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TempestasUmbra

TempestasUmbra

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2020-07-02 JoinedGlobal
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  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra7d
    Commented

    Not a really good story so far... The plot seems forced and rushed most of the time, the MC is half-braindead with no sense of self-preservation and doesn‘t even bother to get a basic understanding of his abilities and options. All other characters have litlle to no personality and badly written dialogues are a constant bother. Generally apart from the intial idea, the rest of the story is not worth reading...

    Ch 10 Stalk Skill
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    Evolving Ghost System: Phantom Universe Expansion Pack
    Video Games · RazorIsSharp
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  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    This book has been deleted.
  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    Replied to PinkCulture

    Curiouser and curiouser! I am sure you will make it work, but waiting dorn these 200 chapters, will be a real challenge 😖

    Ch 97 Going home
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    All my toys
    Realistic Fiction · PinkCulture
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  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    Replied to PinkCulture

    Unfortunately it is indeed very tricky to do so, but you could have her knowing of her husbands infidelity, so she wouldn‘t be very inclined to side with him for a start. Then there would habe to be a conrontation between the MC and her, with her knowing about the MC fucking his daugther and her friend. The MC would then have to confide her in the whole truth about her husbands perversion, and her seeing no other way to get back at her husband would then side with the MC. That is just a example and I honestly don‘t see it happening, because she would have to have a stronger bond with the MC, than the rest of her family and being ok with the whole ******-thing, which I don‘t think is the case. Laura and the MC becoming lovers on the other and than going from there could work, but her becoming one of his girls in the first place isn‘t very likely. You would have to include neglect from her husband, hate towards her husband, because of his actions and a broken self-worth, because she could do nothing to stop him, and than round it up in her seeking the MC side as a way for her to remake herself. She could wnjoy being in charge of his harem, as it would give her ther power and self-confidence her husband would have buried beneeth years of neglect and undermining. Satisfaction in knowing her husband‘s plans are ruined with her help for the MC in gathering and keeping in-check all the girls a.k.a. her ‚stepdaugthers‘?... And unbending loyality and gratitude towards the MC for ‚freeing‘ her and giving her a chance to truly be herself, maybe even love(the gentle kind, not the ‚Tina-kind‘). That is a scenario that could work, but you would have to work on the details. It is also the only one which could work in my opinion, without her backstabbing the MC. Without strong emotions tying them together, I see no way for her not snitching on him. A confrontation initiated by Laura would be unavoidable though, as I don‘t see her letting him just fuck the girls without interfering. Obviously there could be time as she wouldn‘t figure it out on the first meeting, sure maybe a hint or an intuition, but I would take longer for her suspicion to be confirmed. In that timeframe the MC would be able to gather more material about what exactly is happing in the house of his in-laws, so he should be in the picture about her situation and make a plan to counter her reaction to his deeds. Hope that gives you some inspiration, ofcourse most of the details would have to be worked on. I am sure you will make something great even without these tips, amd I am looking forward to it! 👍🏻

    Ch 97 Going home
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    All my toys
    Realistic Fiction · PinkCulture
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  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    This book has been deleted.
  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    This book has been deleted.
  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    This book has been deleted.
  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    Commented

    Finally I caught up with the newest chapters! And it was glorious! Man, I am so hooked on this story and can‘t wait for more chapters! Hope all is well on your end, so take your time - quality over quantity!

    Ch 116 It's Time!
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    All my toys
    Realistic Fiction · PinkCulture
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  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    Commented

    I do love the MC, but realistically speaking he makes a mistake in invitibg Laura over, as woman in general are more perceptive than man, and as she is even older than the MC, this expierience would make her even mire observant. She should be able to notice that there is somethivg weird about her granddaughter‘s interaction with her ‚Daddy‘. Especially because Ella is relatively pure and naive, and the only reason her mother didn‘t notice anything is, because she is an ignorant bitch which doesn‘t care for her husband and daugther very much. So I am lookibg forward how you will be working through this minefield which is his mother-in-law.

    Ch 97 Going home
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    All my toys
    Realistic Fiction · PinkCulture
    detail
  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    This book has been deleted.
  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    This book has been deleted.
  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    This book has been deleted.
  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    This book has been deleted.
  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    Commented

    Yeah, that‘s the stuff for nightmares 😖

    This paragraph has been deleted.
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    In MHA With Madara’s powers
    Anime & Comics · MyStomachHurts
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  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    This book has been deleted.
  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    This book has been deleted.
  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    This book has been deleted.
  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra1mth
    This book has been deleted.
  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra2mth
    Replied to Zeroth_Firmament

    Probably because he is lazy... so many mistakes in his grammar, and you can see a good part of them as just him being too lazy to correct them...

    Ch 4 4 More advanced on training and discoveries
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    Reborn in the Shinobi World as a Sarutobi
    Fantasy · IntactReincarnator
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  • TempestasUmbra
    TempestasUmbra2mth
    Commented

    I literally binged the whole story, do this is my first comment, and I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed it! First, I liked him being a Hyuga, as I haven‘t read many stories with the MC being a Hyuga and I always found that disappointing... The slow pace of the story was something rarely seen in fanfics and I loved it. It gave the story more depth and made it more realistic. Also him learning from Orochimaru was a nice change of pace, as most fanfics paint him to be purely evil and all MCs just avoid him, forgetting that he still was part of Konoha and so he couldn’t just kill who he wanted and such. In general your ideas about the different bloodlines etc, were really something to think about, as your theory was worked out rather well and made the progress in his work flow naturally. There are many more positive points and you are most certainly a brillant writer in my book. I also would like to gibe some critique and/or things I would have liked to see. I especially enjoy reading about the training of characters and them coming up with mew techniques or imrpoving their old, which your story had, but I kinda missed him trying to creat more powerful techniques. I mean your MC had all the tools and time, so I would have loved to see him create a more powerful destructive jutsu. Also what happened to his attempts at the Lighting Cloak? It got buried as the story progressed, even though he created a version for himself we never saw gim use it in a fight... These were just my personal preferences so don’t take them to heart.. Thanks for the chaper

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    Rebirth In The Naruto-verse.
    Anime & Comics · Victortoery12
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