This is an impressive piece. It's obvious the author has put in a lot of thoughts and pre-planning. I'm a big fan of meticulous writing, and this definitely is one. For example, the first chapter manages to deliver a whole lot of information regarding the novel's fantasy world with just a few hundred words, but not in a "memorize this before you read on" way. That's a clear sign of the author's literary skill. Execution-wise I sense a bit of language barrier issue as evidenced by repeat use of expressions and words, but it's not too detrimental. I expect this will surely be ironed out as the author settles down on a style and then experiments with varying expressions and words. Two suggestions for the author; I think either sigil, glyph, or even rune would work better than the word formation. Also it would be a bit more noob-friendly if the you gave brief visual descriptions of the demons and beasts mentioned. But overall this story is fantastic. Big kudos!
This chapter is beautifully written, and the world and its magic are very efficiently established. There's a tiny consistency issue : The man's intense gaze and concentration don't go quite well with "peaceful face". Also, snow indicates we are in winter but then we have flowers being tossed.
Interesting development. I like how Lucia keeps going back to the 'book'. I wonder if your other similarly titled story is somewhat related? Perhaps not. I'm about 1/3 in the story, but so far am not a big fan of the Duke. Lucia is and Irina are a cool duo, tho, so I've grown to like them. Having said that, there are some places where the narrative suddenly switches to 3rd person perspective in the middle of a scene. I got confused whether it was simple mistake or was she referring to Lucia from the book.
Oh, no! Only 41 days left! "Immortal Caterpillar" is such an eye-catching combination of words, I couldn't help but click :) I like the idea of extendable life-span, but have yet to see how it's done so am looking forward to future chapters (or maybe I've missed the part?). But really, you write rich sentences. So it is a bit of a downer when you just slap an imaginary screenshot of the status and their numbers instead of writing them out in full. BTW, took me a while to realize -X- is used as a line breaker.
I can't decide which of the twins I like more :p The world you've built is both intriguing and believable. The characters are actually very well designed and aren't trope-ridden at all. Kudos! Having said that, I personally am not a big fan of using scene-headings such as "XXX kingdom," "20 years later," etc. They are more appropriate for scripts. I'm an oldguard who likes them written out like "Meanwhile in XX kingdom," or "20 years have passed since ~" Not saying you should, but it wouldn't hurt to consider the option.
What an intense first paragraph. Go, go Israel! I'd like you to pay attention to the tenses a bit more, as there are quite many mix ups. It doesn't affect readability that much tho. I feel that "Third person narrative" @ Ch5 could have been handled differently. Perhaps you could have kept Israel's perspective but still give readers the same information. ex) "Had I the all-knowing and all-seeing power, I would have known Blake was watching me. I would have also known that he made a phone call" or something like that.
Hello, in order not to take up too much space on this review page, I replied in your forum thread instead.
i think this is actually the fourth boy
There's a huge jump in the writing quality as it gets better and more cohesive with newer chapters. One thing I'd like to suggest is that instead of flatly stating a character's mood, how about conveying through expressions and demeanors and choice of words in dialogues? That would give a bit more depth to the already rich story. I myself am not a big fan of the genre, but I can still see others salivating over the plot progression. Kudos!
A massive improvement in storytelling in the later chapters. I hope you revisit and polish up the prologue at some point as I fear some readers might drop the story there.
I know you've been leaving comments on my work so I came to check the new story out. I like this very much. A healthy dose of comedy and a very intriguing female character. Looking forward to discover more about the male character in the coming chapters. The dual narrative setting is also quite fun. Well done.
The flow of the narration is very well done, and transitions between scenes extremely smooth. Solid structure. This is a clear indication that author plans ahead and puts a lot of thoughts into writing. Unlike generic flat characters prevalent in vast majority of webnovels, Xiao Ying is a very believable character particularly because he has depth and many layers of what makes him him. Big kudos there. It's a bit hard for me to keep track of Asian names, though, so when someone other than Xiao Ying is in the scene I keep going back pages 'wait, who's this?' :) but I'm sure readers from the eastern block would have no problem at all. I've learned of this novel's existence through the review swap thread, and am actually glad author replied to my post with the link to this story. It's always nice to discover a good read.
This feels very anime :) I got to know of this story thanks to the review swap thread. I'm only at the fourth chapter so have yet to discover more stuff, but so far I like how the plot is unraveling. Tatsuro seemed a bit generic in the beginning, though, but there is something quite unique that I can't put my finger on. Maybe because I'm too early in the story. I'm guessing there's more to him, which I'm eager to discover. I gotta agree with others, though. Need a bit of proofreading. Anyway, enough reviewing for now. Gotta read on!
Up to this point, it reads like as if it's a part of a monologue, like those movies where the story starts with a face talking to the audience, or a traveler talking to his companion across the campfire. Hereafter, however, the story abruptly transitions to the usual omniscient 3rd person narrative. I think here's a room for you to play around and spice things up a bit.
Obviously English isn't author's primary language, but it doesn't deter words and sentences from getting the job done, nor affect readability too much. So, kudos there. I like how the author is meticulous and thorough in describing the scenes pictured in their head. Every objects and actions and dialogues all have purposes, implying certain information, instead of just existing to fill blank lines. The story, basically, is a screenplay written out in a novel format. I wouldn't be surprised if author found the screenplay format more comfortable.
Interesting setting and plot. I feel, however, characters are established rather forcibly, perhaps in urge to get the plot moving? Their pasts, motivations, personalities and such are spoon-fed in one go, which kills the intrigue. I wish things could have been drawn out a bit further in that regard, dropping hints and implications through which readers could infer a particular character's past and personality and such. Is it necessary to write out the system screen that the MC sees? Couldn't it have been something like the MC musing "Hmm, interesting. That raised my intel stat by one?" something like that instead of '+1 Intelligence'
Shamelessly giving myself a 5-star review lol heck why not? I'm having ton of fun writing this story. So this may as well be my review on the writing activity itself, not the resulting work. Would give myself a full 5.0 score, but lately RL stuff have prevented me from updating weekly :( I am not a big fan of the practice of uploading a scene and calling it a chapter. Sorry but you will have to endure my wall of text that comes up every two or three weeks. Please note that, for the purpose of easy reading (and writing), forms of address intentionally follows the English system although I made it quite obvious that the story is set in a fantasy version of Medieval France. I'm very pleased with the two main characters and hope readers find Anna and Rene, as well as other characters, interesting and endearing. Please do feel free to comment, review, powerstone, etc. Thank you,