I really love how you dive right into the action. Your writing style is very action-based, there are a lot of vivid and powerful verbs and sensory image that you use that really keep the momentum going and the atmosphere intact. I really like how thoughts are italicized. However, the book is hard to read because you don't insert line breaks during dialogue and during key moments, which breaks the flow a little. Having very short paragraphs with a few words is a very effective way to keep tension. Try this: The flash of scattering heat filled the place and tormented the flesh of two people agonizing in pain, screaming and desperately crawling to get out. Beep beep beep beep. The annoying sound of the alarm clock buzzed to her ears which made her jump and gasp for air. Also, whenever a character says something, insert a line break/make a new paragraph. Other than that, spectacular work!
The details in this book are very well written and vivid - you can really imagine everything that's going on in the story! I also love Xiao Ying's thought process and how easily you can picture his emotions. He's not an emotionless, stone-hearted MC like a lot of other MCs I've seen. He feels very down to earth and relatable in his struggles and insecurities. I also love the unique concept for this novel - having a failed novel author play through his own novel in order to regain his old life back. It's really unique and interested and the beginning got me hooked. Great job with this story, and good luck, this deserves more views!
I really love the beginning parts of this novel. There might not be much out yet but what is out is very well written. The introduction is incredibly gripping and exhilarating for an exposition segment. Even though we're simply being told the background of this character, from page one we're invested in his sorrows. Your writing style is very sophisticated. However, there are some word choices and sentence structures that make some sections of the book hard to read. For example, "Mr. and Mrs. Caraballo assured that he was soggy with a foul smell that from the first day that Jonah was taken to that house took over everything" should be reorganized to something like this - "Mr. and Mrs. Caraballo insisted he was imbued with a foul smell that took over everything since the very day he arrived at the house." The action that the foul smell is doing should come right after it in the sentence, if that makes sense. Sometimes you use complicated words that muddle the true meaning of the sentence, maybe use a thesaurus and pick out some simpler, more direct words? Overall good work!
We are back! As a show of apology, I'm releasing three chapters today instead of the usual one in order to sort of make up for all the updates I've missed. Updates will continue regularly and for those of you who stuck around, thank you so much for waiting!
thank you for your kind review! yes, i took a break from updating, but regular updates will continue tomorrow!
First of all, the entire background and introduction sequence of this novel is among the best that I've ever seen here. It's obvious that the author put so much time into researching all these topics, from martial arts to guns and everything in between. I also love how the fact that his mother and his father come from two cultures immediately shows and it's woven so cleverly into the intro. I also love how the American characters have American names like Mark and John, and the Japanese characters have Japanese names like Subaru and Tanaka. Really nice touch. Everything is vividly pictured, specific and descriptive. It's so easy to imagine in your head exactly what's going on at any given moment, and for the most part grammar is correct. Just to let you know, though, here's how you punctuate quotes: "You end quotes not with periods, but with commas, most of the time," I said. "But if you don't add anything after a quote, like 'he said' then you end it with a period and nothing else." The main issue I have with this is that the setup is so detailed and wonderful - but there's too much of it. By chapter 10 we finally realize this is a zombie apocalypse novel. If I hadn't known beforehand that all the training he was receiving was to justify how he survives in his new world, then I would assume that this novel was a contemporary coming-of-age novel about him growing up around two cultures and becoming a basketball superstar. NOT a zombie apocalypse novel at all. I'd suggest cutting things that aren't super essential to building Marlin's character out so we can get to the good stuff quicker and smoother. Also, Marlin's reaction to waking up in a new world isn't that realistic. He says he "misses his family" but he doesn't show it. He should be extremely worried, maybe banging on the walls, calling for his mom and his grandpa who y'know, is going to die soon. Be utterly torn at the fact he'll never get to see his grandpa or attend his funeral. He might even do something like say "this is for Uncle Mark" every time he uses his ranger skills. Something that constantly reminds us about his past life and what that actually means to him. He had more than just skills in his past life, he had to people who gave them to him and they should mean more to him, in my opinion. Overall, though, this book is incredibly solid and well written. I wish it was more popular because it seriously deserves more attention!
