Barnacleboy

So when does the story start? Or is it all about customizing your character? Cause this is starting to get real boring

Please stop with the retails, it’s not impressive, nor is it sales savvy. The sales guy at the store, the resumes, the delivery service, all great ideas. But I gotta turn my brain off whenever he brings up lightbulbs and if I need explain, your to far gone. Iike I almost had a heart attack when he said sunscreen.

I’m going to keep reading, but the AI is also a bit to heavy in this chapter. To clarify, I find nothing wrong with using AI, but I notice that there’s a lotta detail for things that really don’t add much to the story. It’s fine and even awesome to occasionally give descriptions and details to ground the reader into a scene, but I think your first prompt in your introduction, while blander than the AI(and not as nice punctuation), has a nice, get to the point style of writing. One that would really help you from stalling the plot. Anyways, those are my thoughts, good luck with school and I hope this becomes a fulfilling project of yours.

Hey author, I love the idea. The characters have a lot of personality and I can see the thought gone into writing this, but this is borderline unreadable. Not in the plots gone wrong kinda way, but in a have AI glamorize every paragraph kinda way. I’m not accusing you of using it, but the constant shift of attention in the story really kills any pacing there could be. One second he could be thinking about family betrayal, the next paperwork, then a maid walks in with a pastry and it shifts to commenting on how it melts into his mouth. The next second his brother has been missing for 6 hours and now he must find him while comforting his brothers girlfriend like he’s gone to confront a mortal enemy. I can see a lot of personality in the characters introduced, but there is a serious case of overdetailing every little thing they do and think. Not just characters but objects as well. I believe there was a description somewhere where it says something along the lines of ‘blazing not just with heat, but intent’. Not your exact words but close enough. I don’t even know what that means, what does it even add to the story? That my piece, I hope author over time can fix this glaring issue as he writes this novel. Have a great day.

Pretty sure that 18+ alternate universe goes hand in hand with r18 but let go with what you said. At this point it’s semantics

Really good with words, and the characters have a lot of personality, but the pacing for the last 4 chapter have been really bad. A lot of unnecessary details that drags out a very simple plot, not every character needs to be super fleshed out right away and not every action needs to be explained.

Half a mil*

I think you mean a million, have a mil? Are they worthy?

Why?