Sloppyjake96
Upcoming writer. BA in creative writing. Love reading and creating stories.
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Sloppyjake967mthPostedHello everyone! I am the author of both Evolving against Extiniction: Jack's Quest for Power and Unveiling the Unknown: Chronicles of Genesis Academy! I love creating dark, gore, and emotional stories! I want to do my best and with the help of comments can go a long way! Let me know what you think with a review!
- Sloppyjake968mthReplied to trophymade
No problem, gotta help out!
This paragraph has been deleted. - Sloppyjake968mthPosted
I love the detail you put in when you explain the violence and gore. You capitalize on it very well. The fights and the flow of your story sink you right in. You do however use weapons that I have never even heard of before especially in the first chapter, I had to look several things up just to know what someone was using. I like how you put information in for some of the bigger names like demigods, Aphrodite. It helps people grasp the names of important figures in your story. You have something really good here and I will be adding it to my collection to see where it goes!
- Sloppyjake968mthCommented
What do you mean by its aura oozed out in the aura?
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Interesting design thus far! I have read up the first three chapters. I got an idea on who Lilith is but I haven't got a clue about how Jay will accomplish this task as he hasn't shown any clues as to how since the start. I can only assume it'll be later in the story. When it comes to him gaining a year of life from seducing and fucking a willing housewife, how exactly does that work? Like does he have to develop a relationship with the wife or just a one night stand and go about his business. Is there a limit? Jay seems to be quite a passive kind of character from what I've read so far. Maybe try to show a more dominate side of him, as an alpha male type of persona. Unless your going for a more timid male that will have a bunch of sugar mama's then sweet go for it! Paragraph breakdowns are pretty solid. I don't get lost reading. You have an interesting story here and I am looking forward to seeing more!
- Sloppyjake968mthCommented
No pregnancy! awww. :(
"Hahaha, don't worry, my pet. This cute little thing would only help you. It will filter out all your seed when you shoot out. After all, you are dead once. You don't want any of your mistresses get pregnant from your undead seed, do you? You can just put it this way. This little cute thing is just a protection, or an invisible condom to you. And as long as you obey my orders, I promise you will never feel it. You see, I am just helping you, my new slave." She was playing his balls like a toy. - Sloppyjake968mthCommented
interesting idea, so potentially he could live for ever? and does he show his age as he grows older or does he have eternal youth? Kinda hard to seduce a wife if your just a bag of wrinkles and joint issues.
"In return, each successful cheating wife you have an affair with will give you extra years of life." She paused to think of some more fun ideas. "And yes. If you fail to satisfy one unhappy wife within one year, the same day next year, I will see you here again." She laughed loudly, apparently, she loved her evil ideas. - Sloppyjake968mthCommented
Is it suppose to say "start over your age 18?" or start over at the age of 18?
"So eager, I like your spirit, my slave." She laughed. "Here is my offer: I will turn back time a year for you, to let you start over your age 18..." - Sloppyjake968mthCommented
Interesting second chapter! You keep it quite interesting, kinda long but good! You have a few spelling mistakes but nothing that can't be read. I like to use Microsoft word as it helps me with my grammar and spelling. If someone has a certain dialect though and the words are exactly spelt right but match how its suppose to be said I ignore it. Great Job, looking forward to the next chapter!
Ch 2 Lilith - Pact with Succubus - Sloppyjake968mthCommented
Have the words broken up a little, since he does have someone making out with him.
"Don't. Please don't. Please let me go..." He finally realized where he was and who was making out with him. Eventually, Lilim disappeared into his balls, just like melting into his balls or maybe he should say digging into his balls. - Sloppyjake968mthCommented
endless sea of possibilities and pleasures. Does that mean Jay's endless possibilities and pleasure? or does that encompass everyone's?
"This way, my dear~" She said, turning towards the door ahead of them. As soon as they opened it, they're greeted by an endless sea of possibilities and pleasures. - Sloppyjake968mthCommented
the last line of this paragraph as a spacing issue, Awesome descriptive work here!
Lilith smiled, pleased at his obedience. She could feel the lust and desire pouring from his body like a river of molten lava. She could see the unfulfilled desires shining in hiseyes like diamonds in the darkness. - Sloppyjake968mthCommented
Is it suppose to be just a monologue between Lilith is Jay?
Lilith, her eyes gleaming like black onyx, slithers closer in the shadows. Lilith beckons to him with a hypnotic smile, her voice laced with suggestion "Welcome to hell, my playground. I see you've got a bit of a roving eye, my new plaything. I love the new soul falling to hell, full of unfulfilled dirty desires, especially the virgin boy's desires. Let's explore the depths of your psyche. Just imagine, my pet… the things you always want to do before sinking to the hell. A game of seduction and control like no other. Play with me… Let me show you what true seduction looks like." - Sloppyjake968mthCommented
Awesome descriptive language!
Amid the charred wreckage and broken dreams, he found himself in a space beyond space, a realm outside the realm of the living. Hellish echoes reverberated, and the specter of death danced through his thoughts. The once-familiar reality had faded, replaced by a visceral experience that defied explanation. This was not the adventure he had envisioned; it was a place where hope waned, and souls languished. - Sloppyjake968mthCommented
Priorities!
He grabbed his camera and tried to take a picture of the scene, hoping to capture his last moments alive. He wanted to leave something behind for his family and friends, something that would tell them he loved them, and he was sorry. - Sloppyjake968mthReplied to AkitoTakahashi
- Sloppyjake968mthReplied to Tarhuala