It's obvious that the author put a lot of work into this novel, and I really like how the world is set up. The whole concept of a magical island isn't too unique, but it's still exciting enough to get me invested. There are a lot of spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors, enough to the point where it's hard to read at times. There are a lot of run on sentences that interfere with ease of access. The story heavily relies on dialogue for the most part, but when the author uses descriptive language, it's executed well. I really like the concept of beastmen, and how they're integrated in society, as well as the magic too. One suggestion I'd have is to focus less on telling us things through narration and having enough faith in the reader to allow them to interpret things how they see them. Instead of saying "this scared her" you can use something even as simple as "her eyes opened wide and she gasped" and it still gives the reader the same information - the difference is that the reader can vividly picture her with her eyes open wide, whereas if you just say she was scared, you don't know what to imagine. The more things that are told straight up to us, the harder it is for us to really know what's going on in your story, and the harder it is to follow and stay invested in. Good work and I wish you luck! You've already gotten so much done so far, continue to improve and ask for criticism, it's really nice to see so many reviews on this book.
These little parenthetical side notes are nice, but I feel like I can already infer that it's normal and that beast-kin are common given by the fact she's run it for such a long time and he's totally nonchalant about it. Saying things like this kind of breaks the immersion for me, if you can get what I'm saying ^^
This description is a really great start, just make sure to clean up the sentence structure so it flows. I have a lot of questions - what's the topography like? What kind of animals live there, if at all? What's the climate? Is it really an independent country? You don't have to answer all of them, but answer enough so that I can get a vivid picture in my mind of what this island looks like.
You don't have to tell us that they care for each other despite their teasing. I already got that message when she pinched his cheeks, which was adorable. I think that a great writing technique and what I love in lots of my favorite books is that they leave the readers to form their own interpretation of a character and their actions, meaning we aren't really told "Hime cares deeply for him," but we're left to ponder and wonder and figure it out by ourselves. A great example is Snape from Harry Potter. Readers develop their own opinion of Snape, but they are never told until the very, very end who he really is, and that's what makes his whole character.
Love this little detail!
This line about how she looks much younger than she really is is really great for character description. It's something that's unique to her, something that you can remember vividly. Describing unique features - or even plain features that have their own unique twists - is a really really good way to keep characters memorable and get your reader invested.
Given that I don't know what kind of culture this takes place in yet, I don't really know what an "average 15-year-old first-year high-school student" looks like. Usually it's better to describe what stands out about your MC, what makes him unique and not like the rest. If he's the most average of average joes, then you can point how un unspeakably average he is in every aspect, but giving a vague or general description doesn't really paint a solid picture of who this guy really is quite yet.
I absolutely love this MC. He's nothing like any other MC I've seen. A lawful Renaissance mafia boss with a popular bar? It's completely unique and refreshing. There are a few grammar and tense mistakes that are noticeable, but don't really get in the way of reading. The plot and world is very interesting, I'm immersed in the history and the whole city of Trent and how society operates in there. I still don't know the main adventure that Zhou is going to undertake - usually around 10 chapters in, the main conflict of the story is already introduced. The whole beginner mission he has isn't really taken as something super important or difficult, so the tension is really low for the first 10 chapters of this novel. Which is fine, but make sure to include something that raises the stakes for Zhou and makes him question his character in order to not bore the reader further down the road! Great job.
I absolutely love the uniqueness of the MC and his unique dialogue! There are times where it seems a little unrealistic, but there is so much suspense and the exposition is handled naturally. Overall a good read and it keeps you hooked from the very beginning.
OOF her luck omg
why's she lvl 8 when he's lvl 1?
sounds like he's a wielder as well. Is Zhou the only wielder in his gang?
the mc and the whole bar gang business is so intriguing and unique, I've never seen anything like it and it's executed well. Great job!