Clone_v2
An amateur "writer" opening the tap on his imagination.
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Clone_v21mthCommentedSo now the chapter titles are starting to make sense.
"A man named Elias."- Clone_v21mthCommented
Oh?
I sighed deeply, and made my choice. If he had survived his whole life here, then it probably isn't a good idea to force him to integrate into society. I've been in his shoes before... - Clone_v21mthCommented
A forest child?
"I... What?" - Clone_v21mthCommented
The grammar here lends itself to confusion.
This paragraph has been deleted. - Clone_v21mthCommented
"permit us" not "permitted us"
This paragraph has been deleted. - Clone_v21mthReplied to 87w
Ohh... This is very helpful. There are some things I can't do much about, but others, such as your dialogue suggestions, that is absolute gold. I can't thank you enough, with your suggestions I think I can much better realise my vision for this series. As for the update rate, I'm going to continue with the slow updates until around March, at which point, I'll have enough chapters stockpiled to release daily. I can't thank you enough for your review. :D
- Clone_v21mthCommented
This kinda reminded me of The Sun Rising by John Donne. "Busy old fool, unruly sun, Why dost thou thus, Through windows, and through curtains call on us?" Not strictly relevant, but it was nice. It enhanced my experience with this paragraph.
"Ugh, annoying birds." I rubbed my eyes and sat up from my slumber. I stretched out my arms and felt soreness spread throughout my whole body. - Clone_v21mthCommented
Smart. Though some might argue that the best defence is an overwhelming offence. While she's in the care of the Vanguard, it might have been better to develop her offensive capabilities and trust that her companions can cover for her weaknesses.
There would be no point if I die first. In games, I would definitely go for intelligence to quickly rack up magic power and acquire skills. But, in real life with no spawn system and no guaranteed healer or healing item, I must prioritize my safety first over greedily increasing my magic. There's no point in being strong if you can get one-hit-KO'd. Especially when you might need to fight alone one day. - Clone_v21mthCommented
Sneaky. I approve.
"I've passed the line." - Clone_v21mthCommented
Repetition of the word "wind" is a bit excessive here.
This paragraph has been deleted. - Clone_v21mthCommented
"knew" not "know"
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How did the MC know it was cherry flavoured?
General Zhang just sat there, popping a new cherry-flavored lollipop into his mouth, "nice try~ next one please~" - Clone_v21mthCommented
The constant tense shifting is somewhat maddening.
This paragraph has been deleted. - Clone_v21mthCommentedCh 7 CHAPTER 7: ELIAS (3)
- Clone_v21mthCommented
"On the shoulder" Not "In the shoulder"
This paragraph has been deleted. - Clone_v21mthCommented
coughs are effects, not dialogue. It shouldn't be within speech marks.
"Wait-- cough! Cough! Akh--" I coughed loudly and gasped for air, filling my lungs with much-needed air that I didn't realize I forgot to take in. - Clone_v21mthCommented
This might just be nitpickery, but I think effects would be better in asterisks. Single or double inverted commas are used for speech generally, the other tends to be used for quotations within speech as well as direct thought, so using it for sound effects is somewhat confusing.
'STAB' - Clone_v21mthCommented
She's one person, how would she know that nobody knew what made that cracking sound? It's outside of her POV.
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"With as much force as I could muster" or "As hard as I could" Would work better than "As strong as I could"
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