Ashura_Omega
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Ashura_Omega1yrCommentedI don't understand. Where they brainwashed or not?
Though they were trained since they were six, by the time they were twelve, their immaturity was still evident. As children, they were brainwashed into contributing to the family, but if asked what they wanted to do, they would reply, "I want to contribute to my family." While heartwarming from a child's perspective, it was dreadful for someone like Adrien.- Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
Again, introduce the ranks in the novel.
As for living a luxurious life without doing anything, no such thing exists. Moreover, for someone to truly be considered a true family member, one must at least be an apprentice. If not, then he would have to marry and procreate until a worthy descendant is born. Living a life of a pig, or so they were threatened when they slacked off. - Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
How are they similar? Care to elaborate?
According to the books in his family library, adepts are somewhat similar to wizards. - Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
This is wrong. Even though you put the grade's in chapter 0, at least explain it in the novel before you start through around ranks. It will flesh out the novel more.
On his first day, his great aunt, who was a Grade-3 Adept as well, looked at him and discovered everything about him being a transmigrator as well as his memories from his past life. Though, as he had imagined, nothing like dissecting him or something like that ever happened. - Ashura_Omega1yrReplied to boredperson
Oh, I see. I didn't understand the phraseing.
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrReplied to boredperson
Yes. It is a form of expression. And now I understand why the grammar is bad. Although I rated this story bad, the plot looks like it is going somewhere. I won't be returning to this book, but I hope you get better. Maybe use Grammarly. I will help you with your English.
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrPosted
This is bad. The author is too inexperienced with really bad grammar and story structure. Or maybe they just threw this together in 30 minutes or something. Either way, this is bad.
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
his
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
Ok. He was thinking. It would be best to add it to the last sentence.
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
Speaking or thinking?
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
Why is he in an orphanage? I know why since I can guess why but put it in the story. Put Julius memories in the story, explaining the former body's past
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
Is he screaming or thinking? In this context, he should be screaming.
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
Ok, I am confused. I thought he fell while standing at the door and watching the girl named Seras. Is he inside his room now? If so, how did he get in? If he isn't inside, how did no one notice him laying on the ground?
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrReplied to boredperson
I understand what he is thinking, but what lead him to this thought? Why did he decide to live like a recluse?
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
This is good. I was about to say something about the last paragraph but saw this one. Even so, change it to, "It's probably because these memories came to him from a third-person perspective." He mumbled, massaging his temple while recounting the moment he got the memory of this body's old owner. "Just like watching someone else growing up after all."
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
No need for inwardly here. Also, is he relived? Sad? Angry? What is he feeling with this thought?
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
I feel nothing. This memory should have more depth.
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
Why?
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
He should lose control of his body AFTER he feels the pain. Something like "The pain struck through his body like a bolt of lightning, causing his mind to go blank. With no control of his body, he fell face first on the ground, his consciousness slowly fading."
This book has been deleted. - Ashura_Omega1yrCommented
He jumped to conclusions too quickly.
This book has been deleted.