yo man love the story and where it's going now but I do have a problem with how little dialogue there is in the story and with how the theme is more tell then it is show .

well with Cocytos when I reread it one more time I could picture him saying it so yeah you have a point but as for aura well it's where you could have shown where the mc stands in the eyes of npcs that don't have direct connection to her like chaltear being a vampire or Cocytos being a warrior so that we the readers get to know how tomb would see her as or even better how the other supreme beings see her as which they would share with their creation from time to time. As for Albedo yeah as I explained her intentions are obvious and I'm cool with it but as I said it's the way you write that didn't really sit right with me as you could write it like this " you Lord momonga are the leader of the supreme beings and the man that I love and lady (mc) is the most loyal and companionate of the supremes and the one that chose to stay behind with our lord" or something like this. of course this is just my opinion and you could disregard it if you want.

so is this Thanos not the one who wants to impress Death.

I mean specifically Cocytos, aura and maybe Albedo ( which would be because of how she said it ) as with Cocytos as what he said about the mc just came out of nowhere and with aura with how little her opinion of the mc was ( she just said the mc was just great helper for momonga which was pretty lacking in a way).

yeah this part of them saying what they thought of the supreme beings just didn't sound right, where the opinion of the npcs about the mc just didn't sound like a real opinion of her but like something that someone is forcing them to say about her ( in this case it's you author)

the story needs some grammar touch ups but otherwise it's a way better intro than the last one, this one feels more alive while the past one felt more complicated and unfeeling in a way so hat's off on that author.

is this a Warhammer reference 🤔

your fanfic lacks dialogue my dude, while your writing style is good without more dialogue and more interactions with the other characters the ponies in the story don't really feel alive and seem more a passing mention.

*her

well this certainly is different for a my little pony fanfic but I guess it could be interesting . Although if he starts to act all happy go lucky then yeah this prologue would be so out of place and even a wasted backstory .

this would've Ben the best system story ever if he chose no.

then from where should I start reading to not have to leave comments like these again.

what Astoria ? since when did Lancelot knew about her real name and by extension her gender ? also why would he call her by name and not "my king", he's her freaking knight not her equal. yo man you really have problems with staying consistent with the time period.

??????

yep even though it's still pretty good grammical errors are still obvious to see. Although you said in the synopses that there would be such problem it doesn't mean it should stay that way man.

needs some fixing, the grammar is pretty sub par .

what? can't it just be normal ??

okay but what about the others?

it's a pretty good story you just need to work more on the dialogue, it feels pretty robotic and monotone.

huh, I guess you did say that he appears to be 10. but you should know that you should still say that even though he appears like that he's still 5 to avoid any future misunderstanding also this is just a tangent of mine but to authors have to making their mcs who are young appear like they're 5 to 10 years older than they should be, it's cool to have the mcs look their age, nothing says bigger has to always mean stronger or better, having the strength but in small body has more charm and interest to me than the unnaturally big type .