JohnPaul_Ezeani
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JohnPaul_Ezeani1yrCommentedThis chapter still needs a lot of work. Plot and characters are not consistent. Then there are lots of errors of grammar and tense. Finally, the use of some words was not appropriate. The comment system doesn't allow me to highlight individual problems and it's more difficult to comment on them as a whole using comments. Good luck with your writing.
Ch 4 CHAPTER 6- JohnPaul_Ezeani1yrCommented
And you call Izuko a fierce warrior??? In an earlier paragraph, the princess threatened him and he followed her. Now here, he cannot even stop her from climbing a tree or save her life. Also go through this paragraph and correct grammatical errors.
Izuko was so many things, trained in combat and service but was not a swimmer himself, he was scared of water and therefore could not save the princess, he was screaming and running down the side of the river, exceedingly clueless on what to do. it would be useless if he decided to dive headlong into the river in his bid to serve the princess, the kingdom would end up buying two corps at a time if he did, he prayed to his CHI for grace and the ability to swim just this ones, he readied to take a dip throwing caution to air, of what need was it if he returned to the palace without the prince, he would also get lynched for his cowardice, as he prepared to take a dip, Suddenly a young man emerged from the surrounding thicket and dived straight into the river without breaking a sweat, he swam towards the princess and hauled her out, she lay unconscious for a moment, the man pressed down on her stomach with his strong hands, but it seemed that the princess was long dead, he bent his head over hiding his face from Izuko's view, he triggerred something form within him, an aura, his eyes lit up bright red as he began to suck up the pain that be clouded the unconscious mind, the pains cursed through his vein in a thick dark surge and finally stopped, he further pressed down on her chest, a decoy to cover up the supernatural healing ritual he had performed. he forced the water she had gulped in to flow out through every opening in her body, the princess choked on the water as she strived to draw breath, she coughed and snapped to consciousness, she opened he eyes and meet two pairs of a rather haunting gaze, she freaked out and angrily attacked, smacking the man towering above her across the face. - JohnPaul_Ezeani1yrCommented
Your description of Amanna and is contradicted by way he answered the king. He's supposed to be a competent and stolid person, yet he's stammering?
"My king, Izuko never wanted to but she threatened to make him suffer, so he confided to me in the secret of their way about". Amanna stammered, he was a white-haired man in his 30s, witty with words and swift with actions, the exuberance of three men in one, he did not stress to become a chief guard but rather his outstanding services to the royal house and the kingdom at large made it glaring that there couldn't be a person more qualified than he to have such an honour. - JohnPaul_Ezeani1yrCommented
Errors of grammar and tense. Revise where necessary.
"What nonsense? Who granted her access to the gate?" The King's anger aggravated, he has never been this angry in a long time, it was quite clear that his brother's betrayal still hurts him so badly, there was no amount of punishment and not even a death sentence could pacify the heart of the king nor alleviate the burden of the death of an entire province of his kingdom under his watch, it was quite clear that he is transferring his aggression to everyone. - JohnPaul_Ezeani1yrCommented
He cannot be distraught if he's hanging between delight and anger. Neither words go with 'distraught'. Always consult the dictionary for the meaning of the words you use. Furthermore, why is he afraid that the princess would consider the offer?
The King was so distraught instead, that he was hanging between delight and anger, he feared if his daughter Princess Olaedo would at least consider this since she had not received a suitor for the past month. - JohnPaul_Ezeani1yrCommented
"Prepare to receive us" Does this not sound disrespectful? Or is this other king that superior to King Dunuse?
"I write to inform you that my son and his entourage will be coming to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage, we shall be coming with a great number of witnesses from beyond Africa. Prepare to receive us." - JohnPaul_Ezeani1yrCommented
Remove comma after Azukah
To: Your Majesty, King DUNUSE of the great AZUKAH, KINGDOM.