M_Mariegold
A young low-key Author, writer and Poet. I write for my readers to read. "My passion and hobby became my occupation"
of reading
39
Read books
hi long time no read... I want to say that. you forgot to put '?' at the end of the word. since he's asking question. therefore you should put question mark.
There is a mistake in this parah 'uou'
make sure to put space after every new sentences, after full stop.
I meant the dialogue. haha
My mouth is filled with water, after reading this paragraph. @_@
I think you missed a word 'started looking at me...'
superman....
I think there is a mistake 'Good, now'
Hi there... there is a mistake in first line, Use 'Placed' instead of 'places'.
I like this sentence "...groaning in agony..." *noted*
I think there is one extra "the" in this sentence. "as if it....."
I think you missed one word "I started focusing....":
I meant 15 year old girl or I don't why there are 4 something. maybe it is against rule.
you even use "asked curiously" (if the character is curious)
remove "said" Sometime it is not necessary to add "said..." Put something like "Explain....question.....ask....scream....yell....etc" there are more (This is advice which shouldn't be used in this sentence. But try to use them in other sentences. You can even use them in past tense)
To make the sentence look good, use 'ask' because William asked from Santa
use "preparing" instead of "prepare". Because the sentence is like going to happen and is not already happened. in short the sentence is not in past tense
I think you forgot one word 'And she told me....'