Regular_Sama
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Regular_Sama2yrCommentedScrap the first chapter (and what I’ll assume is the rest of the story) altogether and start again. Don’t leave an exposition dump every other paragraph, don’t make unrealistic, artificial, rushed interactions between characters, set your world up in a believable and enjoyable-to-read way, and don’t make your protagonist (and antagonist) be generic-looking Shonen caricatures Grammar is fine for the most part, though I recommend you use Grammarly for help. You also repeat yourself over and over while also trying to use descriptive words to, well, describe your characters, which doesn’t work. I had to look up two or three of the words you used because I legit never heard them being used in my life Pacing is bad and you try to jump to the main event way too soon Hyping your protagonist up isn’t a bad thing but the way you did it made it feel like he really was some pompous, inflated version of what a real person would be. You quickly gloss over his feats and achievements with backhanded comments, giving them zero meaning or weight For a first chapter, I give it a 3/10. Would have dropped the story halfway through and never came back
Ch 1 Beginning of a new Journey - Part I- Regular_Sama2yrCommented
San is a form of addressing someone else with respect. If they're close enough to call each other "bro", "san" shouldn't be used
This paragraph has been deleted. - Regular_Sama2yrCommented
1st: is it that easy to sneak in? No ID? No check-up? No retina/fingerprint scan? 2nd: how didn't one of the most renowed assassination team of the world didn't expect their target to bring his personal bodyguard 3rd: what's stopping them from sniping him from afar? Can people here actually pinpoint gunshots and intercept them? The world so far wasn't pre-established to behave like this (but to be fair, all I got from this world were exposition dumps for the characters)
Takao's security guard was kept outside the university's entry door because only scientists were allowed inside the Elwood University. Takao was to be eliminated when he reached the Elwood University, but since his security guard was with him they couldn't snipe through a great distance because Shin Yanagi has sharp eyes. So the Plan A had already failed because the assassination team didn't expect Takao to bring his security guard with him. In which the assassination team's leader will now disguise as a scientist and find an opportunity to kill him in a safer place. He also wore the science lab gear and entered the university. - Regular_Sama2yrCommented
Nothing like another exposition dump to catch me off guard and ruin my immersion in the story
Jessica Nelson is a very beautiful lady with long blonde hair, long yellow eyelashes and yellow eyebrows, golden eyes, with a tall and slim body wearing a brown coat with a white scarf, black pants, and a white shirt. Jessica Nelson also has a big crush on Takao Hokama which actually explains how popular he is. Jessica is a very kind-hearted polite woman, brave and honest with a sense of equity. - Regular_Sama2yrCommented
Feels like the introduction to a caricature more than to a real person
Kazuhiro Aoki is your average puerile man with auburn hair, white skin, black eyelashes, average height, and a svelte guy, small nose, red eyes, with a menacing look on his face all the time. He is very intrepid and thinks of himself as a superior of science which is why he holds an immensely colossal quantity of hatred towards Takao Hokama. - Regular_Sama2yrCommented
Feels like you repeated yourself at least three times here, at least to me
"World-Class", it's a title that every scientist in the world struggles to get. Takao Hokama is one of the World-Class Japanese scientist known throughout the world. By sheer tenaciousness and struggles with challenges, he achieved one of the biggest titles in the world. - Regular_Sama3yrCommented
(...)and become more bigger... It's bigger, not more bigger ´-´
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She's either naive or dumb to believe on a complete stranger she just met. I'm betting on the former
"Qing Shao, why do you always want to kill people. He already said that he was traveling so he must not be from around here and he already said he would do anything so why not take him up on his offer." Wang Luo scolded Qing Shao and Qing Shao stared daggers at Ling, blaming him. - Regular_Sama3yrCommented
As far as first chapters go, this one isn’t that great. It feels rushed, without proper pacing, the main character is held in a high regard and is prideful of it (which is hard to get done right and I don’t feel like it was here), and all and all, this could have been better handled. I also think this being a common type of story doesn’t help. Either way, it has potential.
Ch 1 Chapter 1: Rebirth - Regular_Sama3yrCommented
The soldiers *then*? Weren't they already doing that?
This paragraph has been deleted. - Regular_Sama3yrCommented
It should be "Looks like my family is famous". The way you phrased it makes it look like the family owns something, in this case, the fame, as if it was an object. I could be wrong though, English isn't my main language
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I got lost reading this bit ´-´
This paragraph has been deleted. - Regular_Sama3yrCommented
"If it was me laying on the side walk you'd all walk right past me!" - Joker
Nobody helped him up. They all minded their own business and walked out of the room. When Hugh heard less and less footsteps, he finally propped himself back up and went outside into the empty hallway. - Regular_Sama3yrReplied to NaTaS_2951
Imagine being so lazy on your work you're owned by one of your students
There was a condescending tone in that remark. He always knew this teacher hated him. Ever since he proved him wrong in one of his classes, there was a target on his back. Hugh didn't care, after this he will finally get to enroll in a prestigious university due to a scholarship he received. - Regular_Sama3yrCommented
This is something else It's been so long since I last stumbled upon a good and engaging story I kind of forgot they were a thing. There were little to no interactions since this is the first chapter and it had to focus on the backstory. I have great expectations from this and if you are a new reader, be assured: this might be worth our time
Ch 1 F-Class - Regular_Sama3yrCommented
This chapter feels rushed, confusing, and everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I got lost more times than one and the poor grammar doesn't help me any bit. The exposition dump at the beginning could have either been better handled or removed altogether. Still, I see potential for an engaging story if done correctly
Ch 1 Accident - Regular_Sama3yrCommented
The Master suddenly went from being an old lady to being an old man
This chapter has been deleted.