marialawal31
I love love love One Piece, Joe Joe's Bizarre Adventure, Re: Zero, Shinsekai Yori and Madoka Magica, they're my top anime If you know a good anime feel free to recommend it to me. Photos not mine
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marialawal313yrPostedThe tense switches back and forth between past and present so I'm not too sure when this is set. Some sentences need re-wording. But the idea is interesting, the character's personality shines through the dialogue and the start created mystery which would push the reader to want to find out more about the story.
- marialawal313yrReplied to marialawal31
or for the picky ppl - so it flows better
Percy relaxed after noticing his homely but messy room and ruffled his messy hair before proceeding to dress himself up in a simple pair of dark blue jeans and a white tee. His muscular physique can be seen through his simple attire as he tidied himself in the mirror. - marialawal313yrCommented
maybe change the sentence structure so it flows more
Percy relaxed after noticing his homely but messy room and ruffled his messy hair before proceeding to dress himself up in a simple pair of dark blue jeans and a white tee. His muscular physique can be seen through his simple attire as he tidied himself in the mirror. - marialawal313yrCommented
some issues with tense
Percy relaxed after noticing his homely but messy room and ruffled his messy hair before proceeding to dress himself up in a simple pair of dark blue jeans and a white tee. His muscular physique can be seen through his simple attire as he tidied himself in the mirror. - marialawal313yrCommented
The start is interesting, raises many questions
"URGH!" Percy jumped out from his bed, landing on his feet by the bedside standing alert in a defensive boxing posture. "Not this nightmare again…" - marialawal313yrReplied to marialawal31
or We shall meet again, rather than shall we since the latter indicates a question
"Comrades! Shall we meet again in the afterlife!" Percy shouted as he raises his sword in the air and charges towards the swarm of creatures. - marialawal313yrCommented
the statement might be better as a question
"Comrades! Shall we meet again in the afterlife!" Percy shouted as he raises his sword in the air and charges towards the swarm of creatures. - marialawal313yrReplied to Kotachua