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Vicky_Fox

Vicky_Fox

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2021-06-16 JoinedGlobal
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  • Vicky_Fox
    Vicky_Fox2yr
    Commented

    Target Acquired. I'll look through more of this later. Need to get some dinner ♥

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    Whispers of The Ethereal
    Fantasy · ShyLunaria
    detail
  • Vicky_Fox
    Vicky_Fox2yr
    Commented

    First sentence kind of sounds like an RP action. Some more description of the scene here might fix this. "/Aria's/ journey" Really nailing it in here that her name is Aria. "of Etherville/ the capital // Marenveil/ came" Need some commas in here an an "of"

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    Whispers of The Ethereal
    Fantasy · ShyLunaria
    detail
  • Vicky_Fox
    Vicky_Fox2yr
    Commented

    "/sleeveless/ vest" Vests are sleeveless. "trails that /falls" just above" tense error. "black /finger less/ gloves, /darken/ leather /booths/"

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    Whispers of The Ethereal
    Fantasy · ShyLunaria
    detail
  • Vicky_Fox
    Vicky_Fox2yr
    Commented

    "her /spear/ tipped" Before this was described as "pear tipped", does she have two? One for bludgeoning one for piercing? "her pair of /blacken/ horns" "behind your /ears/" X "hollow /blacken/ horns which /replaces the standard humanoid ears/." Her ears, that she doesn't have! Bamboozled!

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    Whispers of The Ethereal
    Fantasy · ShyLunaria
    detail
  • Vicky_Fox
    Vicky_Fox2yr
    Commented

    "creep /trough/ the cracks" "The golden rays of dawn" "littered in the Dawn's light" Consistent capitalization, intentional?

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    Whispers of The Ethereal
    Fantasy · ShyLunaria
    detail
  • Vicky_Fox
    Vicky_Fox2yr
    Commented

    "as a time worn silver bracelet." What the bracelet doin'? "voice slowly /got/ softer and" The rest of this sentence is in present tense,

    This chapter has been deleted.
    Whispers of The Ethereal
    Fantasy · ShyLunaria
    detail
  • Vicky_Fox
    Vicky_Fox2yr
    Commented

    "Woolen pillow // which // needlework" I feel like an "of" and "the" are missing here.

    This chapter has been deleted.
    Whispers of The Ethereal
    Fantasy · ShyLunaria
    detail
  • Vicky_Fox
    Vicky_Fox2yr
    Commented

    Plants haven't been mentioned in this scene before so "several /more/ ambitious plants" is somewhat out of place. Unless the point here is to denote that there are more plants than last time she was here which if true should be possibly be clarified. "have slowly /begin/ to reclaim" should be "begun"

    This chapter has been deleted.
    Whispers of The Ethereal
    Fantasy · ShyLunaria
    detail
  • Vicky_Fox
    Vicky_Fox2yr
    Commented

    "along /its its/ length" "she continued /trough/ the sand" Also some usage of commas here would be, whilst not entirely necessary, good for sentence flow.

    This chapter has been deleted.
    Whispers of The Ethereal
    Fantasy · ShyLunaria
    detail
  • Vicky_Fox
    Vicky_Fox2yr
    Commented

    The second sentence here has tense issues; dusted, contrasted, covers. past, past, present.

    This chapter has been deleted.
    Whispers of The Ethereal
    Fantasy · ShyLunaria
    detail
  • Vicky_Fox
    Vicky_Fox2yr
    Commented

    Grammatical tense issues: "in the /shaped/ of a shield" Plural issues: "dark purple /iris/ which inspects"

    This chapter has been deleted.
    Whispers of The Ethereal
    Fantasy · ShyLunaria
    detail
  • Vicky_Fox
    Vicky_Fox2yr
    Commented

    This appears to be a question but has no ?.

    This chapter has been deleted.
    Whispers of The Ethereal
    Fantasy · ShyLunaria
    detail