XKindredx_XSoulsx
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XKindredx_XSoulsx2yrCommentedI'm confused, when and where did she get this "bat stick"?
She wandered to a shop that sold alcoholic beers and bought one. Her lips curled into a grin and her grip on the bat stick in her hand tightened as deep rage burned strongly within her. Her next destination is home.- XKindredx_XSoulsx2yrCommented
Writing is a little blow by blow and rough so far. Try putting in more descriptions of the characters, the surroundings, or their thoughts and feelings. I can see a certain irreverent sense of humour here that would play better with smoother writing showcasing it. Also, you should start a new paragraph whenever the speaker changes. Not only is this an actual writing rule, but it can get confusing easily for the reader if you don't follow it.
Ch 1 Walking in the woodss - XKindredx_XSoulsx2yrCommented
Not sure if putting the "oclock" before the "seven" is grammatically incorrect or just weird. If the latter, then I will defend to death your right to be weird. lol Also, you're missing the apostrophe in o'clock
I checked the time on my phone for what seems like the hundredth time since I got in the car and it was three minutes left to clock seven. - XKindredx_XSoulsx2yrCommented
ceases not seized
This man never seizes to amuse me, I mean just looking at him could send you reeling in laughter. - XKindredx_XSoulsx2yrCommented
Where is this school that the nurse can just hand out medication like this? What type of medication? Might make a difference. And why hasn't she been sent to the hospital for what sounds like a bleeding head wound and loss of consciousness? I mean covering up for the local golden child I can see, but the rest seems unlikely and potentially illegal. Although I can't be certain on the legalities of handing out medication since I don't recall if we've been told WHERE this is set. Sounds like America or Canada given the names of the characters... I'm not trying to complain, but I can't help it since I am legitimately confused by this.
"your bandage would need to be changed every three days considering the bleeding. Your medication is to be taken thrice daily. Morning, Afternoon and night endeavor not to miss it cause you're on some antibiotics. oh and your blood tonic is to be taken only once by the time you choose" - XKindredx_XSoulsx2yrCommented
Not "him suspension" but rather "him with suspension"
" yeah am sure" I was done reporting Hunter. All they would do was warn him or threaten give him suspension which they never would. - XKindredx_XSoulsx2yrCommented
I don't know if you've done your editing pass or are still planning one, but just in case: There's a super obvious typo in this paragraph...
She knows fully well that I am not happy here and she knows all that has been going on between Hunter and Iq, but at least am glad that although there is nothing she can do about it, she makes you feel like she cares. - XKindredx_XSoulsx2yrCommented
I think the word order you want is "both my parents employer" and also "parents employer" is possessive here and should be "parents' employer"
My parents don't want to report Hunter to the authorities because Hunter's parents are my both parents employer. So they feel if they harm their son it would cost them their job. - XKindredx_XSoulsx2yrPosted
I'm at chapter 32 and so far this is quite good. Simply riddled with mixed up pronouns, but nothing you can't infer a correction with context. The storyline and characters however have me hooked. Occasionally the story had a slightly preposterous moment, but usually it seems intentional and charming. Can't wait to read on!
- XKindredx_XSoulsx2yrCommented
Questioning the very public male on female physical abuses likelihood, but suspending my disbelief to see where it goes. It's certainly well written so far. There is a tendency towards quirky word choice, which is sometimes interesting or funny and sometimes merely leaves me puzzled. Still wondering how one "stylishly" scans an area...
Ch 2 01- Hopeful - XKindredx_XSoulsx2yrCommented
All right, you invited the grammar Nazi, so here I am: You're missing the word "be" between "would" and "gruesome".
I've tried, it never ended well. Whenever I got caught next would gruesome. - XKindredx_XSoulsx2yrCommented
Does anyone know what a popliteal is?
Shen Yan's popliteal area was covered with the marks left by Fu Xiaoxiao's high-heeled shoes. The bloodstains were mottled, just like her shattered heart.