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Clone_v2

Clone_v2

Lv1

An amateur "writer" opening the tap on his imagination.

2020-11-18 JoinedUnited Kingdom
-d

Writing

8.5h

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177
  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    So now the chapter titles are starting to make sense.

    "A man named Elias."
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
    detail
  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    Oh?

    I sighed deeply, and made my choice. If he had survived his whole life here, then it probably isn't a good idea to force him to integrate into society. I've been in his shoes before...
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
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  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    A forest child?

    "I... What?"
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
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  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    The grammar here lends itself to confusion.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
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  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    "permit us" not "permitted us"

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
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  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Replied to 87w

    Ohh... This is very helpful. There are some things I can't do much about, but others, such as your dialogue suggestions, that is absolute gold. I can't thank you enough, with your suggestions I think I can much better realise my vision for this series. As for the update rate, I'm going to continue with the slow updates until around March, at which point, I'll have enough chapters stockpiled to release daily. I can't thank you enough for your review. :D

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    Ember's Crown
    Fantasy · Clone_v2
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  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Replied to Phantom_Raven

    Why not?

    Ch 4 Parasites
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    Parasyte System
    Fantasy · KJun
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  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    This kinda reminded me of The Sun Rising by John Donne. "Busy old fool, unruly sun, Why dost thou thus, Through windows, and through curtains call on us?" Not strictly relevant, but it was nice. It enhanced my experience with this paragraph.

    "Ugh, annoying birds." I rubbed my eyes and sat up from my slumber. I stretched out my arms and felt soreness spread throughout my whole body.
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
    detail
  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    Smart. Though some might argue that the best defence is an overwhelming offence. While she's in the care of the Vanguard, it might have been better to develop her offensive capabilities and trust that her companions can cover for her weaknesses.

    There would be no point if I die first. In games, I would definitely go for intelligence to quickly rack up magic power and acquire skills. But, in real life with no spawn system and no guaranteed healer or healing item, I must prioritize my safety first over greedily increasing my magic. There's no point in being strong if you can get one-hit-KO'd. Especially when you might need to fight alone one day.
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
    detail
  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    Sneaky. I approve.

    "I've passed the line."
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
    detail
  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    Repetition of the word "wind" is a bit excessive here.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
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  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    "knew" not "know"

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
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  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    How did the MC know it was cherry flavoured?

    General Zhang just sat there, popping a new cherry-flavored lollipop into his mouth, "nice try~ next one please~"
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
    detail
  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    The constant tense shifting is somewhat maddening.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
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  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    I like how well thought-out the magic system is.

    Ch 7 CHAPTER 7: ELIAS (3)
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
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  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    "On the shoulder" Not "In the shoulder"

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
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  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    coughs are effects, not dialogue. It shouldn't be within speech marks.

    "Wait-- cough! Cough! Akh--" I coughed loudly and gasped for air, filling my lungs with much-needed air that I didn't realize I forgot to take in.
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
    detail
  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    This might just be nitpickery, but I think effects would be better in asterisks. Single or double inverted commas are used for speech generally, the other tends to be used for quotations within speech as well as direct thought, so using it for sound effects is somewhat confusing.

    'STAB'
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
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  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    She's one person, how would she know that nobody knew what made that cracking sound? It's outside of her POV.

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
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  • Clone_v2
    Clone_v21mth
    Commented

    "With as much force as I could muster" or "As hard as I could" Would work better than "As strong as I could"

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    Earth's Doom Starts with... Me?
    Fantasy Romance · mozza_mello
    detail