Iris 7

Umisang tingin muna ulit ako sa salamin na nasa compact powder ko bago ko binayaran yung taxi driver at bumaba sa sasakyan niya then I took a deep breath upon seeing our house. Matagal kong pinakatitigan ang bahay namin, ito na kasi siguro ang huling beses kong mapgmamasdan ang bahay na kinalakihan ko. This might be last time so I have to treasure this.

"Iris?" Natigil ang ginawa kong pagmumuni ng marinig ko ang pagtawag sa akin. Nakita ko ang naka-kunot noong si Nana Katchi, yaya ko since childhood, na inoobserbahan din ako. "Ginagawa mo d'yang bata ka? Tsaka teka nga pala, bakit ngayon ka lang? Kanina pa tawag ng tawag yung boyfriend mo dito at hinahanap ka."

Hindi ko sinagot ang mga tanong ni Nana. Nginitian ko lang siya at hinalikan sa kanyang pisngi nung mag-lakad na ako papasok ng bahay. Nakita ko mula si mukha ni Nana na hindi niya inaasahang hindi ako sasagot sa tanong niya pero being the ever understanding Nana that she is, hindi na niya ako kinult at sinundan na lang niya ako papasok. If it weren't obvious, naka-uwi na ako sa'min. I just finished filming my video about Arra tapos ay kinalma ko ang sarili ko't nag-ayos tapos ay umuwi na. Madilim na rin kasi tsaka kanina pa nila ko hinahanap, baka may gawin pa silang nakakagulat kapag hindi pa ako umuwi.

After a few steps of being inside our house, narinig ko bigla ang boses ni Kuya. He was going down the staircase and he looked regal and he looked nothing but serious. "I hope you have a very good reason for making the whole house worried, Iris Kyle."

Do you have at least one person in your family that you know you'll never resent? That whatever shit happens in life, you would not speak ill of? For me, it's my mother and my elder brother. Though if I will be honest, if I will be asked to choose between the two of them, I will choose my brother. Alexander, my elder brother, has nothing but kindness and warmth. He has always been there for me through whatever. He's a constant savior, he's a constant protector. I don't know, I guess I am abnormally dependent to my brother.

I smiled gingerly at Kuya as I try to gauge him. He looked so serious and I am afraid that I might say the wrong thing and he'll explode. "Kuya, I was at a park. I was attending a film making class."

"Film making class?" Kuya sounded I don't know, indifferent perhaps? But I know, I would really rot in hell already for lying. Pero thinking of it, mas okay na siguro na iyon ang sinabi ko kay Kuya kaysa casual kong sabihin sa kanya na I just filmed videos for the people in my life to watch after I take my life. Ang ironic na I cited Arra on the videos for dishonesty yet here I am now being dishonest as well.

"Yes, Kuya. I didn't want to tell Paul the class I am attending because I was planning to surprise him with a film of us. Kaya ko din hindi sinasagot yung mga tawag niya kasi baka ma-expose ko lang yung sarili ko." Lies! Lies! Somehow though, there's a bit of honesty in the lies. There's really a video intended for Paul. Hindi nga lang siya sappy and mushy like what Kuya may be thinking. But at least.

Kuya looked at me as if he's trying to figure out whether I was feeding him with bluffs or what. After what seemed to be a good minute, na-iling na lang siya at inakbayan ako. "Do not do that again, you hear me? You do not make me worry, Iris Kyle. Dad is fuming right now because I decided to cancel a meeting with a potential investor just to help your boyfriend find you."

"I told Paul that he's being paranoid. He's so kulit and I'm sorry for what happened. Sana hindi mo na cinancel yung meeting mo, Kuya. You could have avoided a disaster."

Tumigil sa paglalakad si Kuya at hinarap ako. Hinawakan niya ang magkabila kong braso and he looked straight at me. "You are more important than any investors. Heck, you are more important than our business. You do not underestimate yourself when you are talking to me, little lamb. You are worthy."

All the time, I badly wanted to get away with things. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to cease my existence. I am so weak. But you know, the very reason why my decision in culminating my life took this long is because of Kuya Alexander.

Everytime I envision myself with my plans, laging pumapasok sa isip ko: "Paano si Kuya? Ano na lang iisipin ni Kuya?" Si Kuya Alexander, without him knowing so, napipigilan niya ako sa ilang beses kong balak bawiin ang buhay ko. I am afraid to disappoint Kuya by giving up. I have disappointed a lot of people with various reasons pero si Kuya ang natatanging taong ayaw kong madismaya sa akin. And I know, that once I do what I want to do, I will fail him. By taking my life, I would disappoint him so highly he might denounce me as his little lamb.

But you know, with all the failures and the pain I have encountered, the thought of failing Kuya Alexander doesn't haunt me any longer. Dumating na ako sa point na hindi ko na kaya, na kahit pa ang pinaka-matibay na angkla ang gamitin sa akin para manatili, I would eventually get away with the anchor. I have already reached my saturation. I'm like a ripe active volcano, yung malapit ng sumabog at pumutok dahil masyado ng naburo ang kung anuman ang nasa loob.

Without preamble, I hugged my brother with all the might that I have. Feeling ko nagulat si Kuya kasi medyo napa-atras siya but then he returned the hug afterwards. Pa-ulit ulit kong binubulong kay Kuya kung gaano ko siya kamahal and how sorry I am. Hindi ko na pinansin na umiiyak nanamang muli ako but I just wanted to let my brother know how much I love him and how much sorry I am for what will do. I cried so hard as I hug the only person who I am afraid to leave.

Kuya might have thought that I am apologizing for not informing them of my whereabouts. He was consoling me for what I think are the wrong reasons. "At least, you are safe, Iris. You just do not do it again. You make us worry and you know that that's not a good thing."

Pumunta sa bahay si Paul after getting the news that I'm home already, he was with my bestfriend-cum-kahati with Paul, Frances Arra. Agad agad lumapit sa akin si Paul and agad niya akong niyakap as he whispers how worried he was. Alam niyo, somehow, blessing in disguise na rin na nagkagustuhan ang bestfriend at ang boyfriend ko. At least, once I passed on to the next life, I know that they're in good hands. I would no longer worry about their welfare.

It took a while before I was able to assure them that I am okay, they were quite adamant to know the reason behind me not answering their calls and such. Buti nga, tinulungan ako ni Kuya Alexander to shoo them away, they planned on staying pa kasi just to really make sure that I am okay. Sabay na rin kaming kumain ni Kuya pagka-alis nung dalawa na to be honest, ngayon na lang ulit naming nagawa.

Others might be wondering why I'll what I'll do if I have this kind of people that supports and surrounds me. Others may say that these people are the light at the end of my long, winding, dark tunnel. But does the others know what really happened? Do they know that I already lost my care whether there would be light at this tunnel I am on? Do they know that I am just sick of this tunnel that I just want an easy way out?

When we're about to sleep, I figured that I wanted to spend my last remaining hours with Kuya Alexander. I can safely say this that my brother would not be featured to the remaining videos I have yet to film. He will not be a target for he did not do anything for me take my life. On the contrary, sinasagip pa nga niya ako madalas and without him knowing it. So as to repay him for just being there, I want to be with him. And that's what I did, I knocked on his bedroom door after getting myself ready to sleep, and asked Kuya if it would be fine to sleep with him tonight. Thanks be to heavens when he agreed.

Sigh. This is it, then. I may have less than 24 hours to live. I only have less than a day. My end starts now.