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ayaneisme

ayaneisme

Lv1

If I eated soap, I don't eat because I did, no I didn't. <3 Love, Ayane

2020-07-31 JoinedUnited States
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3
  • ayaneisme
    ayaneisme1yr
    Posted

    It's amazing wowza anyways ily bb vanny :> that is all goodybe[img=recommend][img=recommend][img=recommend][img=recommend][img=recommend][img=recommend]

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    The Wolf, the Witch, and the Prophecy
    Fantasy Romance · Vanlauredel
    detail
  • ayaneisme
    ayaneisme1yr
    Posted

    Thus far, the story is good. I can't say much on the stability of updates, as it was just made, but I hope you do update daily (something I fail to do). The story development feels a little fast paced, so I'm hoping it slows down in the future, or at the very least, there is plenty of story to tell. The grammar could use some work, as you often do a lot more telling rather than showing. It makes the flow of the story feel a little choppy. Instead of saying, for example, "he was nervous" you could instead say "his stomach was in knots". Spoon feeding your readers makes it difficult to read at all. However by allowing the reader to infer emotions and such from the character on their own, the book becomes a much more enjoyable read. Also, there is some repetition of words in the same sentence, or just a sentence apart. Finally, the imagery and descriptions of the surrounding area feel a little vague. It isn't too much, as the surroundings are described at a minimum, but I do recommend going back to fix that and adding a little more description. Despite this, the story I believe will be worth the read.

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    Hero System! Transported to Another World
    Fantasy · Ripcorez
    detail
  • ayaneisme
    ayaneisme1yr
    Replied to Parisian_Moon

    minor mistakes? hohohoho

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    Hero System! Transported to Another World
    Fantasy · Ripcorez
    detail