I know your story is great. you just need more inspiration. It's your first time, isn't it? I was like that before but it takes me 3 more months just to understand how to write a story. Keep doing it!

that long white dress called "White coat*

wow. that's actually the reality of it actually happened

let's add "He sound confused and terrified after waking up in the place where he doesn't know anything about

Don't mention the name of a place, but explain it how it look.

You shouldn't mention characters names other than the main character. Just explain their appearance. Mention it when they name themselves.

it's too fast. It maybe should be like "Kira began to felt his body was being weakened for some reason that he himself didn't know what is it. He tried to fight it as since he was in the strange place that he doesn't know so he tried to fight it to keep himself being conscious. However, he felt his body was heavy and he barely open his eyes. Few seconds later, he then slept at the ground in the another world with full of unknown knowledge." Add more detailed. I recommended you to read more and be happy of course

If kira doesn't know anything about magic, do not mention the word "magic* but explain it by it's appearance. Except if one of the characters mentioned the magic itself.

Bruh, this is too fast. I recommend you to add more detail like "trees were rustling in the middle of the pale blue night." or something to make it longer, but better. Imagine what his surroundings. Example: Few people were wondering. Under the gray moonlight as he walking at street, Blazing sun reach his skin. Like that. it's too fast

I a bit confused. I'm still rewriting my own story Arc. Thank you but I'm still not finish yet.

There was a few problem. I recommended you to download an apps called "Grammarly" it's available in play store. And also, I felt that there was something was missing. The way that fat guy died, doesn't have clear explanation. I mean I guess you should add more things like "sound of flesh was squishing as that man stepped on it." Or something like that to make it more darker and interesting death.

remove the "question" a next to the "the*