ChrisMit
Lv3
Decided to write my first novel The Potion of Rage. My style may not be the best but any constructive criticism would be welcome.
2020-09-25 JoinedUnited States
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ChrisMit1mthCommentedCh 92 Test of Courage- ChrisMit1mthCommented
to*
"Then that means I did my job right. Oh you have no idea how long I've been wanting ot pull something like that off." - ChrisMit1mthCommented
Did you mean bright? “right” could potentially work though.
It was a good thing it was so dark because Benjiro didn't want anyone to see how right red his face had become, "Um, are y-you sure ab-bout that, Hiromi?" - ChrisMit5mthCommented
“was wide was” Kinda threw me for a loop. I had to re read it a few times to understand what you were getting at. IMO maybe try to re-write that first sentence or at least a comma after the word “wide”. As always, your call if you decide to do anything. :P
The binder which was almost as thick as a person's hand was wide was full of notes that were written in Hiromi's small and tidy handwriting, small pictures and clippings of brochures. The rich young lady, began telling them about all that there was to explore within the town and surrounding countryside of the beach they were at. All the while, servants brought out food that according to Hiromi was made out of different local produce. - ChrisMit5mthCommented
End punctuation.
'I don't know, he's being dodgy about the whole thing', Saori internally remarked - ChrisMit1yrCommented
:U?
This paragraph has been deleted. - ChrisMit1yrCommented
Do you* not trust me? Feels incomplete as is.
This paragraph has been deleted. - ChrisMit1yrCommented
“Show up to ask your dad has been”, rude. Lol. Ask how* your dad has been?
Benjiro's head remained firmly turned towards the window and muttered, "It wasn't that kind of hospital", he cleared his throat, "But, all in all, if you just take a small leap of faith and show up to ask your Dad has been, you'll be doing a lot for him. And if you still need a little distance, hey, you got no judgment on my end." - ChrisMit1yrCommented
He jerked her head? Sounds uncomfortable. :P
"Mm, I have my moments", he chortled, "But I will give you a little piece of advice for free", he jerked her head towards the direction they were leaving, "The worst part of when people move into places like that: It's not just being somewhere strange, the scary treatments or even the loss of privacy. It's the fact that they feel alone. Like everyone in their life has forgotten they exist, and on the off chance that someone does turn up, they feel like a bullet mark on a chore list." - ChrisMit1yrCommented
Hmm, determination clearing up his stutter?
"It's a little tough to tell, but my fingers are really calloused. When I first picked up the guitar, it was harder than I thought it would be. But, I just wanted to be good at something for once in my life, so I played literally until my fingers bled." - ChrisMit1yrReplied to ChrisMit
Gift or* the giver.? Edit.
It was difficult telling whether the brunt of the Domon patriarch's disgust was directed at the gift of the giver, but Benjiro was feeling slighted either way. He wanted to snap back at the older man, but since this was his house and his daughter's birthday, which could get him tossed out, Benjiro bit his tongue. Luckily for him, he had no need. - ChrisMit1yrCommented
Gift or* giver.?
It was difficult telling whether the brunt of the Domon patriarch's disgust was directed at the gift of the giver, but Benjiro was feeling slighted either way. He wanted to snap back at the older man, but since this was his house and his daughter's birthday, which could get him tossed out, Benjiro bit his tongue. Luckily for him, he had no need. - ChrisMit1yrCommented
Hmm no stuttering here, eh?
A smirk crossed his face, "It was a little dodgy in the first part, but things definitely improved in the last third." - ChrisMit1yrCommented
Bean? Do you mean began?
Opening her eyes back up, Hiromi decided she was done being bossed around. She wasn't looking at the score at all anymore. No, she was focusing totally on the boy who was so rudely interrupting her thoughts. The music came under attack as Hiromi, no longer caring, bean playing her heart out. To hell with composure, she swayed and jerked her body back and forth as the third movement offered no quarter, but in return, none was asked. Nothing else mattered, at that moment, all that existed was simply the keys and what she was trying to say with them. - ChrisMit1yrCommented
Who is oen? :P And wasn’t she the plus one?
This paragraph has been deleted. - ChrisMit1yrCommented
Maybe a , after “sat there” ?
The room quieted when everyone saw Hiromi sit down at the piano. For a moment she sat there her gaze drifting between the black and white keys and the incredibly complex sheet music in front of her. - ChrisMit1yrCommented
Used a “ in front of Now is not the time. If it’s still a thought, should be a ‘
'It's alright, you can do this', she tried to encourage herself, 'You've been practicing for weeks now. You know the notes, measures and movements like the back of your hand. You can practically hear an old German man screaming at you every time you play', She extended her hands and began playing the Moonlight Sonata, "Now is not the time for being afraid.' - ChrisMit1yrCommented
2k square feet seems kinda small for something that’s supposed to be impressive. Jus sayin.
To say that the Domon mansion was impressive would be a massive understatement. The two teenagers stared in awe of it for a moment from outside the gates. The estate itself had to be nearly fifteen acres of land and the house itself was three stories tall. It had to take up at least two thousand square feet of land. The outside was an imposing white brick and the wide staircase leading to the oak front doors had to have been made out of marble. - ChrisMit1yrCommented
“Convince her to* be his plus one”
His friendship with Yamanaka was equally unclear in terms of classification. It was true, he knew about her deepest fears, ambitions and had seen more sides to her than most people would think her capable. But despite that, to say that they were close just didn't seem the right word. They knew nothing of each other's family, likes and dislikes, dreams. Hell, they didn't even know what each other's favorite color was. Benjiro could honestly count the number of regular conversations they had on one hand. Luckily it had been enough to convince her be his plus one, although that hadn't been easy either. - ChrisMit1yrCommented
Thousand watt smile. Haven’t heard that one before but I like it.
She looked at him with that thousand watt smile of hers, "Just peachy, friend. Been grinding all kinds of gears to get stuff done. What about you? I hear you've been gettin' kind of cozy with a certain little actress."