chapter 3

now scene i was small all my life it was always hard to tell how old i was. when i was 4 or 5 i had my very 1st seizure wich is ironic because like a week or so before i had mine my twin had hers. i really never new why i had seizures till i was maybe 7. that's when i had my 1st memory of the bad things. OK well i rembered i was asleep and i had a dream that my mother was holding me by the ankles. she was Dunking my head under the water in a horse feeder. now sense my brain didn't rember what i looked like as a child or exactly when it was. in my dream my brain made me look like what i looked like at 7 years old. then i woke up and i went down stars and told my aunt about my dream. when i did she said well, that's because when u was a baby you was drowned  then she went on to tall me that me and Denise was put into the tub. she attempted to drown us. that's when i found out that i was 6 months old when that happened. my aunt said that i was dead for 5mins or seconds, but brought back to life by the doctors. but it wasn't till later when i got older that i came to the caclushion that maybe the fact that my mother was a druggy and i was drowned that, that's why i have seizures.  that's when my aunt told me different things that had happened while we was in that house. me and Denise was not feed at all. the only thing we got was a cookie after bad things was done to us as a reward and rotting milk. are mother had several men in and out of the house. mostly from the bar. they would come in and shed have sex with them then after wards they would do stuff to us. she would reseve money for the bad acks that was done to us. she had jj and vergina go to school make friends and invite them over. when they came over she would do bad things to them and order them to do it to us so they felt obligated and ashamed not to tell on her. she told them you did it to so if you tell on me you'd be telling on yourselves and you will get into a lot of trouble to. we also was hit and bettin. are mother suffered from Munchhausen syndrome. one insident i already talked about which is the drownings.  then a nother incident was with my sister Denise  are mother took her hand and put it under neath the flame on one of thos old fashion lanterns that people used for camping. another incident was with vergina. are mother burnt her clit off. im not sure how old i was for this incident but i was young. me and Denise had a dentic appointment and are aunt went back in the back because the doctor called her back. while she was in there are mother walked in with a dud and 2 or 3 kids. me and Denise recognized her right away. she stated to walk turds us and we was scared. i rember wispring to Denise to say i was asleep. so i layed down to pretend i was asleep. but Denise was so scared to when are mother asked she said no she is awake. so i had no choice but to talk to her. she was trying to cocst us to leave with her. i rembered her saying how are you guys. we said good in a shy way and to this day i still get that same face appear on my face. anyways then she said well mommy misses you guys so much. but us being young and not knowing completely of what we had went thro when we was with her, we kinda belived her. we was to insentient to know any better. i new i was scared but didn't know why. but i also still loved her and wanted to be with her because i had no clue and lets face it she was are mother! all i new was that we wasn't aloud to see her but didn't know exactly why. we said really with a shy, confused, scared smile. i rembered having mixed fillings of wanting to go with her but scared to at the same time. so me and Denise garbed each others hand and looked at each other with a scared look. we was just about to stand up from were we was sitting when are aunt just walked in. she said what are you doing. are mother said nothing i was just talking to my baby girls. im not quite sure what happened after that. its kinda fuzzy. but i do rember being in the car as are mother was in a car behind us chasing us. i rembered looking out the back window with my hands on the window crying and are aunt was just saying its OK girls. i wont let nothing happen to you! i don't rember how we got away or what happened as far as her getting in trouble or anything after that. another isitant that im about to tell you I didnt know till resonantly. my sister Nicole kinda opened up about it more than unseal  we was talking to her because she rembers every single thing that was done to all of us. she said that are mother use to make her take money over to the next door nabor. she was told to use the front door. she said she rembered when she went in the guy took the money. then he took her some were in the house and did bad things to her. then when he was done she was to use the back door and go home. she said this was done on a regular bases. so i know if i grow up there id be pimped out as well. she made jj and vergina go on the streets and seal themselves for sex and seal drugs. another incident was when are aunt 1st got us. we was able to have visitashions with are mother. i rember always being so happy to see her. I didnt know at that time why i wasn't with her. or maybe to nieve to know any better. but all i new was that she was my mother! this one time i rember it was my birthday and she had promised me that she had a birthday present for me the next time she seen us. every time she had an excuse to why she didnt have it. like this one time i came into the room and i rembered saying mommy wheres my gift. she said what gift? and i said the one for my birthday silly. and then she said oh its down in the car. so i said well its just down starts why don't u go get it. she then said i cant they wont let me leave.  