TacoStorm
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TacoStorm4mthCommentedYou could also include her trying to drag him
"Hobe!!! RUNNN!!!" Hari's voice cracked, her desperation evident as she pleaded for him to move. Her tears flowed uncontrollably, blending with the anguish in her cries. "RUNNN!!!"- TacoStorm4mthCommented
Oh okay
Hobe couldn't comprehend what was happening. The events unfolding in front of him defied all rational explanation. - TacoStorm4mthCommented
Kinda bold assumption to immediately assume zombie, not many people would believe it at first even if it was a green half rotting zombie
Was this some sort of zombie movie being filmed? Was Mrs. Johnson participating in a twisted reality show and playing a prank on him? - TacoStorm4mthCommented
Not fear at seeing a person’s throat ripped out? I have some gore resistance but even my legs might shake a bit at that sight.
A surge of grief and rage coursed through Hobe's veins. - TacoStorm4mthCommented
Envisioned*
But wait, there's more! Hobe envisions himself juggling the demands of coursework while managing the chaos of their wretched existence. - TacoStorm4mthCommented
Keys to the mall or keys to the restaurant
Next, Hobe reached out to his boss, with whom he had developed a strong rapport over time. Their relationship was built on trust and mutual respect, leading to Hobe being entrusted with the keys to the mall. - TacoStorm4mthCommented
Try avoiding the same point, as the last 4 paragraphs (and more into the last chapter) say very similar things.
The fear of being left alone in this desolate world, devoid of the one person who gave him strength and purpose, was suffocating. - TacoStorm4mthReplied to Zara010"The second function of the Mystic Eyes is the ability to replicate any divine power! This is the true essence of the Mystic Eyes. As long as one cannot escape the constraints of the myriad ways of the world, any divine power or secret technique can be replicated by Mystic Eyes! "detailWe Agreed to Brag Together, But You Secretly Dominated the WorldEastern · Mountain Birds Don't Like Fish
- TacoStorm4mthReplied to Asura_
They used teleportation formations, which they believe mc does not have
Shaking his head, he went on, "In my view, although Su Chen is powerful, he still can't traverse the void, and it's even less likely that he can set up teleportation formations. Reaching the Demon Slaying Altar will take at least several months. Right now, we need to swiftly prepare our formations..."detailWe Agreed to Brag Together, But You Secretly Dominated the WorldEastern · Mountain Birds Don't Like Fish - TacoStorm5mthCommented
First flip this paragraph and the next. We should be told her father died then how it affected her. Two I’m confused about this timeline, unless their mother was also not loyal which should probably be told way earlier
As for Hari, her father's tragic demise was a painful reminder of the consequences of infidelity. The revelation that her father had been leading a double life, deceiving both her mother and his mistress, ended in a fatal act of betrayal. - TacoStorm5mthCommented
Maybe add alone after the word carried at the end. It emphasizes his mother’s lack of ability
The rumors surrounding his father's activities cast a shadow of doubt and shame over their household, adding to the burden Hobe carried. - TacoStorm5mthCommented
Well I wouldn’t say “uncertainty and speculation” would fill a void. I would say the void would leave only “uncertainty and speculation.”
The absence of a stable father figure in Hobe's life only added to the turmoil. His father's sudden disappearance had left a void in their family, a void that was filled with uncertainty and speculation. - TacoStorm5mthCommented
I think the comma after questionable shouldn’t be there. Not 100% sure
Hobe's mother, despite her talent and potential, had fallen into a cycle of destructive relationships. Her choice in partners was questionable, to say the least. - TacoStorm5mthReplied to TacoStorm
Cause like zombies have a human form
Well, a least in human form. - TacoStorm5mthCommented
Well, *at* least in human form. I’d say make it-> Well, at least still breathing.
Well, a least in human form. - TacoStorm5mthCommented
But their -> The two's But is kinda oddly placed and their is over used
But their mother paid no attention to their exchange. She swiftly grabbed her bag filled with cash and left, leaving Hobe standing there, feeling a mixture of frustration and concern. - TacoStorm5mthReplied to TacoStorm
Actually that way to fix it doesn’t work, instead it would be drop the entire section after the comma and put “after school,” behind the paragraph
Hobe was getting ready to leave for work at the fast-food restaurant, where he earned a living after school. - TacoStorm5mthCommented
Where he earned a living kinda feels like filler words because I mean, it’s work. Could just say after school and drop the comma.
Hobe was getting ready to leave for work at the fast-food restaurant, where he earned a living after school. - TacoStorm5mthCommented
This flashback was really abrupt and disrupts the flow of the story. And the “Timeframe:” thing could have been said in paragraph format like: Flashback to the first day of the virus outbreak. Over a year ago from the day it all began.
Time frame: flashback, a year ago, the first day of the virus outbreak