Jolan_Hildebrandt
Writing
of reading
252
Read books
Your descriptions are a bit rough and tell more than they show. It might be better to play with it. Include sensations of the bride
You can easily combine this with the above paragraph because your still talking about that night
This doesn't make sense. You can't catch a cold from the cold. You can catch hyperthermia or pneumonia, just saying I live in a place where it gets -50 sometimes
You have a great story idea, and I'm sure you've improved since the first chapter. You didn't choke the first chapter with exposition, thank you for that. Too many authors get excited and fill the page with things that could easily be woven into the story. You stayed on point and kept the story moving at a decent pace. However, what got me were the weak verbs and the constant telling. Take some time to bone up on show vs tell and your piece will shine
Try to avoid words like looked and walked, they serve their purpose and everything, but words like scanned, raked, stared have more action to them
nice way to bring the setting in
I'd find a way to combine this paragraph with the above, your still talking about the same person
do you really need this?
IS there something wrong with naming the character in the scene
you might want to edit this paragraph a little
But I'm about the best story I can produce
IF I read a chapter and I think it sucks, I'll scrap it and start over
you should see how hard I am on myself
I come hard core critique groups it's all about improvement. It's habit more than anything. I am always about doing better
How did no one hear Gal's tirade? Jordan's hot temper and devil-may-care attitude caused conflict on more than one occasion.