LonerGirl
Lv1
I Live in California and love the beach, typewriters my three dogs and writing stories I hope people will enjoy! Also please check out my website Lonergirlwrites.com
2021-09-24 JoinedUnited States
-d
Writing
1h
of reading
16
Read books
Badges
4Moments
30
LonerGirl2yrCommentedSo good
"One would think a murderer would pay better attention to their own trial," A gruff voice rang out, Katherine turned her head back in front of her at the vampire with the silver slicked back hair, "I would introduce my advisor Ivan but unfortunately he was blown to pieces. Right, Miss Deighton?"- LonerGirl2yrCommented
Loving the story!
Katherine stood at the wooden podium in the middle of the room with her hands bound together with a witch's chain. She stood there deep in thought with her eyes cast down on the surface of the podium in front of her while Marianne introduced herself. How could she have been so wrong about the man she saved, this whole time she thought it was some lowly human that she would never be seeing again and yet here he was as an advisor to the wolf high councilor. - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Reacher,
When Katherine finally reacher her room she immediately jumped on to the sheer black canopy covered four poster bed face down with a groan. Her room was located all the way in the back of the manor in the south wing, she didn't mind it as she had a view of the back gardens and surrounding forest from her balcony. Katherine put her hands under her chin, she wished she had time to take a nap before the trial but her stroll through the manor ate through the little time she had. - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Try using she, or another way without using her name so much.
"Be ready in an hour, Mother moved up the trial," She heard Adelaide call out with a sniffle. Katherine ignored her sisters words and made her way though the stone and marble threshold. - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Stick to one POV Katherine’s or Adelaide’s.
Adelaide went to reach back out to Katherine again but stopped half way and dropped her hand back to her side. Katherine shoved past Adelaide making her way to the manor entrance. - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Sophie ? Sticking with Sophia is better.
"I didn't think so. When are you going to get your head out of the clouds and become a productive member of this family" Sophie scolded and pinched the bridge of her nose, "Don't you ever get tired of being the weakest link in the coven?" - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Refrain for?
"I don't remember saying this was up for debate," scolded Marianne who turned to Cassie, "Cassandra, I appreciate the phone call, but refrain for doing it again in the future." - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Shouldered?
"Now that's a good girl," Marianne sneered. She shoulder into Mabel as she stepped past with her eyes on the chalk circle with Dorian still asleep in the middle. Marianne's eyes wandered over each symbol and rune before meeting eyes with Katherine. - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Making?
Katherine pushed herself up making as Dorian rolled over to his back groaning in pain. Even though she hadn't felt any residual magic from where Dorian had touched the vampire she didn't want to take any chances. She got up from the hard floor and snapped her fingers for all the blood and brains to disappear just as Alice ran into the dimly lit kitchen. - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Gory. I never saw this coming and I like it!
The vampires' head and both feet exploded with a loud pop as Katherine froze in place with her hands still on his chest. Blood and vampire brains spattered the beach but Katherine got the bulk of it. The creatures blood was speckled and spritzed all over Katherine's face and clothes, bits of brain clung to her cheeks and forehead as she sat in shock, horrified at what just occurred. It was an accident, she hadn't meant to blow him up, in her defense he was already dead. - LonerGirl2yrCommented
interesting
This paragraph has been deleted. - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Ooh getting better!
This paragraph has been deleted. - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Love where the story is going but I think this paragraph is a little confusing, maybe too complicated.
This paragraph has been deleted. - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Love the descriptions and details.
The wind had picked up and the crisp ocean air sliced through Katherine's clothes as she made her way around the empty brick shop buildings to get to the cobbled beach stairs at the beach entrance. The clouds in the sky had turned a dark smokey grey and Katherine could almost feel the storm in the air threatening to consume the small town. - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Love the insertion of all these tiny details that is really making this story come alive!
Katherine had once heard a rumor that the Elder werewolves had a secret portal to the human realm hidden away deep within the Forest of Wolves that could not be detected by witches. At the time she figured it was just anti-wolf propaganda that her mother spouted off, but perhaps there was truth to it? Maybe there was something Dante had left in the library Cassie spoke of. Oh Dante, Katherine internally sighed. - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Side note, werewolves should be one word. But love the story so far and can't wait to read more. I love the world building the author is doing and the tension building as well. Great Job!!
"How did you know they were wolves?" Katherine whispered back not wanting Alice or Dorian hear them speak about the other creatures. Creatures had to have special permission from the council to come to the human realm. The application process itself could take months, if not years, needing a valid reason to be accepted. There was no reason for wolves to come to Seabright, the only creatures within five hundred miles were all currently inside the apartment. - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Love that these conflicts are being revealed through this dialogue. It really shows the emotions and feelings that are at stake.
Katherine's eyes were as wide as saucers and her mouth hung open in surprise as she threw her hands up defensively in front of her, she hadn't expected Cassie to pull her back down or yell about her love for Dante. She had never loved him in a romantic way, or did she? Katherine was more confused than ever. Cassie and Dante were both her friends but with the intensity in Cassie's eyes that loomed over her it felt like she had to choose a side to take and Dante wasn't even here anymore. - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Great building of tension!
"Dante knew you were in love with him and yet he made you sit at our dinner table while he gushed over how much he loved his life here!" Cassie yelled exasperated,"He made you teach our children magic while he lied to both of us." - LonerGirl2yrCommented
Great character revealing trait about the mom. She doesn't trust men.
"A man is a man, it doesn't matter whether he is a werewolf, vampire, witch, or creature they are all liars including Dante Youngblood" Cassie said impatiently, "I'm trying to make you understand something I found out before he left for The Valley." - LonerGirl2yrCommented
I think this paragraph has great conflict about the Youngblood father but also the conflict within Katherine herself. Was the father good or bad? I can't wait to find out !
Katherine was stunned, she didn't put him on a pedestal he had been her best friend, the person she grew up with. She was only allowed to come to the human realm because Dante helped her, he saved her time and time again from her awful family, with Dante they were equals. She had know Dante for seventy-four more years than Cassie, she may have been married to him but that didn't mean she understood him.