This looks really promising I can't wait to really get into it!

I have some advice for you. when writing you generally want to put dialogue on a separate line from the narration, also make sure two characters' dialogue isn't on the same line. And I would urge you do try to be more descriptive, for example, instead of "short black hair", how about "shoulder-length silky black locks" Finally I would say try pay more attention to grammar and punctuation they are important in terms of clarity. The story seems promising but editing makes a huge difference.