I dont want to seem like im nit-picking as this story has had a pretty good start. One thing I would mention, though, is the awkward sentence construction. You dont need to start almost every paragraph with “Tristan……”. Also, some sentences could be combined and split up for much better readability. Flow of the story gets thrown off by these little things that are repeated. Keep up the great work otherwise! 👌
Definitely a great story. Author has a clear idea of what he intends to write and it helps draw the reader in. The writing quality is done well but grammar could use a few tweaks, nothing crazy. Also, I would suggest a bit more detail on the world around them. For example, the explosion should describe the destroyed buildings outside of the school. There should be chaotic streets and burning buildings. Same goes for the interior of certain buildings, like his room. These small details help build the story and also give us a better understanding of the world. Overall, the story seems like a promising one. Keep up the good work Author!
Well done! There is no serious critique here. I mean the usual grammar mistakes and that's about it. Great job using 3rd person for the intro and switching to first. Really sets the tone of the story and portrays a beautiful world before letting the reader connect closely with the MC. I definitely see an interesting story premise here that has a lot of potential. My only knock is how a minor god of calamity knew about her, but the others did not. But I guess that would be explained later ;). Amazing story, wish you the best author!
Quality writing that has great attention to detail and leaves the reader wanting to know more. Really solid intro that sets the tone for what kind of novel this would be. Also, I love the creativity I'm seeing already with the races and these little 'moon' phrases. Shows a lot of promise in a new novel. One thing I would warn of is stuffing in too much information in the beginning chapters. As an intro, its fine to include future information that is not explained to attract interest, but I find that there is a little too many loose details that would confuse the reader. This might have to do with the limited amount of chapters, but I would suggest keeping it relatively simple and then slowly expand the world as you get further in the book. Lastly, the descriptions of the characters need a bit more detail. For a first time character intro, its better to state exactly what they look like, then build off their personality later. Short descriptions leave no impression on the reader when these characters are mentioned later on. All of this is my humble opinions, so I hope this helped! I see a lot of potential in this book, keep up the good work Author!
5 chapters in and I can definitely say you did your research. The details are very realistic, which raises the story's quality to another level. The closer the facts, the easier it is to draw in readers and you have done a wonderful job author. Narcistic characters are some of my favorite just due to their over the top reactions, so I definitely give a thumbs up for that one lol. In the end, it's a great story that has a bright future!
After sticking with this books for over 7 months I can officialy say, CANT WAIT FOR MORE! Book is amazing and was what got me interested in writing my own novel on WN. Can't say enough with how much I love this book. If you like fantasy books with a huge world that's waiting to be explored, trust me and read this one. Nothing more needs to be said, just read it!
100% a five star from me. Writing quality has a unique flavor and doesn't seem forced with over the top vocabulary. Also the character design is very relatable to the average reader! World background is fantastic. Honestly shocked at how well you can fit in with such finesse! I'm honestly lost on where you can go with the story, but so far, everything is set up for a great book!
Hmmm, maybe have a chapter about the MC borrowing time from the system and have that be some key point in the story. Not necessarily reincarnating but more of his future self, sending a message back for his present self. Idk, maybe this can help you brainstorm!
Okay. Let me just put out there that long dialogues easily confuse readers. You probably get this a lot, but it relates to a lot of other possible issues when writing. For example, grammar issues come up often throughout the story. Also, character personalities and world building are not detailed enough. The setting of the story is left up to the reader's imagination and forces a disconnect with the Author. This can have serious issues later down the line when your plot reveals itself. One, it could lead to a misinterpreted understanding of the character. Two, it could lead the reader to be dissatisfied with how you portray something later on that wasn't what they imagined. However, if you can pull off a dialogue type story with more self conscious thinking (monologues) it would leave a much stronger impression on the reader. I wish you the best of luck and hope for you to make an amazing story!
Lets see here! First, the writing needs a tune up so that the reader doesn't get caught up in correcting everything. I see that very often in comment section on Webnovel books. It pulls the reader out of the story and causes them to not return. Second, feel that there background and these 'enemies' was glossed over a bit. Specifically focussing on their relationship and how the interact with one another. That is a huge part of this story and needs to be fully explored! Third, the personalities of the main characters need a stronger presence in the writing. This might have to do with the awkward sentence strucuture and grammar though. Lastly, I think the story has a chance to be great. A very interesting plot has already been laid down. Also, the 3 MC's is a unique touch that will help this book stick out from the masses! Keep up the good work, and I hope to see this novel succeed in the future!
Should be another comma before the but
Wish I could get you to be my editor. I will definitely stay up to date on your story and try to give some extra advice when I remember. Thanks a lot for tons of advice. Seriously appreciate it!
Like the idea of a system itself trying to become imortal. Definitely a unique take on the system genre. Definitely need to see more too get a better feel on a story like this. The beginning is a very standard cultivation novel with solid writing. One thing I would warn the author about is the quick pace. I understand your trying to get into the story but take it slowly and make sure to set a strong foundation. For example, a reason for why the system wants to cultivate. This also falls into the category of understanding where you want to take the story. Otherwise, I look forward to what you do with this interesting idea!
Honestly wish I could rate it 4.999999999 forever. Only one problem. I have no idea what this story is about. I read 3 chapters, probably could read more, but I have no idea what direction the story is heading towards. If you clear that up within the first few chapters, it will definitely be an amazing book
Just a flag, nothing special about it. After fighting for a long time, they no that flag is directing these humans to slaughter them. If I was reffering to the general it would be different
Yeah, just saw the comment after I wrote my reply ;). It makes a lot of sense but the way I wrote my story, it can't change. I introduced him at 3 years old. Just based on that fact doesn't leave much room to have a solid character introduction since he would be growing up. Would just waste words at that point since I don't plan to have an extended arc for a 3 year old. Thank you for the reply and suggestion, though!
Falls flat? I kind of see that as well. I was trying to keep his motives pure while also making sure he starts on his path. If I left him to happy go lucky, he would not have the chance to show any growth in the early chapters. Plus I'm not a fan of extreme changes in personality. Any suggestions to clean it up?
As a first-time writer as well, I personally try to write like I was talking to my friends. On top of that, I draw inspiration from other books writing styles. Not saying plagiarism of their ideas, but more so into how they write their characters. You tend to find a good idea of what you want your MC to be like through reading about others. This also applies to their worlds. I usually just take a screenshot of certain paragraphs I like and leave those as a reminder for my own book. For example, I read a book that had a really interesting cultivation system. When they were describing it, I thought it was amazing. It had a twist of science behind the mythology. When I wrote my own cultivation, I tried to make sure it kept that unique realism. Hopefully this helps!