermon sa akin.

He rarely calls me but whenever he does, I always get scolded by him. Kung minsan nga ay iniisip ko kung sino ba ang panganay sa aming dalawa. But I do know that he's just saying the truth. Because for the past months, I've been exhausting myself to forget the urge of thinking about her.

"Your secretary said that you always skip your meals. Alam kong brokenhearted ka bro, pero hindi ka naman mamahalin ni Cielle kung magkakasakit ka eh. You'll just make her feel guilty when she finds out what you've been doing lately." Dugtong nya pa na tuluyan ng nagpahinto sa ginagawa kong pagscan ng mga papeles.

"She won't find out if you will keep your mouth shut." Walang gana kong sagot na ikina-buntong hininga nya ng malalim.

"She's been asking about you. You've been ignoring her messages." Akusa nya na hindi ko naman itinanggi.

It's been so long since I last talked to Cielle. Madalas pa din akong nakakatanggap ng mensahe galing sa kanya pero mas pinili ko na lang na ignorahin iyon. I can't be the friend she wanted me to be. Not now. Kaya hanggang maaari ay pinipilit kong abalahin ang sarili para hindi ako magkaroon ng rason na isipin sya o magreply man lang sa mga mensahe nya. I know I'm being mean but it's my only way to stop myself from wanting her.

"I'm not doing this just to make her love me, dumbass. Busy lang ako." Palusot ko habang nagmemental note na sermunan ang sumbungero kong secretary.

"I've been there before. To be honest mas masakit pa nga yung nangyari sakin dahil kahit anong gawin ko, kahit anong effort pa ang i-exert ko, kailanman di na babalik yung taong mahal ko. Pero ikaw, you still have the chance. Na iparamdam yung pagmamahal mo kahit sa ibang paraan. Kahit di sya mapasayo. Malupit si tadhana. Do you think those two won't break up? Or that they will really end up together? Tao nga nagbabago eh, feelings pa kaya? You don't have to exhaust yourself just to forget about her. You need to face it. Accept it. And learn from it. Kahit man lang ikaw, magawa yang bagay na yan." Ramdam ko ang lungkot sa mga binitawan nyang salita na tila sinasabing hanggang ngayon ay si Elijah pa din ang nagmamay-ari ng puso nya kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas mula ng pumanaw ang dalaga.

Malalim na buntong-hininga ang pinakawalan ko ng dumaan ang mahabang katahimikan sa aming dalawa. Hindi ko makuhang sagutin sya dahil maging ako ay hindi alam kung paano ko gagawin iyon. I can't erase my feelings right away. And if I don't make myself busy, Cielle's face will keep on popping in my head. Like a lunatic I am.

"Kamusta sya?"

I heard Shiro chuckled on the other line. "You don't have to worry about her. She's still happy. But she misses you. Madalas ka nyang kamustahin sakin dahil hindi ka daw nagrereply sa mga messages nya sayo. I just told her you're busy because of the opening of our new hotel branch."

"Thanks, Shiro."

"But even if that's the truth, still you should message her from time to time. Alam kong nag momove on ka pa bro pero wag mo naman ipahalata na iniiwasan mo sya. Tingin mo ba madali sa kanya na ireject ka? You've been friends for how many years bro. Mahirap din sa part ni Cielle yun." I feel guilty because of his words.

If he really wanted me to feel bad, he's doing a great job about it.

"I really hate you." May inis na sabi ko na ikinatawa nya sa kabilang linya.

"That would be incest if you like me bro." Napailing na lang ako sa sagot nya. I remembered telling the same thing to Vaughn before. He really is my brother.

"I'll go visit you guys once things settled down here. Just don't tell them yet. And stop worrying about me. I do exhaust myself but I'm not doing this to kill myself. I promise to eat on time. Kung gusto mo magsisend ako ng selfie every time na kakain ako para lang hindi nyo na ako putaktihin ng secretary ko. Seriously that guy is starting to become like you. Napapaisip na nga ako kung ako ba ang boss nya o ikaw eh." Tawa lang ang naging sagot nya sa paghihimutok ko. Madalas kasi ay puro sermon na din ang inaabot ko kay Shaun, ang secretary ko, tuwing hindi ko kinakain ang mga dala nyang pagkain.

"Don't you dare scold him. Isusumbong kita kay dad para ipatapon ka nya dito sa Pilipinas ulit. You wouldn't want that because it'll only make you want to see her. Besides, Shaun is just doing his job. Besides it's your fault for not hiring a woman as your secretary. Yan tuloy, mas matigas pa ang ulo sayo ng nakuha mo." I rolled my eyes in frustration. I didn't hire a woman because it'll be a pain in the ass if they fell in love with me. I don't want to sound conceited but I do have all the qualities to pass as boyfriend material. Pero sadyang malupit si tadhana dahil wala sa mga babaeng nagustuhan ko ang nakita ang mga katangian ko na iyon.

"We are planning to celebrate Christmas in ADA. Cielle won't go home this Christmas break. And just to inform you, Vaughn won't be there since she did not allow him to stay for Christmas. I'm not telling you to come home but if you're planning to visit us, that would be the perfect time." Shiro said before ending the call.

Nahilamos ko ang palad sa mukha matapos ang tawag. Sa tuwing naaalala ko ang maamong mukha ni Cielle, wari ko ay kinukurot ng pinong-pino ang puso ko. Hindi madaling magkunwari na kaya ko na, na tanggap ko na. Pero mas hindi madaling supilin ang nararamdaman ko. Mas hindi madaling lokohin ang sarili ko na hindi ko na naiisip ang dalaga. Because I knew, even though I exhaust myself. Once I close my eyes to sleep, she's still there. In my dreams, where she chooses me over Vaughn. I took a deep breath and close my eyes and pray to God before leaving my office.

Dear God, Please. Take this pain away. Even just for a while.