It Doesn’t Feel Right

I left home wearing my most comfortable clothes you know; a shirt, pair of pants, some earrings, a set of sneakers and a spritz of a cheap perfume. Well, the clothes picked by sisters doesn't level to my taste. My date with Billy, it was exciting but I feel that something is missing. So I thought of calling Maria Fe. Hearing her voice and advices about dates tends to calm down my nerves and ease my worries.

Our date went on … just right. Well I enjoyed going out but I haven't felt anything. This feeling goes on and on for months until I find out that my feelings with Billy fades by time. Yes, I liked him but that was before. Now, that I knew his likes and dislikes, what he believes, what he wants in life, what he wants to build in the future, how he acts, how he talks to others, his attitude, his personality and his hygiene; it contradicts all of what I am. Just the other day we talked…

Evette: Billy, I have something I want to tell you long time ago but I don't have a heart to tell you.

Billy: Are you going to say yes for being my girlfriend?

Evette: Wait its….

Billy: I knew in time you will. I love you Evette and I will treasure you.

Evette: Billy please you are just making the situation more difficult.

Billy: ok, go ahead tell me

Evette: Billy I can't continue with this anymore

Billy: With what?

Evette: I can't seem to love you the way you love me.

Billy: What?

Evette: Its weird but I don't feel anything between us except for being just friends

Billy: Why now? Why not earlier?

Evette: I am afraid of losing you that's why

Billy: then why can you love me?

Evette: I don't know why and I can't answer that yet

Billy: I am afraid that I already know the answer

Evette: The feeling and emotions faded just like that I-I

Billy: This is goodbye then?

Evette: I am afraid so

Billy: See you at school then

Evette: Bye

I don't know why but after talking to him and letting my real feelings out feels my mind at ease. Soon after, I heard Billy has been courting another lady, I just shrugged it off. Maria Fe is always there for me. Until we talked and talked sharing each other's failures and goals in life. Months passed, my feelings foe Maria Fe changed…

Evette: What are you doing? Why are you talking to him?

Maria Fe: You mean Joe?

Evette: Yeah him

Maria Fe: HAHA! He's my cousin Evette

Evette: You were like so sweet? Are you even in relationship with him?

Maria Fe: What the hell are you talking about?! I don't like things you are telling! Get a hold of yourself!

Evette (Spaced out)

Evette: I am sorry!!

Maria Fe left without even catching a glimpse of my shadow. I know she was hurt. I shouldn't told her that, I mean what is going on? I feel? I feel? Jealous! Days without her; I feel empty as if I was incomplete. I spent sleepless nights, thinking about her. Then it struck me, I think I like her more than just being a friend. I have been thinking all week for it. I garnered the courage to tell her one day…

Evette: Maria Fe, I need to tell you something

Maria Fe: if you just want to lecture me in life forget it Evette!

Evette: NO! Wait!

Maria Fe: Say it or I'll leave!

Maria Fe waited for two minutes just staring at me. She couldn't wait so she turned her back at me once more.

Evette: I LIKE YOU!

Maria Fe: WHAT!!!!?

Evette: I really like you!

Maria Fe: Wha- what nonsense are you saying?

Evette: I have feelings for you

Maria Fe: Stop Evette just stop!

Evette: Please don't leave me!

Maria Fe: I need to go

She ran away that day. I feel like being squished by something heavy. I was embarrassed as hell. I didn't even get an answer. I know to myself that I am coming out of my shell. I already know I am different from my sisters. I am a girl but I also like girls and boys. I don't know? Am I a misfit? Am I different? Am I twisted? Coming out from my family is so hard. I don't know how to tell them, how to approach them and the things I am going to say. Will they accept me for who am I? Or will they throw me away just like in the TV shows? I am really concerned, to what they are going to say. In the evening before dinner, I gathered all my courage to tell them…

Evette: I have something to say

Mom: What is it dear?

Evette: I like boys but I also like girls. Please accept me for what I am

Mom: Let's eat. We don't need to spoil the food.

My sisters balled their eyes on me. I saw my mother's eyes filled with tears. After plating our food I saw her walk to the kitchen and wiped her tears after breathing hardly. My sisters didn't say anything. I hardly swallowed every spoonful of my meal that night. My sisters never mentioned any of it either. But I know some things will definitely change.

Morning came and I waited for food to be served by our mother. Yet, she never came same with my sisters. Days forward they treat me as if I didn't exist. I was just like a ghost inside our own house. I was being passed by, unnoticed, neglected and ignored. I was hurt to the point that it felt like being shot by a thousand arrows. My own family and my best friend hate me.

I was so sad that I choose to run away. I wrote my mom a letter saying; "Mom, I am very sorry for what I just said, I am just letting my real self out. I know you were hurt but the way you guys treat me it was unbearable. I am not twisted, I am not different; I know that now and that was the motivation I hold on to letting myself out. The love you gave me was forever enough. Mom, this is who I am, I don't want to change to what I am not. I am still the child that cherished you, I am still the one you cared for; those memories will never change. I just want to be true to myself. I don't want to fool myself any more and more importantly I don't want to fool you."

I wrote that letter because I know she will chase after me or find me but I was wrong. I spend seventeen days sleeping with my friends' house. I still go to school and see my sisters. I was lucky to have my sister Ethel; she gave me half her allowance. Then one day…

Ethel: Sis, you need to come home

Evette: No, I am afraid to be ignored by all of you again

Ethel: But it's mom!

Evette: What happened?

Ethel: She-

Evette: Never mind sis, thanks anyway for the money

Ethel: But-

Evette: Bye sis love you

I never turned around. I think she left after that. After two days, I decided to come home. My sisters all came to hug me that rainy night, they were all crying. My mom left to work abroad again for she cannot bear to see me. I was broken hearted; she didn't even tell me. I graduated High school without her. It was frustrating, my mother never congratulated me or message me ever since. From time to time, my sisters started to treat me as normal again. My frustrations were lessening from that time. Little by little they accepted me for what I am and stopped from pestering me with girly ideas and girly things.

Summer was over and I got into college. Will I meet new friends along the way? Will they also accept me?