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Deadshot269

Deadshot269

Lv1
2022-08-10 JoinedGlobal
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Writing

0.4h

of reading

90

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5

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72
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Commented

    I am sure this guy was weirded out for a second

    Ayana almost flinched from sudden call and turned around to yell at him for disrupting her thoughts. But as she saw his huge body silhouette, she stepped back from fear and responded cautiously.
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    Love N' Cheese
    Urban · Sneakycat098
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Commented

    should've thrown that coffee at him

    "Okay. So in short, after their conversation ended, you showed in front of them out of nowhere, and SPLASH! You threw a whole jar of water on that jerk. As if that wasn't enough, you even blurted out that embarrassing incident of him wetting his pants on rollercoaster in front of everyone! Bwahaha! That's so like you! Though, I am quite surprised you didn't raised your fist this time."
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    Love N' Cheese
    Urban · Sneakycat098
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Commented

    disbelief should be running through Ayana's head right now

    "But well, maybe, you aren't completely wrong. It's partially because of that friend too." He shamelessly switched.
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    Love N' Cheese
    Urban · Sneakycat098
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Commented

    a small correction: 'a staff' instead of 'an staff'

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    Love N' Cheese
    Urban · Sneakycat098
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Posted

    So the Characters are fleshed out. That is the first thing, aside from that I have always been intrigued by the idea of making potions and how do they work. There is however a couple of changes I would recommend. The first is to cut down big paragraphs which makes it harder to read. The second is to not use pronouns excessively. Apart from that, I don't see many issues with this. Great writing!

    altalt
    Aithne: Daughter of the Flame
    Fantasy · Harleeyah24
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Posted

    It is good. I just think that if you give a character two options one of them being clearly looking better than the other, I don't think they would choose a demi demon over a demon. You might want to show their thought process behind it

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    A Sword Demon In Naruto
    Anime & Comics · Kneesdeep24
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Replied to Louis_Hometo

    Done. Just divided the chapters in half or smaller, to match the word count

    altalt
    The World's Consciousness
    Fantasy · Deadshot269
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Replied to AleeqaC

    Done. Split them into smaller ones. Each one of them

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    The World's Consciousness
    Fantasy · Deadshot269
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Posted

    The plot is good but the SPAG is not...but the plot is good. Nice job author...just a small advise to use Grammarly in the future...it will make it much better

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    Reincarnated as a Dragoness
    Fantasy · Yumera
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Posted

    Okay, so your writing style is good. I like the world-building as well, and honestly, there isn't much I have to suggest. Keep up the good work. I like your side characters more is what I have to say

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    Serene and The Six Realms
    Fantasy · Sunny_Shumail
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Posted

    Your descriptions are amazing! The humor is a nice touch during these times. The characters need to be a little more fleshed but that might be because the story is in earlier phases. Looking forward to more updates

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    Catching the Wind
    Fantasy · Natashia_Lou
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Commented

    time travel?

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    A Woman called god.
    Fantasy · Little_Amani18
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Replied to Little_Amani18

    I mean...this hooded person feels like the one who killed that mermaid you know...they also say what they have is borrowed

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    A Woman called god.
    Fantasy · Little_Amani18
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Commented

    the mermaid?

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    A Woman called god.
    Fantasy · Little_Amani18
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Commented

    this woman strong

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    A Woman called god.
    Fantasy · Little_Amani18
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Replied to An_Average_Author

    what they are doing is taking law into their hands...

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    The World's Consciousness
    Fantasy · Deadshot269
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Posted

    I mean fabulous!!! super interesting writing style and everything is easy to read. Moreover there is humor mixed in as well so this deserves more than what it has

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    Ant Society
    Fantasy · An_Average_Author
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Commented

    Time to GTFO!!!!

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    Ant Society
    Fantasy · An_Average_Author
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Commented

    I mean...checking all skills he has is necessary you know...what if he gets into some trouble and needs a skill

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    Ant Society
    Fantasy · An_Average_Author
    detail
  • Deadshot269
    Deadshot2691yr
    Replied to NB00000

    yup

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    The World's Consciousness
    Fantasy · Deadshot269
    detail