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LumaS

LumaS

Lv1

heyho.

2019-05-13 JoinedAustralia
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  • LumaS
    LumaS3mth
    Replied to HORI_16

    No problem, keep writing, you'll improve and I'm looking forward to it.

    alt
    Life Of The Beginning Author
    Realistic Fiction · HORI_16
    detail
  • LumaS
    LumaS3mth
    Commented

    Hey hey, the banter between Asher and Ether was pretty aight.

    Ch 2 A Future From A Stranger (2)
    alt
    Life Of The Beginning Author
    Realistic Fiction · HORI_16
    detail
  • LumaS
    LumaS3mth
    Posted

    As you start reading it should become immediately obvious that the author has a lot of passion about this story. However, passion, in this case, only translates to rapid updates. Let's delve into some of the issues then. First of all, the characters. The characters are all lifeless and without emotion or charm and are all pretty uninteresting apart from Ether (as of chapter 2). Ether has charm and shows a wide array of emotions, but is mainly energetic and bossy, however, not bossy to the point of being annoying. The main character, Asher, is completely devoid of personality. He doesn't show a single emotion at all, nor does respond like a human being. That goes for every other character. Parker shows some emotion and reminds me of a shouta tsundere. Despite him still being a pretty bad character so far with his 4 or so lines of dialogue (as of chapter 2) it's still better than the rest of the cast. I also noticed that everyone seems to think that Asher is this absolute prodigy and should become an author at once. The evidence we get is an extremely generic story about a brave knight taking off his armour. The writing. It's painfully average to say the least, numerous grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes. Not to mention that when Asher thinks, regular quotation marks are used instead of apostrophes. So you only find out he's thinking when the author types "thought Asher". Other than that, it's pretty harmless. Stability of updates. So far, 5/5, very clear the author loves what he's doing. World background and world building. We know absolutely nothing about this world, but it's safe to assume that it's the same as ours. However we're only a few chapters in so it's excusable. Pacing. WAY TOO FAST SLOW DOWN PLEASE. I guess story development could go here as well. That being said it's a pretty interesting story and has potential, it's the one thing that's keeping me intrigued. Dialogue. Very unrealistic and boring, but sometimes the banter between Asher and Ether is mildly enjoyable. Overall, it's not that great, but what pulls it up is the premise and overall charm of the environments. Characters are bad but bearable, Ether is kinda carrying to be honest. Not bad. 3/5

    alt
    Life Of The Beginning Author
    Realistic Fiction · HORI_16
    detail