Maria_Mahnic
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Maria_Mahnic3yrReplied to Silver_wings568She meant well.
Then Alex pitched forward. The book she had just held in her hands suddenly flew forward right out of her grasp. Someone's arm snaked its way around her waist as another arm reached around her in an attempt to grab the flying book. Everything seemed to slow down as Alex watched long fingers brush the edge of the book, which continued its journey right into the middle of the fire. She stood frozen as the book made a sizzling sound followed by a "POOF".- Maria_Mahnic3yrCommented
I like the pacing. I’m not bored and I’m not feeling rushed. I also like you’re use of description here.q My only suggestion is to remove your use of “the singer” when describing Haruki. You’ve already told us he’s a singer. We don’t need to be reminded of that fact since him being a singer is irrelevant to this situation. It’s more important to emphasize Haruki’s emotions/confusion. So far I like where this is going. It’s not what I expected in a good way. 😁
Ch 3 Dragged into an Otome Harem - Maria_Mahnic3yrCommented
Do you mean “younger”?
This paragraph has been deleted. - Maria_Mahnic3yrCommented
Wording suggestion: Perhaps you could say these two lines differently? “The boy jumped in surprise, holding the flute as if it were some kind of weapon. Haruki, calmly sat down.”
This paragraph has been deleted. - Maria_Mahnic3yrCommented
This is a really good start. I’m drawn in and eager to read more. I only provide comments that are meant to help the writer (pointing out grammatical errors or suggestions). Some writers don’t like this. As such I will only continue to comment if you would like me to. Thanks for the pleasant read.
Ch 1 Falling for a Drawing - Maria_Mahnic3yrReplied to Maria_Mahnic
Also, it should say “drawing of a male” not “male drawing”. The first implies the drawing is of a male subject, where as the second implies a male drew the picture. 😉
The character was attractive, and Haruki was embarrassed that a) he was attracted to a drawing and b) he was attracted to a male drawing. - Maria_Mahnic3yrReplied to Maria_Mahnic
Lol - here I am making a suggestion and I made a spelling error. Please excuse the error. It should be writing not writting.
Kenta made a little heart with his fingers in thanks for the compliment. - Maria_Mahnic3yrCommented
Writting suggestion: the next 5 lines - instead of “he” add the characrer’s name to clarify who is talking. It is easy for the reader to get lost here. I would put the character name just in place of the first “he” and then leave the rest. 🙂
Kenta made a little heart with his fingers in thanks for the compliment. - Maria_Mahnic3yrCommented
Grammatical suggestion: maybe make the a) and b) lower case. It tends to be a bit more pleasing to the eye. :)
The character was attractive, and Haruki was embarrassed that a) he was attracted to a drawing and b) he was attracted to a male drawing. - Maria_Mahnic3yrCommented
I have a few things to say. First, I am really enjoying this story. I love the fast pace and I am able to connect with the main character. There are definately a lot of emotions. I feel there is maybe a bit too much *** with little explination or set up/background. I get Will is in the film industry and I assume it’s ***** filming. However, I feel like that is more just an excuse to include a lot of ***. Second, I would love to get inside Jayden’s head. I get that he is an asshole and likely lived his whole life being taught that he owned the world. I would just like to know what he is thinking. For example, is he losing his mind and his control?
Ch 10 Chapter 10