Elementary72
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Elementary721yrCommentedflight is awesome I love the build up
He felt thankful. All the sufferings he had experienced were worth the price for this paradise. He had two loving parents, a dream-like world, and reality-bending power that he didn't dare to imagine.- Elementary721yrCommented
past few paragraphs help build a piece of the world
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perfect contextualization for charcter views
Time worked differently for Eve and Hujarar. For them, four months was a blink of an eye, but for Aldred, it was quite a long time. - Elementary721yrCommented
paragraph structure was good however the action would be rocking the baby back and forth as shaking babies is dangerous
Eve kissed his forehead and stood up from her seat. She softly shook him up and down while singing him a lullaby song. Her voice was ethereal beyond measure like it came from heaven itself. - Elementary721yrCommented
like this paragraph finally context in full to a charcter
History: Demon King Hujarar was crowned as the King of Hell at the age of 7 when he killed the king of that era. He was feared by many and proved to be a lethal threat to the universe. A thousand ancient beings felt threatened by his existence, but only a hundred of them stood up and fought against him. After countless millenniums of battle, Hujarar made a deal for peace, conquering more than a million worlds and presenting them to the ancient beings as the price for his peace. - Elementary721yrCommented
didn't see this coming
Power: Immortality, Control Reality, Domain Administrator, Universal Gate... - Elementary721yrCommented
this sounds like it should have followed before the child had his blessings anounced
Aldred felt a divine aura wash all over him, and even though he was still a baby he believed he could lift a large boulder with his hand alone. He wasn't sure if this was overconfident of him or not, but he definitely felt strength and power inside of him. - Elementary721yrCommented
the scene still hasn't been made
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context is missing
It shone with brilliant light mixed with various colors, creating rainbows as they moved about in the air before entering his body. - Elementary721yrCommented
this is a good statement
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the daughter doesn't seem to act her age
"No, dear. The name will be given by the blessing of the gods," Eve said. She nodded to Hujarar. - Elementary721yrCommented
behavior of the characters doesn't seem to match the way you treat a baby
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Grammar is off should hold as a reply
"Yes, dear," Eve said. - Elementary721yrCommented
shouldn't stand alone
"Mom, Dad, can I come inside now?" A voice beautiful voice asked. - Elementary721yrCommented
the scene is still lacking although now we can tell the baby isnt in her arms
Both of them went in each other's embrace like a loving family. - Elementary721yrCommented
shouldn't be a free standing paragraph
"It cannot be done without you, love." - Elementary721yrCommented
where are they how is this scene progressing the environment is not described enough to help the reader
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scene gets confusing as i have to balance all the statements to grasp the scene
The man kissed the woman on the head. "We finally get our happy ever after, Eve."