RegencyMika
Hi! I'm Mika an absolute Regency Period lover. Of course, it all started when I read Pride and Prejudice for the first time. Please follow and comment on my first story, A March to Marquess.
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RegencyMika3yrReplied to Random_Stranger_2498Yes, I agree. This felt kind of jolting. If author wants to switch between perspectives, maybe they should alternate chapters vs. paragraphs. OR switch to a third-person point of view throughout. This switch changed it to a third-person, while Hazel seems to stay in first person. The story has a good plot, just needs some editing. I guess that is where our comments come into play!
Lucian was surprised. He already knew she wanted him but hearing her saying that stirred something inside of him, something wild and wicked. He just hoped he had enough self-restraint to not take her here and now.- RegencyMika3yrCommented
This is great. Such a real thing of never feeling "clean" after that ordeal. Maybe instead of saying that she scrubbed until she was satisfied, maybe say that she scrubbed the dirt off her skin and hair until she was red a raw. The word 'satisfied' leads me to believe shes happy, but feels contradictory when she says she doesn't feel clean. I love this passage though. Conveys her feelings great.
I prepared a bath myself and rubbed the dirt off my skin and hair till I was satisfied then I grabbed a towel and wrapped myself in it. Walking out and into the room, grabbed a simple gown and slid into it then I dried my hair with the towel. Even though I was all clean I still felt dirty. - RegencyMika3yrReplied to Jasmine_Smith_4050
It is definitely getting interesting!
When I woke up I decided to take a bath. Lucian was sleeping next to me looking clean and fresh and here I was all dirty. - RegencyMika3yrReplied to RegencyMika
I did not finish my first sentence...What a captivating story! :)
A bottle of water on the table caught my attention. I needed water. My throat burned and itched and I couldn't take the pain anymore. I made my way to the table quickly, ignoring the pain in my body because it was nothing compared to the pain in my throat. I grabbed the bottle of water and emptied it quickly. - RegencyMika3yrCommented
What a captivating This is a similar reference to a "bottle of water" from before. It does jolt a reader right out of the story line. Maybe replace it with "A pitcher of water on the table caught my attention..." "I picked up the heavy pitcher and poured cool water into the carved metal goblet." And even depending on what time this is, because that is a little unclear, water wasn't always the drink of choice. This is due to lack of clean water/unsanitary conditions. Wine or some sort of spirit would probably be a more common choice.
A bottle of water on the table caught my attention. I needed water. My throat burned and itched and I couldn't take the pain anymore. I made my way to the table quickly, ignoring the pain in my body because it was nothing compared to the pain in my throat. I grabbed the bottle of water and emptied it quickly.