so i asked why? she said because then i wont be able to get back in to see u. so i said OK. i was very sad and disappointed. i wanted to believe her but she did it so many times before.  but i think apart of me wanted to believe her but i don't know why. also apart of me missed her a lot and i don't know why i did?! even at a young age i always sow the good in people and maybe that's why i missed her. i believed that people could change. and quite freckly i still do! but anyways so like 5 weeks later she gave me a cake. now as a kid that was awesome because i was so small that it looked bigger than me!  but being older and even as i grew up to realize that wasn't even that special at all! when me and my twin was with are mother we never saw the light of day unless she dropped us off at are aunts house. i rembered are aunt telling us how when we came over we were dirty. we was still wearing diapers  and we was always sitting in pee and poop. so when she got us are buts were terably sore. we couldn't talk. the only word we new was bitch. we didn't say it to anyone but to each other. wed say bitch back and forth. its funny to think of now because to emagin 3 yr olds saying bitch back and forth would be kinda funny. because wed have a smile and to us it was a game. we wasn't saying it in a bad way of use for the word bitch!  but knowing why isn't to funny. in fact its very sad to think about. are aunt said she should of new something was wrong because every time are mother came to get us we would grab on to are aunts ankle and Nicole saying don't let her take us. are mother was using us as sex toys to earn her way in life. so when are aunt did get us we had no recalection of what had happened to us. and we didn't know how to eat. i rember my aunt telling me how we would sit at the table with a plat of food in front of us for hours. she said she could tell we wanted it but we wasn't touching it. we just didn't know how to eat or use silver wear. we was hungry but had no clue how to make the pain go away! so when she finally decided to take it away from us we would grab onto the plait and scream bloody murder. we was hungry and we wanted it but we just didn't know how to eat. we was so afraid that if she took it away that we wouldn't see the food again. she also said that when she 1st got us she was handing us a cookie not knowing that we got them as a reward for the people doing bad things to us. she said when she showed the cookie we garbed it held are head down and we went lip and looking to the ground. she said she garbed are arm and lifted it up then dropped it and it just feel back to are side. so in a way we thought sense we got cookies for sex that, that's what was going to happen all over again. but ironically we grew up to love cookies. they remind me of that but not to the point to were i cant eat them. that part is behind me. so because of the bad things that happened to as we grew to have are own troubles mentally and in the learning part. Nicole she was an emotional wreck so she acted out a lot. she could not grasp the concept that she was in a better place now. she also has bi poler and depression. Denise had a social disability were she could not be social because of fears of being let down. she also got depression and Axiaty. i could not tell time or say certain words or spell good. I still cant to this day but that's ok tho. I also get stashed to people to quickly and ack weird sometimes. Exspecally when I get ignored. I also have depression and Axiaty. i rembered my aunt she would hang cue cards on things saying what they were and have me try to say them. i rembered one day my aunt tried to teach me a very simple word which was egg. she would say the word egg out really smooth so i could hear every syllable. and i listened carefully and tried my hardest. but every time my aunt said the word egg i heard an extra syllable so id say it like this egga. i rembered my aunt getting so mad at me and i feelt so confused because i thought i was saying it right. i also felt like i was letting her down! so id cry and cry. i also rembered one day my aunt seen me and Denise smiling at a stranger and waving at them. she then asked us do you know that person? and we said no. so then she asked well then why do you smile and wave at them? because they are are friends we said. so my aunt asked well how can you tell that they like you. because they smiled at us we said. and thinking back now we said that because what we went threw that's how the bad people would show them self's.  are mother would say its OK there your friend. so we assumed that was how it was and was true. so when some one smiled they adamaticly was nice or are friends. so are aunt said girls just because a strange person waves or smiles at you doesn't mean that there nice people. not everyone is what they seem to be. so now im thinking maybe that's why i have trust issues. because ppl can fake a smile and fake being nice so easily. that fact has been proven to me all my life so i don't trust to easily!